Thursday, November 17, 2011

College Sports Sexual Abuse Scandals - The Dominos Start To Fall

Following the Penn State-Sandusky scandal, in what is likely the first of many revelations about sexual abuse by coaches (be it college, high school, or even younger), Syracuse assistant basketball coach Bernie Fine is now under investigation for molesting a team ball-boy for more than a dozen years in the mid 1980s.  Talk about giving the position "ball-boy" a whole new meaning...  But on a series note:



As a former youth and high-school athlete (who wasn't good enough to play in college), I can comment firsthand on the fact that the pyramid of power in any sports program (all the way down to the lower levels) is a tenet that is instilled from the first practice.  You never question any coach (let alone any players) above you in the chain of command.  They say with great power comes great responsibility, but in many cases, those with power abuse that responsibility.  This happens in all walks of life (see: politics).  

I foresee an immense increase in sexual abuse allegations towards coaches in the coming weeks/months/years, at all levels of sports.  When that happens, all the people who are vilifying Mike McQueary for not doing more (when it's not yet clear what he did or didn't do to stop the one incident he witnessed), will all have to look upon their own friends and neighbors with suspicion, as this is likely a much more widespread problem than anyone cares to admit.

If this leads to greater funding for support for victims of sexual abuse, or at least greater awareness of the problem, then hopefully generations of future children can be better protected than those who have had to endure such abuses.  It may very well lead to a dramatic decrease in voluntary participation on youth sports as well, which will have a ripple effect throughout high school and college sports for years to come, but if that protects children, that is an easy trade-off to make.

And lastly, if you see something, say something.  First, attempt to stop it from happening, but after that, it doesn't matter to who- say something to everyone you meet.  Make sure enough people know that even if you personally don't think you can make an impact (even though you can), make sure SOMEONE can.  After all,
"All that is necessary for evil to triumph over good is for good men to do nothing."
-Edmund Burke

Go Get Your Fuckin' Shinebox


An iconic scene from an even more iconic movie, now you can either get your own fuckin’ shinebox, or in a seemingly nice gift-giving way, send a warning to one of your mortal enemies, suggesting they get their fuckin’ shinebox or suffer your wrath.  Even better, hang the poster up in their office/cubicle or put it on their car windshield without telling them, and just keep giving them the staredown while wearing the t-shirt to scare the bejesus out of them, all thanks to this print and t-shirt set from Jon Smith, both for the low low price of $40.

If you don’t go buy one right now, YOU better go get your fuckin’ shinebox…

Protest the Black Friday Petitioners!

Lot’s of news regarding the petition started by a worker at Target and supported by over 100,000 others protesting the opening of Target, Best Buy, Macy’s et al at midnight Thanksgiving night in preparation for Black Friday, instead of the usual 3 AM - 6 AM openings that have plagued Black Friday’s past.  These petitioners are outraged by the mere thought of workers having to show up at 11 PM Thanksgiving night, claiming this hardship would ruin what is supposed to be a day spent with family.

I for one, am firmly against these petitioners.  In fact, I may have to start my own petition, in opposition to these petitioners (it’s all got a very PCU-feel to it, doesn’t it).  My reasons are the following:
  • People who are petitioning Target and other retail stores to push back their openings to 5 AM are ruining a perfectly good excuse for workers at these establishments to get away from their families.  In an age where family gatherings are more and more stressful for the majority of society, any valid excuse to leave early, or avoid them entirely should be celebrated, not protested.  With the dread of spending time with family during the holidays, some people welcome this call of duty to help them get away- don’t take this perfect excuse away from them. 
  • In addition, with unemployment as high as it is, many of these workers are thankful just to have a job.  In the grand scheme of things, what is going to help their family more- 2 more hours with them on a miserable Thanksgiving, where they get to “be thankful” about all that they don’t have, or actually going to work, to earn more money to support these very families.  These petitioners are trying to take money out of the pockets of the elements of society who needs it most!  And if these workers in fact don’t need the money, and feel that strongly about showing up at work at 11 PM, they are more than welcome to continue to spend time with their family, and find another job.
  • These very petitioners who are aiming to push back the opening times of these retail stores will likely be the same ones who are there, lined up outside for hours beforehand hoping to get the latest deal.  In fact, they will most likely be starting vicious rumors about a pushed back start time so there will be fewer people there at midnight!
  • Lastly, the vast majority of Thanksgiving celebrations are over long before these workers would actually be going to work.  In fact, if a family is still in the middle of their Thanksgiving feast when one of these workers would need to be leaving for their job, these families are contributing to the obesity epidemic in the USA, as eating late at night leads to weight gain.
Join me in urging these petitioners to get in a life through a method they are sure to understand- another petition, and let these workers work!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

When The McRib Itself Just Isn't Enough...

