And just like that… the dream was dead, as yesterday in Opening Day action, the TargetRx softball time lost its first game of the season, 18-10, falling to GMAC Bleacher Bums. However, said dream was likely not held by anyone at TargetRx, as with Berardi as coach, we knew he would cost us at least 3 games just with his horrid fielding ability, stupefying running mistakes on the base paths, and disgusting display at the plate.
Opening on the road as the visitors, TRx had the late game at Lukens Park/Everybody’s Playground, or whatever that field is called. The 6:30 start time was both a blessing and a curse, as it allowed everyone to arrive for the game on time, with the exception of Ana, who stopped by the playground to curse out some kids. However, the late start time wreaked havoc with the umpire’s eyes, as he called many of pitcher John Remington’s many clear strikes as balls.
With Berardi leading off, he quickly tried to work the count, so he could spend more time between the female catcher and female pitcher, as he figured even he couldn’t screw up those odds. Finally, with 2 strikes he swung the bat, hitting an easy fly ball to their right fielder for the first out of the game. It was almost a foul ball, which would have gotten TRx started off on the wrong foot, but would have been comical nonetheless, as the third strike foul ball rule is once again in effect this year.
In a move that the fans have been waiting for for years, B-rad had KB hitting in the two hole, despite his loss of speed due to his injured ankle. KB tried to make up for it with a different type of speed, as he was seen making underhanded deals with young children, selling sugar pills and cans of Coke under the slide at the playground while unknowing parents tried to forget they had kids. As has come to be expected after leading the team in batting average last year, KB continued his solid hitting from the pre-season with a line-drive base hit.
JR followed that up with a ground ball towards the hole between third and short. Unfortunately, the other team’s shortstop made the clean scoop, while yelling “there you go JR,” and just beat out a gimpy KB running towards second for the fielders choice. KB did try to follow in the footsteps of Jeff Kohl by hip-checking the female covering the base, but somehow, she was actually larger than he was, and he bounced off her, falling the ground pathetically.
With two outs, and JR on first, TRx staged a mini-rally, with Legrand getting on base and Jim “the Killer” Colizzo picking up 2 RBI, as TRx took a 2-0 lead. Then, straight out of the scene from Field of Dreams, Chris Golden walked out from the woods (where he must have been apologizing to all the squirrels he may or may not kill with errant throws to first this year). With Golden’s arrival, the crowd went nuts, or at least Ana and her niece’s dog went nuts, as Golden greeted the pooch with a “What up dog” as he flapped it up for the Feathers. Unfortunately, Golden made the final out of the inning, but somehow remains a loved former member of the TRx community.
In the bottom of the first, TRx showed off the solid defense, with Golden and GLG both making strong throws to first, where an almost blind KB managed to fight off the sun to make the catch. The Bums picked up one run (and some garbage- after all, a Bum has got to eat), as TRx hoped for a massive thunderstorm to roll through and give them the one inning victory.
In the second, TRx picked up a couple of more runs, Murphy, Long, Orgeron, and Ol Demps reaching base. The Bleacher Bums followed that up by scoring a few in the bottom of the 2nd. Then the wheels started to fall off, as Teen Wolf’s dad was mad at TRx by not having his lover from last year, Ana, playing catcher. He began to further mess up Remington’s ERA, opponents batting average, and walk totals, as JR quickly wanted three females from their team. It was at this point that Remington paused to announce to the crowd that he was actually staging a walk-a-thon to promote knee-brace awareness, and warned everyone that he planned on walking many more batters in the game. Berardi decided it was still a good idea to let him continue. However, these walks would come back to haunt TRx, as Bums top of the order made TRx pay, picking up 3 runs to take a 5-4 lead. After the inning, JR claimed he saw the other team put on skirts before stepping up to plate, and glued the bat to their shoulder, only to be reminded that those three walks were to women actually wearing skirts.
Once TRx got up to bat, they began to stage a comeback, with Legrand reaching on a single. After an out by Colizzo, Golden once again proved why he is the Hit King, belting a 2 run HR in the as the crowd went wild. Golden later proved why he is not known as the Glove King, as he misplayed a foul pop-up in the field, which led to him getting scared and not even running after a similarly hit ball later. However, immediately after his HR, the Elf benched him, as he didn’t want anyone but himself to get credit for running home (something the Elf is loathe to do).
