College Sports Sexual Abuse Scandals - The Dominos Start To Fall

Following the Penn State-Sandusky scandal, in what is likely the first of many revelations about sexual abuse by coaches (be it college, high school, or even younger), Syracuse assistant basketball coach Bernie Fine is now under investigation for molesting a team ball-boy for more than a dozen years in the mid 1980s.  Talk about giving the position "ball-boy" a whole new meaning...  But on a series note:

As a former youth and high-school athlete (who wasn't good enough to play in college), I can comment firsthand on the fact that the pyramid of power in any sports program (all the way down to the lower levels) is a tenet that is instilled from the first practice.  You never question any coach (let alone any players) above you in the chain of command.  They say with great power comes great responsibility, but in many cases, those with power abuse that responsibility.  This happens in all walks of life (see: politics).  

I foresee an immense increase in sexual abuse allegations towards coaches in the coming weeks/months/years, at all levels of sports.  When that happens, all the people who are vilifying Mike McQueary for not doing more (when it's not yet clear what he did or didn't do to stop the one incident he witnessed), will all have to look upon their own friends and neighbors with suspicion, as this is likely a much more widespread problem than anyone cares to admit.

If this leads to greater funding for support for victims of sexual abuse, or at least greater awareness of the problem, then hopefully generations of future children can be better protected than those who have had to endure such abuses.  It may very well lead to a dramatic decrease in voluntary participation on youth sports as well, which will have a ripple effect throughout high school and college sports for years to come, but if that protects children, that is an easy trade-off to make.

And lastly, if you see something, say something.  First, attempt to stop it from happening, but after that, it doesn't matter to who- say something to everyone you meet.  Make sure enough people know that even if you personally don't think you can make an impact (even though you can), make sure SOMEONE can.  After all,

"All that is necessary for evil to triumph over good is for good men to do nothing."

-Edmund Burke

Go Get Your Fuckin' Shinebox

An iconic scene from an even more iconic movie, now you can either get your own fuckin’ shinebox, or in a seemingly nice gift-giving way, send a warning to one of your mortal enemies, suggesting they get their fuckin’ shinebox or suffer your wrath.  Even better, hang the poster up in their office/cubicle or put it on their car windshield without telling them, and just keep giving them the staredown while wearing the t-shirt to scare the bejesus out of them, all thanks to this print and t-shirt set from Jon Smith, both for the low low price of $40.

If you don’t go buy one right now, YOU better go get your fuckin’ shinebox…

Protest the Black Friday Petitioners!

Lot’s of news regarding the petition started by a worker at Target and supported by over 100,000 others protesting the opening of Target, Best Buy, Macy’s et al at midnight Thanksgiving night in preparation for Black Friday, instead of the usual 3 AM - 6 AM openings that have plagued Black Friday’s past.  These petitioners are outraged by the mere thought of workers having to show up at 11 PM Thanksgiving night, claiming this hardship would ruin what is supposed to be a day spent with family.

I for one, am firmly against these petitioners.  In fact, I may have to start my own petition, in opposition to these petitioners (it’s all got a very PCU-feel to it, doesn’t it).  My reasons are the following:

• People who are petitioning Target and other retail stores to push back their openings to 5 AM are ruining a perfectly good excuse for workers at these establishments to get away from their families.  In an age where family gatherings are more and more stressful for the majority of society, any valid excuse to leave early, or avoid them entirely should be celebrated, not protested.  With the dread of spending time with family during the holidays, some people welcome this call of duty to help them get away- don’t take this perfect excuse away from them. 
• In addition, with unemployment as high as it is, many of these workers are thankful just to have a job.  In the grand scheme of things, what is going to help their family more- 2 more hours with them on a miserable Thanksgiving, where they get to “be thankful” about all that they don’t have, or actually going to work, to earn more money to support these very families.  These petitioners are trying to take money out of the pockets of the elements of society who needs it most!  And if these workers in fact don’t need the money, and feel that strongly about showing up at work at 11 PM, they are more than welcome to continue to spend time with their family, and find another job.
• These very petitioners who are aiming to push back the opening times of these retail stores will likely be the same ones who are there, lined up outside for hours beforehand hoping to get the latest deal.  In fact, they will most likely be starting vicious rumors about a pushed back start time so there will be fewer people there at midnight!
• Lastly, the vast majority of Thanksgiving celebrations are over long before these workers would actually be going to work.  In fact, if a family is still in the middle of their Thanksgiving feast when one of these workers would need to be leaving for their job, these families are contributing to the obesity epidemic in the USA, as eating late at night leads to weight gain.