While I’ve actually never personally tasted a McRib, as a lover of all things food, I’ve found myself constantly asking, “how can we make this thing better?”  At long last, this question has been answered, as our friends “Ze Germans” have created a monster (perhaps at the very Castle that shares a name with a more famous monster, Frankenstein).


For those who are too lazy to learn German to read about this monstrosity, suffice it to say that adding mozzarella sticks and bacon makes pretty much anything better (though I would not recommend trying this at home with your half-used bottle of Baconlube and half-eaten edible mozzarella undies).

For a briefer, English translation, go here.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Makin' Bacon


For the man who loves women almost as much as he loves bacon (or vice versa), the world is now complete.  I give you… baconlube.  Now you can ensure that the bacon is better than the fish when you’re eating at the Y.  Be sure to check out their other high quality products as well.  After all, it’s a lubricant even Ron Swanson could love…

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Occupy My Counter (And Then My Stomach)

I highly recommend Troeg’s Mad Elf. Brewed with honey and cherries, this packs a whollup, at 11% alcohol, and is quite tasty. Granted, you may have to search for it, but who can deny the appeal of a Mad Elf?

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Asshole of the Year (And A Much Longer Timeframe) - Jerry Sandusky

There is a new leader in the clubhouse... Jerry Sandusky...


By now pretty much everyone who has working ears and a functional brain has heard about the horrors of the sexual abuse scandal at Penn State.  Jerry Sandusky is clearly a vile and disgusting human being.  In fact, given the brief history of my own personal Asshole of the Year awards, he may continue to win said award in perpetuity given the heinous nature of his acts. 

Any of the individual allegations would be enough to land him on this list, but in aggregate, they make even Robert G Burton look good, and that is a very difficult thing to do.  He pretty much nails (pardon the word) every single item on the scumbag list
  • Abuses a position of power
  • Acts creepy in public showers
  • Doesn't have any kids of his own, but is way too friendly with others kids
  • STARTS A FOUNDATION TO GET MORE ACCESS TO KIDS!!!!
I'd get into more, but the grand jury testimony speaks for itself... 

The rest of the Penn State staff certainly bears some responsibility as well for failure to act.  In fact, some could argue that any normal homo-erotic butt-slapping that Paterno allowed to go on (or even participated in, not that there's anything wrong with that), let to an inappropriate level of acceptance of shenanigans most clearly displayed by McQueary's non-interference with the anal rape of a 10 year old that he witnessed...  In fact, for that reason he should probably be retroactively nominated as Asshole of the Year for 2002.

But, Jerry Sandusky, in only the first year of my Asshole of the Year Awards, you have already clinched the Asshole of Eternity Award...

Vets Eat Free

So yesterday was Veteran’s Day, meaning many national (or for those reading from abroad, more specifically, American) restaurants offered free meals for military veterans.  I’m a big fan of showing this sort of appreciation for the men and women who serve our country so diligently, given how selfish and cowardly most of the country is (myself included) when it comes to military service.  They are the true heroes that allow idiots like us to post on blogs like these…

However, I wonder if any veterinarians have ever attempted to take advantage of one of these restaurants running a “Vets eat free” campaign for a free meal?  Especially in those restaurants who lack the foresight to have any necessary legal stipulations regarding who exactly is eligible as protection from such people.  If a restaurant is stupid enough to just have up a sign with no disclaimers, I would definitely go there and claim I was a "vet."”

It seems like a sociological experiment is warranted- perhaps next year we’ll sent out a bunch of military veterans (dressed like veterinarians), a bunch of veterinarians (dressed in military fatigues), and a bunch of military veteran veterinarians (dressed however the f they want), and see who gets served (not in the terrible dance movie from 2004 sense), who gets denied, and who gets permanently banned from any of these so-called patriotic restaurants…