President Obama has proposed a new tax on millionaires. You’re probably thinking the same thing I am: Will this be enough to let millionaires know how much we despise them? I’m afraid not.
When the recession first hit, we knew millionaires were the culprits. They’re always behind the problems in this country. Many of us can barely sleep at night knowing that millionaires are lurking out there with hearts full of evil and pockets full of money.
Most honest men are careful to never let their net worth get anywhere near seven digits, but not millionaires. They use dark tricks like “saving” and “investing” to make their money grow to unnatural levels. It’s time someone put a stop to it!
How many times have you applied to be a CEO to find that the position has already been filled by some millionaire?
And then they come into our neighborhoods, flashing their riches and stealing our women. Who knows what else they’ll do given free reign?
I saw this horror movie -- I forget the name -- where a billionaire dressed up as a bat and beat up poor people. How far is that from reality? Probably not far enough. In the least, I’m sure millionaires spend their evenings sitting in their Rolls Royces or dirigibles, hugging their bags of money, while pointing and laughing at our small bank accounts.
And the worst thing is knowing where millionaires got all their money: They took it from us! Millionaires create these nightmarish things called “businesses” that do nothing but find new ways to scam us out of our money.
Long ago, people were happy to live in dirt huts, but then millionaires and their businesses tricked us into needing things like indoor plumbing, electricity, cars, TVs and computers -- just so they could get more of our money. To afford these things, some of us end up working in those despicable businesses millionaires create. It’s a never-ending cycle of misery.
I don’t think President Obama’s millionaire’s tax will be enough to stop them. We’ve singled out millionaires for higher taxes for ages -- the income tax originally started as a way to take money from vile rich people -- yet they never seem to get the message: “We don’t want you here!”
To really strike out against millionaires, we need some sort of “warfare” based on “class.” I’ll call it “rich-guy battling.”
First, we’ll have to single out the millionaires. There could be a millionaire living in your neighborhood right now, and you don’t even know it! They don’t always identify themselves by wearing top hats and monocles (or bat costumes). What we need is a millionaire registry, so we can find out where they’re hiding and keep away from them. I certainly don’t want a millionaire dating my daughter.
By subjecting them to scorn, we can chase away the millionaires and make them live in their own separate neighborhoods. We should also single them out on planes and make them sit in their own section. Eventually, we’ll need laws to punish the worst millionaire offenders.
I say we start with Warren Buffett. You may think he’s our friend for proposing the millionaire’s tax, but he has far too much money to be considered anything other than pure evil. He should be publicly flogged as a clear message to everyone of what happens in this country if you make lots of money.
If we keep up our efforts, one day we could drive all millionaires and their businesses from this country. Then we can go back to our simple, honest lives living in dirt huts.
When we reach that day, I will throw a great feast in celebration. Everyone within a week’s journey is invited.
