Thursday, February 24, 2011

Monk Reincarnation Ban in China & Taxation of Witches in Romania

So China is set to pass a new law stipulating that Buddhist monks in Tibet must seek permission from the Chinese government for reincarnation.  The Chinese state administration for religious affairs described this law as an important move to "institutionalize management of reincarnation."  Obviously, this is a ploy to effectively allow the Communist government to select the next Dalai Lama.  However, beyond the political and religious ramifications, I wonder what the process will look like to actually get this permission.  Will there be a form with the following fields:
  • Are you the Dalai Lama or a different Tibetan monk?  (If yes, proceed to go fuck yourself)
  • What do you plan on being reincarnated as? (If the second, or in this case, 14th, coming of the great leader, proceed to go fuck yourself; if a piece of grass, proceed)
How will they determine and impose punishment if someone has the audacity to be reincarnated without the permission of the Communist regime?  Will there be an a priori proclamatino- "I forbid you from being reincarnated as the Dalai Lama!" or a posteriori punishment "How dare you be reincarnated as the Dalai Lama!"  I can only imagine the mayhem if this happened while said Tibetan monk was visiting the U.S. and at a major league baseball game, which was then rebroadcast without the expressed written consent of MLB...  China and MLB would join forces to take down everyone!

Perhaps these monks should consult some from the witching industry in Romania.  In a move to increase revenue and crack down on tax evasion, the Romanian government has added witches, astrologers, and fortune tellers to their labor code.  In the past, people in those professions used their lack of registration to avoid paying income taxes.  Under the new law, they will now be taxed and make contributions to health and pension plans. 

My question is, how did these witches and fortune tellers allow this to happen?  Clearly, any fortune teller or witch worth  their concotion of "cat excrement and a dead dog" would have been aware this law was coming beforehand and either used their magical powers to do something, or at least organize some sort of protest.  If the Egyptians can do it, anyone can, especially if they can see the future. 

Also, now that these are recognized as legitimate professions, wouldn't this open these people up to all sorts of lawsuits, if the  fortunes they predict or spells they cast don't work?  Either way, the only witch I'd trust is a sandwich, made by my own two hands (just to make sure I have just the right amound of cat excrement and dead dog for flavor).

Saturday, February 12, 2011

GLG's Thoughts on the TCU Scared Frogs

This past week, a third party approached representatives of TCU and Wisconsin about a potential rematch of the Rose Bowl, with TCU visiting Wisconsin to open each team's college football season.  While Wisconsin's coach Bret Bielema took about "point-five seconds" to say yes, TCU athletic director Chris Del Conte declined the offer, as TCU already had Baylor scheduled for their opening game. 

Friend of the blog GLG is mighty fired up about this, as he hates highly ranked smaller schools who don't play as tough a schedule as the AQ schools.  Here are his thoughts:


TCU - "we'll play anybody, anywhere. well, except for good teams early in the season because we are going to be ranked highly next year and all we need to do is beat a bunch of patsies and earn a shot at a national title without beating any good teams"

HEY IDIOTS. Other teams that are in contention for the national title next year (all from big conferences) will have to beat 4 or 5 teams ranked in the top 20 to stay undefeated. You'll have to play how many? 1, maybe. Yeah, you deserve a shot in the NC game. Penn State should go back to being independent and play 12 crappy teams and go undefeated every year and whine that they should play for the title every year.

TCU ranked 10th or lower at the beginning of the season - "we'll play anybody, anywhere to prove we deserve a shot at the national title"

TCU ranked 2nd at the beginning of the season - "no. we can't play wisconsin. it doesn't work for us"

Waaaaaa....  Get fired up GLG...

Robert G Burton - Still An Asshole

What a shocking turn of events... Asshole of the Year Robert G Burton has decided to let the University of Connecticut keep the $3 million donation that he had previously demanded back for not being consulted on the hiring of the new football coach.  Let's give this man a medal...  what a humanitarian...

I only wish that UCONN Board of Trustees Chairman Larry McHugh didn't actually meet with him and that incoming president Susan Herbst didn't reach out to him.  All this did was make this self-righteous scumbag continue to think he is actually important.  They should have told him to fuck off, and not given him the satisfaction.  Alternatively, they should have set up an elaborate production, feeding Burton's ego even more, before turning on him and pelting him with rotten tomatoes while bombarding him with insults.

Burton stated "I have been reflecting on it and came to the conclusion that I'm not going to let one experience change the relationship my family and I have with UConn. We love the university, we're proud of our association with it and it is going to continue."  I'm sure his decision to let them keep the money was in no way affected by the mass outrage over his petulant threats, including his being named Asshole of the Year by this very blog.

Based on the feedback and emails I've received from those who know him and have worked for him, Burton is as much of a pathetic scumbag asshole in his professional life as he displayed in this situation.  I would certainly not do business with any company this man is involved with, as he is a toxic moron who needs to be taken down.