Join me in urging these petitioners to get in a life through a method they are sure to understand- another petition, and let these workers work!

When The McRib Itself Just Isn't Enough...

While I’ve actually never personally tasted a McRib, as a lover of all things food, I’ve found myself constantly asking, “how can we make this thing better?”  At long last, this question has been answered, as our friends “Ze Germans” have created a monster (perhaps at the very Castle that shares a name with a more famous monster, Frankenstein).

For those who are too lazy to learn German to read about this monstrosity, suffice it to say that adding mozzarella sticks and bacon makes pretty much anything better (though I would not recommend trying this at home with your half-used bottle of Baconlube and half-eaten edible mozzarella undies).

For a briefer, English translation, go here.

Makin' Bacon

For the man who loves women almost as much as he loves bacon (or vice versa), the world is now complete.  I give you… baconlube.  Now you can ensure that the bacon is better than the fish when you’re eating at the Y.  Be sure to check out their other high quality products as well.  After all, it’s a lubricant even Ron Swanson could love…

Occupy My Counter (And Then My Stomach)

I highly recommend Troeg’s Mad Elf. Brewed with honey and cherries, this packs a whollup, at 11% alcohol, and is quite tasty. Granted, you may have to search for it, but who can deny the appeal of a Mad Elf?

Asshole of the Year (And A Much Longer Timeframe) - Jerry Sandusky

There is a new leader in the clubhouse... Jerry Sandusky...

By now pretty much everyone who has working ears and a functional brain has heard about the horrors of the sexual abuse scandal at Penn State.  Jerry Sandusky is clearly a vile and disgusting human being.  In fact, given the brief history of my own personal Asshole of the Year awards, he may continue to win said award in perpetuity given the heinous nature of his acts. 

Any of the individual allegations would be enough to land him on this list, but in aggregate, they make even Robert G Burton look good, and that is a very difficult thing to do.  He pretty much nails (pardon the word) every single item on the scumbag list

• Abuses a position of power
• Acts creepy in public showers
• Doesn't have any kids of his own, but is way too friendly with others kids
• STARTS A FOUNDATION TO GET MORE ACCESS TO KIDS!!!!

I'd get into more, but the grand jury testimony speaks for itself... 

The rest of the Penn State staff certainly bears some responsibility as well for failure to act.  In fact, some could argue that any normal homo-erotic butt-slapping that Paterno allowed to go on (or even participated in, not that there's anything wrong with that), let to an inappropriate level of acceptance of shenanigans most clearly displayed by McQueary's non-interference with the anal rape of a 10 year old that he witnessed...  In fact, for that reason he should probably be retroactively nominated as Asshole of the Year for 2002.

But, Jerry Sandusky, in only the first year of my Asshole of the Year Awards, you have already clinched the Asshole of Eternity Award...

Vets Eat Free

So yesterday was Veteran’s Day, meaning many national (or for those reading from abroad, more specifically, American) restaurants offered free meals for military veterans.  I’m a big fan of showing this sort of appreciation for the men and women who serve our country so diligently, given how selfish and cowardly most of the country is (myself included) when it comes to military service.  They are the true heroes that allow idiots like us to post on blogs like these…

However, I wonder if any veterinarians have ever attempted to take advantage of one of these restaurants running a “Vets eat free” campaign for a free meal?  Especially in those restaurants who lack the foresight to have any necessary legal stipulations regarding who exactly is eligible as protection from such people.  If a restaurant is stupid enough to just have up a sign with no disclaimers, I would definitely go there and claim I was a "vet."”

