From Frank J. Fleming in the NY Post (Sept 26, 2011)

President Obama has proposed a new tax on millionaires. You’re probably thinking the same thing I am: Will this be enough to let millionaires know how much we despise them? I’m afraid not.
When the recession first hit, we knew millionaires were the culprits. They’re always behind the problems in this country. Many of us can barely sleep at night knowing that millionaires are lurking out there with hearts full of evil and pockets full of money.

Most honest men are careful to never let their net worth get anywhere near seven digits, but not millionaires. They use dark tricks like “saving” and “investing” to make their money grow to unnatural levels. It’s time someone put a stop to it!

Some say that we should just ignore the millionaires -- that they don’t harm us. Such people are naive fools, because millionaires ruin our way of life. In these tight financial times, they’ve already taken all the good jobs.

How many times have you applied to be a CEO to find that the position has already been filled by some millionaire?

And then they come into our neighborhoods, flashing their riches and stealing our women. Who knows what else they’ll do given free reign?

I saw this horror movie -- I forget the name -- where a billionaire dressed up as a bat and beat up poor people. How far is that from reality? Probably not far enough. In the least, I’m sure millionaires spend their evenings sitting in their Rolls Royces or dirigibles, hugging their bags of money, while pointing and laughing at our small bank accounts.

And the worst thing is knowing where millionaires got all their money: They took it from us! Millionaires create these nightmarish things called “businesses” that do nothing but find new ways to scam us out of our money.

Long ago, people were happy to live in dirt huts, but then millionaires and their businesses tricked us into needing things like indoor plumbing, electricity, cars, TVs and computers -- just so they could get more of our money. To afford these things, some of us end up working in those despicable businesses millionaires create. It’s a never-ending cycle of misery.

I don’t think President Obama’s millionaire’s tax will be enough to stop them. We’ve singled out millionaires for higher taxes for ages -- the income tax originally started as a way to take money from vile rich people -- yet they never seem to get the message: “We don’t want you here!”

To really strike out against millionaires, we need some sort of “warfare” based on “class.” I’ll call it “rich-guy battling.”

First, we’ll have to single out the millionaires. There could be a millionaire living in your neighborhood right now, and you don’t even know it! They don’t always identify themselves by wearing top hats and monocles (or bat costumes). What we need is a millionaire registry, so we can find out where they’re hiding and keep away from them. I certainly don’t want a millionaire dating my daughter.

By subjecting them to scorn, we can chase away the millionaires and make them live in their own separate neighborhoods. We should also single them out on planes and make them sit in their own section. Eventually, we’ll need laws to punish the worst millionaire offenders.

I say we start with Warren Buffett. You may think he’s our friend for proposing the millionaire’s tax, but he has far too much money to be considered anything other than pure evil. He should be publicly flogged as a clear message to everyone of what happens in this country if you make lots of money.

If we keep up our efforts, one day we could drive all millionaires and their businesses from this country. Then we can go back to our simple, honest lives living in dirt huts.

When we reach that day, I will throw a great feast in celebration. Everyone within a week’s journey is invited.

College Sports Sexual Abuse Scandals - The Dominos Start To Fall

Following the Penn State-Sandusky scandal, in what is likely the first of many revelations about sexual abuse by coaches (be it college, high school, or even younger), Syracuse assistant basketball coach Bernie Fine is now under investigation for molesting a team ball-boy for more than a dozen years in the mid 1980s.  Talk about giving the position "ball-boy" a whole new meaning...  But on a series note:

As a former youth and high-school athlete (who wasn't good enough to play in college), I can comment firsthand on the fact that the pyramid of power in any sports program (all the way down to the lower levels) is a tenet that is instilled from the first practice.  You never question any coach (let alone any players) above you in the chain of command.  They say with great power comes great responsibility, but in many cases, those with power abuse that responsibility.  This happens in all walks of life (see: politics).  

I foresee an immense increase in sexual abuse allegations towards coaches in the coming weeks/months/years, at all levels of sports.  When that happens, all the people who are vilifying Mike McQueary for not doing more (when it's not yet clear what he did or didn't do to stop the one incident he witnessed), will all have to look upon their own friends and neighbors with suspicion, as this is likely a much more widespread problem than anyone cares to admit.

If this leads to greater funding for support for victims of sexual abuse, or at least greater awareness of the problem, then hopefully generations of future children can be better protected than those who have had to endure such abuses.  It may very well lead to a dramatic decrease in voluntary participation on youth sports as well, which will have a ripple effect throughout high school and college sports for years to come, but if that protects children, that is an easy trade-off to make.