Robert G Burton, no one could give a shit what you think, and you can go fuck yourself.  Your association with UCONN is a disgrace to this institution of higher learning...

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Drunk Judges

News out of Washington Count Circuit Court in Maryland has is that Judge W. Kennedy Boone III must now take blood alcohol tests twice a day- once before he goes on the bench, once after lunch.  This in response to previous DUI in November of 2009, which was his first as far as I can tell.  In March of 2010 he pleaded guilty and paid a $1,000 fine, as well as receiving 3 years of unsupervised probation.  After his accident, his BAC was .18, and during the accident he hit another woman's vehicle, and this woman suffered minor neck and back injuries. 

This further penalty was decided on by the Maryland Commission on Judicial Disabilities, who investigate complaints about the behavior of judges.  Given that Judge Boone is 67, they are apparently trying to get him to last unti. he reaches the mandatory retirement age of 70.  The strange thing about this commission is that the disablilities they investigate are senility, physical illness, mental illness, and alcohol or drug abuse.  One would think it is not a good thing to have senile, mentally ill, or drug addict judges, but it's creative punishments like this that make this commission comical.  It is certainly change I can believe in. 

In protest of these two blood alcohol tests he must endure, this judge should now purposely schedule all of his cases in the afternoon.  That way he can continue to drink deep into the night, and by the time he has to show up to court, the alcohol will likely be out of his system.  Then, just keep a bottle in his desk, and after his post-lunch test, knock a few back to get an early start for the night.  Also, during the next DUI case he presides over, he should preemptively strike down breathalyzers as unconstitutional, doing a giant favor to all arrested for DUI, as well as giving the commission a big "fuck you" for regarding the two tests he has to take each day. 

After all, his judge clearly has no choice but to be an alcoholic.  With Kennedy in his name, as well as paying homage to the great Boone's Farm brand of drink, this man was born to drink.  As a baby his bottle was probably filled with whiskey.  Plus, with the III, he had a lot to live up to, and is now drinking for three generations of Boone's.  Judge W Kennedy Boone III, I judge thee drunk!

http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/opinion/oped/bs-ed-rodricks-judge-20110207,0,5764938.column

Monday, February 7, 2011

Green Hornet Meth Lab Explosion & Transformers Preview

Saw The Green Hornet in 3D this past weekend (which probably should have led me to bet on the Packers, but alas...).  My one big issue is with the scene where Seth Rogan and his chinaman sidekick Kato drove their car into a meth lab.  Yet somehow, their driving through a wall did not cause the meth lab to explode.  Despite the fact that meth labs explode all the time for things a lot less severe than a car crashing through a wall...  Come on, writers...  at least make part of the movie realistic...  also, Seth Rogan may now be the most annoying man on the planet.

But in comparison to the premise of Transformers: The Dark of the Moon, The Green Hornet is like a PHD dissertation...  In the trailer, we learn that the Apollo missions were a front to explore a downed spacecraft.  A perfectly legitimate premise...  The astronauts wait until the moon spins out of view of Earth, then go explore this alien spacecraft, and quickly return to the Lunar Module when it spins back into the Earth's view.  This, despite the fact that the moon rotates in such a way that we always see the same side.  The "dark" side of the moon is always facing away from us.  Just make the premise that they went to explore the dark side of the moon (while listening to Pink Floyd), not that they were doing all this nonsense because of the blatantly untrue spinning of the moon...  Idiots...  Gosh...

What the flip...

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Super Bowl Squares Historical Outcomes & Probabilities

With the Super Bowl on Sunday, many people throughout the land will be participating in the tradition of playing Super Bowl Squares.  For a certain price, each person gets a box, and if the last number in each teams score matches that box, you win.  Here are the probabilities for each outcome that has occured in a past Super Bowl for the 1st Quarter, 2nd Quarter, 3rd Quarter, and Final scores.  If a combination doesn't appear, it has not occured in a Super Bowl yet...



Go Steelers!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Beer in the Bathroom

Apparently, beer vendors at FedExField have resorted to some new sales techniques- selling beer in the bathrooms.  It would be great if this were the brainchild of owner "Chainsaw" Dan Snyder (nickname courtesy of ESPN's Tuesday Morning Quarterback Gregg Easterbrook- see article here).  If it is, it may be the one brilliant idea he has had as owner.

Last year a photo was posted on Redskins blog ExtremeSkins.com, of a beer vendor in a bathroom, as well as much anecdotal evidence confirming this strange tactic.  Later, someone posted video on youtube showing the same thing.



I, for one, am all for this technique.  The only reason to leave your seat during a sporting event is to either get more food or alcohol (if the vendors aren't servicing your section to your satisfaction) or to go to the bathroom.  Usually, upon going to the bathroom, a patron will pick up a beer on their way back to their seat.  Putting a beer vendor in the bathroom only makes sense.

