Dez Bryant - New Candidate For Asshole Of The Year

Dez Bryant has had quite the past few weeks.  First this stupid motherfucker gets in trouble at the NorthPark Center mall.  Who even goes to the mall these days? I'll tell you who- 8th graders, and people looking to pick up 8th graders. Reports say that either Dez or members of his crew were approached by police due to their low-hanging pants. So as the General Larry Platt would say, Dez Bryant was looking like a fool with his pants on the ground... In fact, this will probably be him in 40 years after his NFL career ends, he spends all his money, and with no other discernible skills has to resort to thinking back on his idiocy from this year.

Gotta love an NFL player using profanity and creating a commotion in a public place. The best part about this story is it isn't even his first time getting in trouble at this mall! His other incidents include police intervention after he cut in line at a store (probably due to his excitement over buying more pants he can sag), a parking citation for parking in a fire lane (he didn't want to be too far from the entrance, as he was afraid he would trip over his pants while they were on the ground), and a "major disturbance" at one of the restaurants in the mall (another pants malfunction?). A real top-notch individual... If it looks like an asshole and acts like an asshole, it's probably an asshole.

It actually makes sense that Dez doesn't have pants that fit- he has probably spent all his NFL money (and whatever money he was given under the table while at Oklahoma State) on needless jewelry, despite knowing about the need to save money due to the upcoming NFL lockout. In fact, he is now facing not one, but TWO lawsuits for a combined $846,000 over money owed due to jewelry purchases, tickets to sporting events, and personal loans.  Among the jewelry purchases- a custom diamond engagement ring.  To my knowledge, Bryant is neither engaged nor married, although he does have two children with two different mothers, so he's got that going for him, which is nice.  On top of that, he has also faced legal action in Oklahoma over failure to pay rent while at Oklahoma State. 

Dez Bryant, for all of these reasons (and probably numerous others which haven't come to light yet), you are the latest candidate for Asshole Of The Year.  Congratulations.  At least you will always have this endorsement opportunity...



Bathroom Rankings

Over on 11points, the current posting is regarding the ranking of public bathroom options.  While I disagree with parts of his ranking, I decided to go to the expert on all things toilet-related, Uncle Mickey (infamous for the Uncle Mickey Special)...  His thoughts:

Oh this topic hits home, but I disagree with the list in its entirety.  Well, not the whole list, but the order of it, his order…

• Hotels
• Museums
• Sit down restaurant
• Emergency room
• Target/Walmat/Costco/Grocery store
• Library
• Fast food restaurants
• Indoor gas station
• Bar
• Outdoor gas station
• Public park

My order and explanations:

• Hotels / Casinos- Agreed that the hotel bathroom stop is usually the best out there, esp the higher end ones. They are convenient, free, clean, and usually very empty. I would probably add casinos to this list as well, as they are usually top notch in terms of cleanliness and comforts. The only downside to the casino bathroom is they are always packed, but a lot of high end casinos go with the full length door which is like being in heaven.
• Department store- Big box stores, higher end the better, Nordstrom is top notch, Macys is usually good, Sears and Boscovs, your treading on thin ice. Usually pretty clean, lot of stalls, little company.
• Barnes and Noble/Home Depot/Lowes- This is essentially taking the place of the library bathroom, although I guess I could lump the library into it, tho I haven’t been nor plan to be in a library for some time. These places are perfect stops, always pretty clean, usually quite empty as people are not doing this business in these establishments. And to top it off, Home Depot and Lowes usually have very nice bathrooms cause they are home improvement stores, so they use their own tiles and features to show them off.
• Sit down restaurants- This one depends widely on type and location. Typically they will be pretty clean but space is usually an issue. Lot of these places have 1 maybe 2 stalls, which no matter what type of cleaning efforts, you cant keep up with. Nothing worse then feeling the heat when you walk into the stall from the last person. Again, you talk about any restaurant in a big city, like NY and forget it, your lucky if they have a bathroom.
• Museums- This is hit or miss. This guys experience at the Met, yea sure it was great and big and nice. But most museums don’t have the super large space and these days give an S about cleaning as much as they used to. Think about it, your not paying to go anyway, so do you think they have the money to throw around on a stellar janitor. No.
• Emergency room- This is ridiculous, hospitals are huge and you have to park and figure out where your going. I don’t see this as even on my list, and for the main part this is why. They don’t have large multi-person bathrooms, but singles. Now I know what your saying, how could you not like the single, its as private as it gets. Well, I don’t like the fact that if someone is looking to go, then I have to deal with the dreaded knock. The clean, big multi-person ones you can tuck yourself in a corner and even if someone comes in, you wont be bothered. Hospitals don’t have those.
• Indoor gas station (Wawa only)- Wawa bathrooms are pretty decent in the day and age of the super Wawa’s. Privacy isn’t great, usually 1 stall but in this rarified space of where the quality on this list is heading, its tops of the donkeys, but no race horse.
• Rest stop- Very busy, people are there for that reason and that reason alone usually, cleanliness isn’t great but usually doable and they are big.
• Bar- Now this category is a tough one, cause its really 2 categories, daytime bar and nighttime bar.
• Day bar – usually fine, id equate it to a sit down restaurant.
• Night bar – not happened, ever, I will end my night and go home. The lines are bad enough to piss, and no one cares where it goes.
• Outdoor gas stations and public parks- Same category here, I really see no differentiation. This again is where I change my plans for the day or whatever im doing in order to avoid this. No joke, I usually piss behind gas stations before I go into the outdoor bathroom to do it. Do you think I'm gonna head in for the ole deuce, no, not a chance. Its just as easy to find a Target, or Macys or Applebee's then submit to this. And if they arnt available, outside is.