It seems like a sociological experiment is warranted- perhaps next year we’ll sent out a bunch of military veterans (dressed like veterinarians), a bunch of veterinarians (dressed in military fatigues), and a bunch of military veteran veterinarians (dressed however the f they want), and see who gets served (not in the terrible dance movie from 2004 sense), who gets denied, and who gets permanently banned from any of these so-called patriotic restaurants…

Target R Volleyball Season In A Nutshell

Once upon a time, in a township far, far away, there existed a mass of volleyball players.  There also existed a tall, lanky, Frisbee-playing figure who preferred the fashion of robes and had long flowing locks.  This "man" figured himself to be the master of all domains when it came to volleying balls (no comment on the veracity of this statement).  We'll call this figure Mean Joe.  No wait... that's too easy...  we'll call him Joe Ford...  DAMMIT, that's too easy too...  We'll just make it real hard (which is what this figure was when he discovered this power regarding volleyballs) and call him Mean Joe Ford.

2011 TRx Softball Playoff Game 1: I'd Rather Play On Than Play Off

On Tuesday, 8/16 TRx took on Reed in first round softball playoff action.  This would be their first playoff game since the olden days of 2007, a time when Berardi had not yet disappeared off the face of the earth (smart money has him in jail), as TRx continues to seek that elusive first softball championship.  What would be the payoff to this long playoff layoff?

2011 TRx Softball Game 12: Finale, The (Regular) Season Finally

On Tuesday, August 2, TRx took on the Dudnyk Nudnyks in their softball regular season finale.  Once again Terry was missing in action, as he was at another celebrity impersonation event, performing his spot-on Terrence Howard impression.  I'll leave it up to the people who were there at the BET awards to comment on whether he was wearing blackface or not...  But with Terry out of commission, KB was forced to take the round mound of pound again. 

2011 Volleyball: Live Blog of Target X Playoff Game (8/18/11)

August 18, 2011- A day that will live in TargetRx Volleyball infamy...  With heavy storms throughout the night an ominous feeling permeated the office for both members of Target X and Target R.  Gabriela and Kristin went on strike demanding a raise to show up for the game (they didn't get it), Mean Joe was being slightly less mean, Kevin didn't have his usual pregame lunch at Double Visions, and GLG didn't even show up to work.   He claims it was due to a pediatrician's appointment for Zoe, but in reality it was probably for him as he still doesn't have a big-boy doctor and his tummy hurt from the nervousness of the impending playoffs.  Plus he still enjoys a nice rectal thermometer every now and then, as well as the lollipop he gets afterwards, which hopefully he doesn't use in the same manner...  But luckily, with Target X playing the first game, KB was able to live-blog the Target X game against TelerX:

TRx Softball Game 11 Recap: If A Tie Is Like Kissing Your Sister, I Just Stuck My Tongue Down Her Throat... And Liked It

On Thursday, July 28, TRx took on 6-4 Team PBC in a legendary long-lasting softball game. At least TRx was playing softball; Team PBC seemingly was playing with no balls, as evidenced by their methodical approach at the plate of not swinging the bat ever. But at least it is now clear what the PBC stands for in their team name- the G-rated version being Pansies, Bums, and Chumps.

7/26 Target R Volleyball Game- Lost Without Joe

On Tuesday (7/26) Target R took on the undefeated Orbit in verified volleyball action.  After having a plethora of players at their previous game, Target R was back to fielding a forceful fivesome of KB, Aaron, Frank, Mike, and Gabriela.  Missing Mean Joe's youthful exuberance, this was a game filled with love, deception, greed, lust, and... unbridled enthusiasm.  You see, much like Billy Mumphrey, Mean Joe was a simple country boy.  Some might say a cockeyed optimist, who got caught up in the dirty game of world diplomacy and international intrigue... or he was just getting a quick fix by locking himself in a dark basement watching Ultimate Frisbee highlights.

TRx Softball Game 10 Recap: The Jerkstore Called...

On Friday, July 22, TRx was scheduled to play Connexin Software, in what would have been an alcohol-fueled orgy of bacchanalia.  However, given the late start time of 6:30, on a Friday, and the potential absence of 90% of the team, Coach Demps tried to reschedule this game.  After much back and forth, and a plethora of emails from Liberty, TRx had to forfeit, as Demps and Aaron would have been the only players there.  Everyone else (or at least KB) would have likely been passed out drunk. 

Later the following week, Detective LeGrand used his bulbous dome to research the shenanigans that went down.  Apparently, Connexin forfeited their game on 7/27, marking their third forfeit of the year.  Given their stellar commitment to the league, they were kicked out due to the number of forfeits.  Apparently, all three of their "wins" this year came off of Friday forfeits by the other team.  Their depravity knows no bounds, as these assholes specifically scheduled Friday games hoping the other team wouldn't show up to get victories.  This led to GLG and Demps filing an official complaint with the league, which should probably get them kicked out of the league, as now one cares...