And lastly, if you see something, say something.  First, attempt to stop it from happening, but after that, it doesn't matter to who- say something to everyone you meet.  Make sure enough people know that even if you personally don't think you can make an impact (even though you can), make sure SOMEONE can.  After all,

"All that is necessary for evil to triumph over good is for good men to do nothing."

-Edmund Burke

Go Get Your Fuckin' Shinebox

An iconic scene from an even more iconic movie, now you can either get your own fuckin’ shinebox, or in a seemingly nice gift-giving way, send a warning to one of your mortal enemies, suggesting they get their fuckin’ shinebox or suffer your wrath.  Even better, hang the poster up in their office/cubicle or put it on their car windshield without telling them, and just keep giving them the staredown while wearing the t-shirt to scare the bejesus out of them, all thanks to this print and t-shirt set from Jon Smith, both for the low low price of $40.

If you don’t go buy one right now, YOU better go get your fuckin’ shinebox…

Protest the Black Friday Petitioners!

Lot’s of news regarding the petition started by a worker at Target and supported by over 100,000 others protesting the opening of Target, Best Buy, Macy’s et al at midnight Thanksgiving night in preparation for Black Friday, instead of the usual 3 AM - 6 AM openings that have plagued Black Friday’s past.  These petitioners are outraged by the mere thought of workers having to show up at 11 PM Thanksgiving night, claiming this hardship would ruin what is supposed to be a day spent with family.

I for one, am firmly against these petitioners.  In fact, I may have to start my own petition, in opposition to these petitioners (it’s all got a very PCU-feel to it, doesn’t it).  My reasons are the following:

• People who are petitioning Target and other retail stores to push back their openings to 5 AM are ruining a perfectly good excuse for workers at these establishments to get away from their families.  In an age where family gatherings are more and more stressful for the majority of society, any valid excuse to leave early, or avoid them entirely should be celebrated, not protested.  With the dread of spending time with family during the holidays, some people welcome this call of duty to help them get away- don’t take this perfect excuse away from them. 
• In addition, with unemployment as high as it is, many of these workers are thankful just to have a job.  In the grand scheme of things, what is going to help their family more- 2 more hours with them on a miserable Thanksgiving, where they get to “be thankful” about all that they don’t have, or actually going to work, to earn more money to support these very families.  These petitioners are trying to take money out of the pockets of the elements of society who needs it most!  And if these workers in fact don’t need the money, and feel that strongly about showing up at work at 11 PM, they are more than welcome to continue to spend time with their family, and find another job.
• These very petitioners who are aiming to push back the opening times of these retail stores will likely be the same ones who are there, lined up outside for hours beforehand hoping to get the latest deal.  In fact, they will most likely be starting vicious rumors about a pushed back start time so there will be fewer people there at midnight!
• Lastly, the vast majority of Thanksgiving celebrations are over long before these workers would actually be going to work.  In fact, if a family is still in the middle of their Thanksgiving feast when one of these workers would need to be leaving for their job, these families are contributing to the obesity epidemic in the USA, as eating late at night leads to weight gain.

Join me in urging these petitioners to get in a life through a method they are sure to understand- another petition, and let these workers work!

When The McRib Itself Just Isn't Enough...

While I’ve actually never personally tasted a McRib, as a lover of all things food, I’ve found myself constantly asking, “how can we make this thing better?”  At long last, this question has been answered, as our friends “Ze Germans” have created a monster (perhaps at the very Castle that shares a name with a more famous monster, Frankenstein).

For those who are too lazy to learn German to read about this monstrosity, suffice it to say that adding mozzarella sticks and bacon makes pretty much anything better (though I would not recommend trying this at home with your half-used bottle of Baconlube and half-eaten edible mozzarella undies).

For a briefer, English translation, go here.

Makin' Bacon

For the man who loves women almost as much as he loves bacon (or vice versa), the world is now complete.  I give you… baconlube.  Now you can ensure that the bacon is better than the fish when you’re eating at the Y.  Be sure to check out their other high quality products as well.  After all, it’s a lubricant even Ron Swanson could love…

Occupy My Counter (And Then My Stomach)

I highly recommend Troeg’s Mad Elf. Brewed with honey and cherries, this packs a whollup, at 11% alcohol, and is quite tasty. Granted, you may have to search for it, but who can deny the appeal of a Mad Elf?