Karl Pilkington's Future Predictions

Karl Pilkington, the little round-headed buffoon, has some interesting thoughts on the future.  This man is hilarious...

Lessons Learned In Myrtle Beach

Upon a successful arrival home from a golf trip to Myrtle Beach, the following truths have become self evident:

• Blin likes to hunt where there is no game
• If there is game, Blin likes to leave before getting the kill
• Mutant inbred squirrels abound the local golf courses
• Bao-ber is a Blasian whose name means "Shithead"
• Gilly always birdies the last hole
• Gilly likes adventures
• Even KB hits a wall sometimes, and definately does not like waking up early
• KB hates stragglers
• The native language of Baober includes "Dang," "Fuke," "Oh, maaaan," "Come on, Bao"
• KB hits pool balls really hard, and birdie putts really soft 
• When Baober gets scotch-drunk, he just leans on the bar with a stupid smirk on his face
• Security guards will break into your hotel room and get all up in your face if you yell off the balcony too much
• Natives are shocked that two Asians (or one asian and one Blasian) and two white guys can be friends with each other
• A year without driving made KB forget how to pump gas
• Blin does not know how to pull out of a parking spot
• Actually, any kind of parking gets Blin real nervous, and occassionally makes him leave the car in neutral and the door wide open while he walks away
• Blin will accept a lap dance upon hearing a woman breathe
• Everybody loves Country Roads
• Gilly and KB are unstoppable at foosball
• People like to offer to sell drugs to KB
• Blin's golf game has regressed to the point where the over/under on holes actually finished is about 7.5
• Baober gives off a strong gay vibe, as upon requesting a hotel room to share with Gilly, he was given a king size bed, and upon requesting a suite that sleeps 4, he was given a standard room with two queens (Blin and Gilly) as well as only two beds

Journey With Me Into The Mind Of A Maniac - Charlie Sheen

I love a good trainwreck as much as the next guy, and Charlie Sheen has provided countless hours of entertainment over the past few weeks.  In fact, he had been the definition of #WINNING, and made me want to get ahold of some #TIGERBLOOD.  But tonight he put on an online webcast on UStream.  I'm sure he was paid for using that site and got some cash at least (plus he CLAIMED he had sponsors, including selfdiscipline.com, hdnet, blumps squeezable bacon, and brooklyn projects), but it was the defintion of LOSING...  it was terrible.  Only one of the goddesses was on, and she didn't get naked.  There was no drug use or drinking of alcohol in front of the cameras...  it was such a lost opportunity.  And you could tell by how that site shows how many people are currently watching what is on.  Here are the number of viewers (and mind you, the show wasn't supposed to start until 10 PM EDT, aka 7 PM PDT):

• 
  9:42- 42K viewers
• 9:50- 56K
• 9:56- 75K
• 9:59- 84K 
• 10:00- 91K
• Technical difficulties, which made the count restart...  which means either CharlieSheen=LOSING, or UStream=LOSING at this point
• 10:06- count took a while to get back to where it was, and now reaches 111K
• 10:10- 116K
• 10:16- 113K, as everyone realizes how un-entertaining the show is (meanwhile, Charlie just makes a comment on "who isn't" watching right now)
• 10:21- 110K
• 10:24- 106K
• 10:28- 104K
• 10:34- 100K
• 10:40- 95K
• 10:48- 91K
• 10:50- 89K

What started off with so much potential, including Charlie mentioning that he might put this show on every night (or every week), depending on viewers did not end well, as everyone in the chat room while it was going on, as well as the majority of social media sites lambasted the man who wishes he was Sir Charles (Barkley would wreck him)...  At least some good ideas came out of this- 2 goddesses, 1 cup (I feel this has already happened, and Charlie probably contributed to the "fun"),  people Charlie wished he could be for 10 minutes (Colin Farrell, Brian Wilson of the SF Giants- watch this interview to see how awesome he is, and Sean Penn), and calling one guy Howad the Winner-Shnitzel (or something like that)...  which was just comical to me. 