But as far as Connexin goes, they are the latest nominees for Asshole of the Year.  Connexin, the jerkstore called, and they're running out of you!

Target X Volleyball Recap (7/19 Game 2): T.E.A.M.- Target R Easily Accomplishes Mission

On Tuesday, a tired Target X took on the tragically tenacious Telerx team of tools and twits.  Fresh off of a stinging loss to Target R that caused Kevin to contemplate the very nature of his existence, only one thing could ease his mind (besides a trip to Double Visions)- the re-addition of KB to the team.  It was as if it were a scene straight of of Brian's still-in-progress novel, as enemies become friends (when bitterness ends).

TRx Intra-Company Volleyball Game 2 (7/19): Rules? How We're Playing, We Don't Need No Stinkin Rules

Last night (7/19), part two of the great Target R-Target X volleyball feud took place on the mean v-ball courts of Horsham.  Temperatures were expected to reach over 100 degrees, and that was just from Joe and Kevin's blood boiling over the chance to once again destroy each other and prove who was the marginally better tall, lanky, poor excuse for an athlete.

TR Volleyball Game Recap (7/12): Four Ain't Fair

On Tuesday night (7/12), Target R took on Kriesher Miller in a repeat of their game two weeks ago.  After last weeks trade of KB rocked the volleyball league to its core, an even more stunning trade occurred earlier this week- KB for Steve (who hasn't showed up to any games), Mean Joe's Ford, and a favor from Terry.  Knowing this trade would make Target R unstoppable, during negotiations Terry said to Kevin "what do you need me to do?  Whack a guy?  Off a guy?  Whack off a guy?"  While nefarious thoughts danced through Kevin's head, in the end he decided to simply have Terry keep his seat at Double Visions warm until he got there after Target X's game.

TRx Softball Game 9 Recap: The Curse Of Olde English Has Been Lifted

On Monday night, 7/11 (doubles?), TRx took on on the Liquient Regulators, in TRx's first game without Josh.  Before starting his new job, he took a quick pit stop in Phoenix, Arizona, to see if his PBC Sports All-Star berth would transfer over to the Major League All Star game, but was laughed right out of Chase Field, despite all of the professionals who had dropped out of the game either due to injury or pitching on Sunday.  To add insult to injury, after being escorted off of the premises, police questioned him pursuant to SB1070, and demanded to see his immigration papers.  However, all Josh had was his Ice Road Trucker registration.  Unable to prove his legal status, Josh was deported to Mexico, where he is now trying to become a real-life Kenny Powers.

Power of the Masses = The Downfall Of Society

A few things of note happening this week...  well, probably more than a few, but given the explosion of Twitter/Facebook/whatever new medium is out there (Google +), there are a bunch of posts by the idiot masses of society, of which very few subjects actually matter:

7/5/11 Volleyball Game Recap: A House Divided Against Itself Cannot Stand

As Abraham Lincoln (Vampire Hunter?) said, "a house divided against itself cannot stand," which proved true in the long-awaited intra-office volleyball game between Target R and Target X on Tuesday, 7/5.  With news of the balance-of-power-altering trade of KB from Target R to Target X still taking the league by storm, an odd explosive quiet occupied the halls of TargetRx throughout that fateful day.  Mean Joe, unable to sleep since said trade/giveaway of KB, was antsy with anticipation, and just kept repeating the words "Set," "Bump," and "Spike over and over again.  Luckily, no one named Spike with ties to the cocaine industry works at TRx, or else many bumps would have been set up, potentially leading to the forfeiture of games due to failed drug tests by Mean Joe and his team.

TRx Volleyball Game 5 Recap: Return of the New Guy

On Tuesday, 7/28 Target R finally played their third game of the season, after postponements the previous two weeks.  Mean Joe must have been going insane with anticipation, as he lives for these games.  However, all that waiting made it that much better when he realized KB would be making an appearance at the game.  As these two star-crossed former colleagues saw each other across the sand, time stood still.  Finally, the began running towards each other in slow motion and embraced, and all was right in the world.