Another highlight of the 4th was the three straight dribbler base hits (Murphy, Blin, and Ana) down the line in left, neither of which reached third base, but they managed to stay fare. TRx continued to take advantage of such opportunities (and their clients), with follow-up sac fly by Doug.
The next few innings went by with little fan-fare, with the exception of Bill Brightcliffe picking up the first strikeout of the year, swinging and missing at three straight pitches. He must have thought the ball was an international ProSigma Detail, and wanted no part of it. Next time he’d be advised to picture Berardi’s head on the ball, which should clearly lead to a homerun.
Berardi’s usual running miscue came on his only hit of the game. As he chugged those little Elf-legs towards first, he tripped over the bag, and laid on the ground for the next 12 minutes. Unfortunately, it was not his only time on the ground during the game, as he had yet another yelling throw from centerfield that missed the cut-off man and caused him to collapse. He later misplayed an angle on a ground ball to the outfield, once again dropped to the ground like a fool. However, he did manage to be part of the first double play of the year, as playing short-center field, he used his speed to cover second base for the first out, and made a surprisingly strong throw (for an Elf) to first for the DP, as he yelled out “That’s how you DP!”
Colizzo also had an incident at first, as his hustle caused him to slightly throw out his hip again. Berardi, being his usual compassionate self, decided the best thing for a guy with a bum hip to do was play third. Luckily, nothing major happened to add to the injury, but later in the game, the true stars of the game tried to take over, despite their injuries, as KB led off the 6th with a base hit, and Killer Colizzo rocketed a bomb to left. As both injured players limped around the bases, 6 snails, 3 turtles, and a old man in a walker passed them, but luckily Jim killed the ball enough that they both scored anyway.
Later, more comedy ensued as a shallow pop-up went towards the right side of the field. With semi-injured KB, semi-injured Ana, and semi-injured Blin all watching the ball’s path through the air, no one actually tried to catch it, as they all started rubbing their injuries and saying “Waaaa.” Finally in this inning, Remington had had enough, as after his 17th walk of the game, he learned how many fans donated money to the Knee Brace Foundation for Bears, Peanuts, and Batman, and he knew his job was done, and he walked off the field in the middle of the inning, basically quitting with two outs. Bill came in in relief and promptly gave up a homerun (with 2 of the 3 runs credited to JR) before settling down to finish the game.
Other highlights included Dempsey getting a base hit and not walk off the field, Shannon showing off her throwing arm by rifling her first two practice throws from second to first directly into the ground before they rolled to KB, Greg almost killing a woman on the other team as he doubled her up off first, with KB saving her by blindly throwing up his glove up and catching the ball, a general comedy of errors in the field late in the game, with key participants including Berardi, Dempsey, and others, Ana almost getting killed by a line drive which someone led to Berardi falling down again, and Kim playing catcher by standing behind the umpire, and a potential play at the plate on a ground ball to Remington, where he ran right at Lori, before waiting for the last second to throw it to her, almost causing her to get trampled in a horrific collision.
Towards the end of the game, Golden started showing off his new HMS math by claiming the Bums had doubled us up, as we were down 18-8. Hopefully, Greg from Finance was paying attention, and will use the same math next time he calculates our quarterly revenue, showing our first profit ever. In the end, TRx tacked on two more runs, one coming on Ana’s first RBI of the year, and lost, 18-10, leaving the team so disappointed, and the usual post-game happy hour was only attended by Doug, Dempsey, and TO.
Fans in attendance included Sam, Dana, Cliff (the Benefactor), as well as Jeff Brightcliffe and his wife, who came knowing there was a good chance Bill would strike out. When Cliff left, the team began complaining that Softball doesn’t factor into compensation (except for the Elf, who didn’t say a word as he knew he would definitely owe the company money for his many mistakes).
There will be two games next week, on Tuesday at 6:30 (against GMAC Golden Gloves) and Thursday at 5:15 against Toll Brothers. Get there early for the Thursday game, as those brothers don’t allow anyone near the field unless you pay their toll…
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