But overall the show was horrible.  For one night it was the kind of thing where you can't look away, but at no point do I think it would ever be worth watching again.  Granted, the fact that he got close to 100K people to watch the majority of the thing speaks to how brilliant of a short-term move it is.  Before this current scandal, I'd venture to say this rockstar warlock would have been lucky to get 100 people to show up for any individual appearance.  But I feel this sorry display may be the beginning of the end for him, and if it is, I say go back to being the rockstar warlock from mars with adonis DNA who will melt people's faces off while he bangs two goddesses...  Live your life, mang, and F everyone who doesn't like it...

Brigham Young and Bring 'Em Young

Earlier this week, Mountain West Conference and national college basketball powerhouse Brigham Young University dismissed starting forward Brandon Davies from the team for the remainder of the season for a violation of the school's honor code.  At the time, led by Jimmer Fredette, BYU was 27-2, ranked number 3 in the ESPN/USA Today coaches poll, and was on track to earn a number 1 seed in the NCAA tournament.  Speculation ran rampant of what egregious violation this man could have committed.  The BYU honor code statement from the undergraduate handbook states the following stipulations (none of which I've followed for probably the past 15 years, but maybe that says more about me than BYU):

• Be honest
• Live a chaste and virtuous life
• Obey the law and all campus policies
• Use clean language
• Respect others
• Abstain from alcoholic beverages, tobacco, tea, coffee, and substance abuse
• Participate regularly in church services
• Observe the Dress and Grooming Standards
• Encourage others in their commitment to comply with the honor code

Did Brandon Davies say "shoot" to a teammate while on the basketball court, but someone misheard it as "shit"? Did his nostril hair exceed the maximum length allowed?  Did he get caught in some sort of grading scandal?  Did he do something as outrageous as jaywalking with another student while holding a cup of tea while he should have been in church with his shirt untucked? 

Nope, none of these, this 18 year old had consensual sex with his girlfriend.  FOR SHAME BRANDON DAVIES, FOR SHAME!  The question is, how did the administration find out about this?  Was he giving it to her so good, that neighbors thought she was being attacked and had to call campus police?  If so, good for him.  I'd venture to say if you looked long and hard enough (and I'm not even talking about Brandon Davies violation), you could find an instance of almost anyone on that team violating the honor code.  In fact, Jim McMahon pretty much admitted as much in an interview with WQAM in Miami. 

As a show of solidarity and support for Brandon Davies, the rest of the basketball team (and even all other sports teams there) should participate in and film a gangbang.  In fact, there is already a series out there called "Bring 'Em Young" from Anabolic, which would be the perfect fit, given the university and age of the participants.  Just extend the series (they are already up to number 30) with each team- buzz is already at a high, and the cross-marketing opportunities are limitless.  Or Brandon Davies should just go into the industry on his own.  Given his former position of power forward on the team, his first film could be called "Banging the Boards (and the Broads)."  It's a can't miss...

David Wu Ain't Nothin To F#@% Wit

Oregon House Democratic Representative David Wu is back in Washington, D.C. this week, after a barrage of reports of illicit drug use and bizarre behavior.  His problems stemmed from sending strange emails and photos of himself, including the photo below to his staff last Halloween.  Wu also appeared in a second photo dressed in the same costume, lying face down on a bed while a child grabs his neck. 

Staffers also complained of erratic behavior by Wu during his reelection campaign last year, including "loud and angry behavior," saying "kooky things to staffers," and bashing his opponents for being "stingy with tips."  In fact, staffers staged two "interventions" to try to get him admitted to a psychiatric hospital.  In late February, Wu admitted to accepting prescription drugs from a campaign contributor last October, around the time of his erratic behavior.  In fact, 7 of his staff members have since he won reelection.  And all of this is years after he claimed "there are Klingons in the White House" on the House floor.

"Maybe if I'd worn a duck costume instead of a tiger costume, some of this wouldn't be happening" actual Wu quote

I think it's clear what has been going on here...  Either Wu just has an affinity for Princeton, or he must have been hanging out with Charlie Sheen, and was experiencing the high of #TIGERBLOOD, leading to his change in form.  Clearly it helped him in his campaign, leading to #WINNING.  If this is standard operating procedure during campaigning, I may have to reevaluate my career choices.  Popping pills, winning, tigerblood...  it sounds like a great time.  If Blin has a future in politics, this is what he should strive for.  As for Wu, he should just fully embrace a change of personality towards Mr. Wu from Deadwood- nothing will get his Oregon constituency more fired up than talking about "San Francisco cocksucker."

For more Wu shenanigans see this link.  And remember, David Wu Ain't Nothin to Fuck Wit...