TRx Softball Game 8 Recap: Taking It In The Bottom Never Felt So Good

On Tuesday night (6/28/11), TRx (5-2) took on the Feral Cats (4-3) in a prime pairing for potential playoff positioning.  However, things looked ominous early on as TRx was short-handed to start, with TO missing in action while undergoing surgery for his torn ACL (which likely occurred when Trucker Josh almost chased him down on a home run two games ago), and Aaron having a bizarre clothing malfunction.  Apparently he only brought in his righty softball paraphernalia to work, so he had to rush home to get his lefty equipment and keep up the ruse that he is a crafty lefty (although the said ruse proves he is quite crafty).

TRx Softball Game 7 Recap: My Ears Hurt

On Thursday, 7/16, TRx (5-1) took on undefeated Quest Diagnostics (3-0) in a battle of B-league juggernauts.  Before the game, Dempsey used his motivational skills once again, proclaiming "a loss won't be the end of the world" and a bunch of other words that TRx tuned out, soothed by the knowledge that the world would be safe regardless of the outcome.  However, Quest had one quickly Diagnosed secret weapon in this game that would make TRx's quest that must more difficult- a schizophrenic catcher who wouldn't shut up the whole game.  Not even the presence of Zoe was enough to overcome the incessant alternation between heckling and offers of friendship from The HUman Megaphone (THUM).

Tripleheader of Recaps Coming Up

Why?  Because who couldn't use three times the head...

Softball Game 7 Recap- The Curious Case of Nurse Jeckyl and Miss Hyde
Softball Game 8 Recap- A Tribute to Double D
Volleyball Game ? Recap- If Mean Joe Falls in the Forest...

Wait...  you have three heads?

The GLG Realignment Special

From the insane mind of GLG, his MLB realignment plan (2011 records through 6/22): 

NL WEST:
San Fran 39-34
LA Angels 36-39
Oakland 34-40
LA Dodgers 34-41
San Diego 31-44

Killing The Killing

Terrible finale...  which allows a guest rant from Blin:

Everything (or at least some things) awful about The Killing:

• They waited 12 days to check the internet browsing history of the victim? Where'd they go to detective school - Disney World?
   

2011 TRx Softball Game 6- A Game Of Inches

On Monday (6/6), TRx took on Softerware, who apparently have not gotten any softer since last year (or they were just too cheap to get new jersey's proclaiming they EvenSofterWare or Softererware).  Last year this matchup proved Harder(ware) than TRx had anticipated, as they were only able to put up one lone run against these heathens, in what proved to be the beginning of the end of their season (they had been 5-1 heading into the game).  With this year's team at 4-1, they had to pull out all of the stops to prevent a repeat performance.

TRx Softball Game 5- Beating Reed Is Fun-damental

A long time ago (5/24) on a field far, far away (Horsham), TRx took on Reed. Reports from the game are hazy due to the time that has passed since then, as well as the happy hour held beforehand. In celebration of the great start to the season, as well as joy that the rapture came and went with about as much fanfare as JR showing up to a game, the team gathered at the Iron Abbey. While GLG tried to convince Terry he was only going over to prevent the rest of the team from drinking too much, in fact he led the onslaught, as all of the fans who had gathered there broke out in a chant of “GREG THE KEG,” owing to the similar size and weight of his bulbous dome to a keg of beer.

TRx Softball Game 4 Recap: If A 'Logue Falls In Horsham, Does It Make A Sound?

On Friday (Friday) night, TRx took on their office nemesis Verilogue in a game for the ages.  With ESPN 27 broadcasting live to Equitorial Guinea (where there is a surprising paucity of guineas/Italians), the fans showed up en masse for this game.  Or at least Gabriela's boyfriend represented for TRx, while various other people with nothing better to do were there, presumably from Verilogue, though perhaps they were there just to see the man, the myth, the legend, infamous bi-cyclist, as well as bicyclist, Jamison.