The convenience factor is tremendous.  In fact, this technique should have almost a fast-food like quality- walk in, pay the beer man, go do your business, and pick up your beer on the way out, at least when dealing with the urinals.  For those quick to point out the potential unsanitary conditions, most people don't wash their hands to begin with, and then immediately go to the beer man outside of a restroom.  And those who do actually wash their hands, will continue to do so.  Not to mention the plethora of germs outside of the bathrooms on all the railings, condiment stands, seats, etc that people come in contact with at a stadium.

The only downside of this process is for the man who is actually selling beer in the bathroom.  The combination of the crowd in there during lulls of play, and the potential for horrendous smells, fecal matter particles permeating through the air, and the potential to see a whole lot of other dude's junk would certainly make this a job I wouldn't want.  And I would probably still choose to go to a beer vendor outside of the bathroom, but you might as well kill two birds with one stone, and let the beer flow in while it also flows out at the urinal...  I can't say I'm pissed off about this...

See full article here.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Postal Workers Gone Wild

Jeff Cole (aka Manchest) of Fox 29 is now doing his best Chris Hanson impression and embarking on his own hidden camera video sting operations.  His target- U.S. Postal Workers who have been... going to the bar during their shifts... Oh the horror... THE HORROR!!!

Granted, employees of the U.S. government should not be wasting taxpayer money to drink while on the job, but Jeff Cole's righteous indignation over the amount of alcohol they consume is amazing.  He is shocked... SHOCKED to see one of these men drink 7 drinks over the course of 3 hours, and then claims due to the man's size and number of drinks, that he shouldn't be driving.  Jeff Cole thinks 7 drinks is a lot...  I think that's breakfast.  See part 1 of the video below:



Also, apparently Jeff Cole never took health class (or any sort of science class) back in high school and doesn't realize that the body amazingly metabolizes alcohol.  On average, a "normal" sized male metabolizes one drink per hour.  Given the timeline involved here, these postal workers could very well be under the legal limit after their insane drinking shenanigans. 

I'm not saying these postal workers should be given Employee of the Month awards, but Jeff Cole, be serious...  These postal workers are assholes for repeatedly being on the clock, and for scanning mail while at the bar to make it appear that they are working, and for this they should be lambasted, but not for the amount of alcohol they drank.  In fact, I think I'd rather drink with these postal workers than Jeff Cole, who would probably pass out after one drink, and be even more shocked that sometimes excessive consumption of alcohol leads to sexual relations outside of the sanctity of marriage and lose his mind...

Stripper Shortage in Dallas

So according to Showtime Cabaret manager John Walsh (and we can only hope it's the same John Walsh of America's Most Wanted fame), the Dallas/Fort Worth area is going to have a massive shortage of strippers for the Super Bowl.  He wants at least 70-100 more at his establishment alone (actually, I could use about 70 strippers at my establishment, aka my apartment, as well), while he expects the shortage to be about 10,000 strippers across the 60 Dallas/Fort Worth area establishments.  So this genius is saying on average each strip club needs to hire over 160 more strippers. 

Arlington officials expect above 300,000 visitors during Super Bowl week (numbers that vary depending on which agency you believe, and is probably drastically over the actual number), and the other popular number being thrown out is a 30-1 tourist to stripper ratio.  Even ESPN calls shenanigans on these reports, comparing it to the World Cup, when supposedly 40K prostitutes descended on South Africa, in what would be termed "devastating" and "the worst month in my company's history" by one South African escort agency manager. 

My question is, does there actually exist this band of travelling strippers, willing to travel the world to peddle their wares?  I know headline porn stars occasionally make strip club appearances (during their 2 week shelf life), but I'm talking about your normal (if such a thing exists), everyday stripper.  And if so, wouldn't they have known about the Super Bowl in Dallas for many months at this point?  Does this imbecile really believe that now, out of the blue, because of what he is saying they are all going to come down, Field of Dreams style (if you tell them people need to cum, they will come)?  Granted, most strippers aren't the smartest poles on the dance floor, but let's give them some credit.  I'd venture to say that any women who actually respond to this call for strippers would probably be classified as at best the D-squad, if not the F-squad...  you know, the strippers who work the afternoon shift during the week at the shittiest of shitholes... 

Similar to the caliber of women who formerly worked at T&A's back in my hometown.  One night we decided to show a buddy from out of town just how horrendous this place was.  Mind you, this was probably around 11 PM on a Friday night, which one would think is a prime strip-club visiting hour.  As we pulled into the empty parking lot and walked towards the door, we see one guy walking out, shaking his head in disgust.  We later learned he was THE ONLY GUY IN THERE, and even he couldn't handle it.  During our 15 minute stay, an obese black woman, who you could smell from 10 feet away even before she spread her legs, said to this guy "I'll suck you, fuck you, anything you want for $20."  The other woman working was so high on some sort of drug, that at no point did we see anything but the white's of her eyes (though despite her not being able to see, she was able to unzip the pants of one of the guys with us)... These are the types of women who I would expect to all of the sudden realize, maybe there is a market for me in Dallas for the Super Bowl.  And if this man is stupid enough to hire them, that is a strip club I would prefer not to frequent...