After last year's close 6-5 TRx victory, which resulted in Verilogue being banned from use of all indoor bathrooms in 220 Gibraltar, Verilogue was pumped for this game.  The dick-tionary defines Verilogue as "verified log," or at least that's what their team claimed to be, after having to hold it in their own office all year.  In fact, Philadelphia Phillie Pete Orr's brother Ryan claimed going into the game that he was willing to get his log verified by any means necessary (thank God Berardi is no longer here).  Yet their claims would prove to be false during this contest, as except for a first inning rally while TRx missed their usual position players, the only logs coming from Verilogue were either flaccid during the rest of the game, or were left steaming behind home plate.  Meanwhile, TRx had been preparing for this game all day long, which resulted in an impromptu individualized rendition of the instant classic, Friday (see the full TRx lyrics here).

With TRx as the home team, Verilogue approached the plate first, despite missing their fearless (or fearful) leader Koz.  Apparently, he was still searching for Duke on his NCAA bracket, as he recently heard that that Grant Hill kid is a player.  Or he was just scared that KB would batter him with line drives just out of his reach once again.  Hey, he's not CEO, president, and co-founder for nothing...  plus he had just gotten a new shipment of M&M's in.  But he knew his team was in good hands, with Orr and a juiced Jamison representing.

My best chance to make money is to bet on myself to not show up to the game!

With KB, TO, and Steve showing up late after running into some 12 year old tough girls who wouldn't give up their candy (no really, we promise it was just candy we wanted), TRx was forced into scrambling for a defensive lineup in the first inning.  Natural EH Demps was forced into right field, while Bob had to man first base without the usual glove he uses. These placements would come back to haunt TRx, as Old Demps missed a fly ball in the outfield, and Bob heard the footsteps at first, dropping what could have been the third out as one of the woman from Verilogue (sorry woman, I forgot your name) tried to prove herself as the true owner of Josh's nickname and completely TRUCKED Bob, who dropped the ball while being thrown 25 feet from the base.  Verilogue jumped out to a quick 4-0 lead, but you know what they say about counting your logs before they fall in a forest with no one around to hear them...

Luckily, the three TRx stalwards showed up with only minimal damage being done.  Steve risked life, limb, and the chance to sleep on his front lawn (in addition to the permanent possibility that he would get thrown out of the game), while TO emerged from the woods willing to help TRx instead of the other team with his illicit substances he usually sells.  After Steve and TO showed up, KB finally arrived during the bottom of the first, as TRx tried to get back into the game.  Apparently, Koz convinced his usual M&M delivery truck to unleash the fury, and let a massive quantity of M&Ms flow out of his usual delivery truck onto the PA Turnpike, causing traffic problems for KB.  However, once he finally arrived, the TRx defense settled down, as Craig and GLG made terrific plays on the left side to made sure the Verilogue lead-off hitter would not reach base easily.

TRx slowly began to chip away from the deficit (as GLG said "awwww, chippin away"), scoring in the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th innings to cut the lead to 4-3.  In the meantime, the TRx defense was en fuego, as they equaled the number of double plays they had turned to date, with three in this game.  Aaron made a catch on the run in the outfield to double someone off first, and GLG continued to be a beast, using the gravitational pull of his bulbous head to pull every ball closer to him, allowing him to gobble up everything that came near him, step on 2nd, and fire to first.  Even Gabriela got involved, sacraficing her leg on one relay in from the outfield to prevent the runners on first and second from advancing.

Facing an enormous 4-3 deficit, the TRx bats lit up in the bottom of the 5th.  Steve reached on a double, with KB quickly knocking him home to tie the game, and later scored the go-ahead run.  The top of the order then ran off a barrage of hits, including a GLG home run, as TRx scored five in the inning to take a commanding 8-4 lead.

In the top of the 6th, Lance Armstrong's latest pupil/guinea pig and presumed steroid user Jamison came up to bat.  Earlier in the game he hit a solid shot deep in the hole, but JB knew he was playing the long con, and make sure he was thrown out, convincing TRx of his lack of speed.  Despite his numerous acrobatic plays at first, TRx continued to not have faith in JB for the rest of the game.  However, during that final at bat, after a mighty hack, Jamison started motoring around the bases.  Time seemed to stand still for a while, as the time it took him to go from base to base kept increasingly exponentially.  The 8 seconds it took him to reach first turned into 64 to reach second, 512 seconds to reach 3rd, and a full 4,096 seconds to reach home.  In fact, despite how far he hit the ball (being the one time it seemed like someone used a verified log), he was still almost tagged out at home, and would have been if not for KB hearing the footsteps for a full minute and 8 seconds before finally bailing out in fear of being trucked.  After such an expenditure of energy, Jamison passed out next to the bench for at least the next 30 minutes.  In fact, there is a good chance he may still be there, as he certainly didn't come to the happy hour after the game...  I get the Giro d'Horsham must have been going on...

With TRx holding a 8-5 lead, a random local asian genleman named Blin walked passed (before jumping on the Chinatown bus to go to his late-night job in AC) during the bottom of the 6th, offering insurance (runs) to TRx.  Despite the fact that TRx had a prime scoring opportunity of Gabriela, Steve, and KB coming up, instead of hitting an 8 versus a 5, Old Demps decided to stay, putting TRx in the precarious position of having to hold a 3 run lead going into the 7th.

With the game on the line, Terry gave up a quick basehit before answering back with a huge strikeout.  A hit and an out later, Verilogue had men on second and third, trailing by three with the always dangerous Orr up.  As his former roommate, KB tried to contort his body into looking like the bearclaw bathtub Orr used to own, but without Remington (Bear) there, he was unsuccessful.  Orr rocked a basehit up the middle, cutting hte deficit to 8-7.  On the relay home, GLG quickly tried his lesser know signature move of the "backdoor charlie/drunken slip" (which is actually how he got his wife to marry him) to sneak the ball past Orr when he wasn't looking at first, but just missed him.  Yet despite GLG's failed backdoor slip attempt, TRx quickly got the third out, pulling out the 8-7 victory.

The victory brings TRx to 3-1, and 2-0 lifetime versus Verilogue.  However, Orr once again made TRx submit, as using his devil's logic he proved that Verilogue will always be on top of TRx.  All of this despite where the wasteful, unnecessary staircase used to be...  But some of us will always have the "April 2005- We Did It" shirts, and that's the kind of thing that makes it all worth it...

Who's house? RUN'S HOUSE!!!

TRx Game 4 Inspiration: This Is The Remix... Of... Friday?

In a game TRx was looking forward to all year, TRx was fired up from the time they woke up.  In fact, unknowingly, they each individually broke out into song as the afternoon wore on while Josh laid down the classic party beats (to the much better Stephen Colbert version, not the original Rebecca Black version- not that there is anything wrong with Blacks... especially Leon...):

(GLG) 4:45 PM, getting ready for softball
Gotta be fresh, gotta go change in the bathroom
Gotta have my water, gotta have gatorade
Seein’ 'loguers descend the stairs, the time is goin’
Tickin’ on and on, everybody’s rushin’
Gotta get down to the fi-eld
Gotta beat the traffic, I see their cars 

(Christin & Kristin) Sittin' on the bleachers,
Sittin’ on the bench
Gotta make my mind up
Which position shall I play?

(Gabriela) It’s Friday, Friday
Gotta play Verilogue on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to happy hour (happy hour)
Friday, Friday
Playing Verilogue on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to happy hour

(Bob) Softballin’, Softballin’ (Yeah)
Softballin’, Softballin’ (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin’ forward to happy hour

(KB) So chillin’ with our team (With our team)
Playing their team (Playing their team)
We're fielding, batting (Yeah, yeah)
Making plays, scorin' runs,
Wit’ a EH on our side (Woo!)
(Almot) Passin’ by is  runner
Iin front of me
Makes teammates, teammates, wanna scream
Check my time, it’s Friday, it’s a weekend
We gonna have fuuuuuuunnn....

(both TO's) Two days ago was Weiser, Weiser

Today i-is Verilogue, Verilogue
We-we-we so excited
We so excited

We gonna play softball today

(Craig) Next game is Reed (Reed)

And Softeerware comes after...wards

I don’t want this season to end

(Aaron) Friday, playing softball on Friday
Looking forward to the game, you know it's Verilogue
Friday, Friday
Playing softball on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to happy hour

(Old Demps) Softballin’, Softballin’ (Yeah)
Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin’ forward to happy hour...

(Steve- as the crowd does it's "Daddy" chant):
Friday, playing softball on Friday
Looking forward to the game, you know it's Verilogue
Friday, Friday
Playing softball on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to happy hour
Softballin’, Softballin’ (Yeah)
Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin’ forward to happy hour... 

***********************
Just wait until GLG produces the video...

TRx Softball Game 3- Weiser Makes Unwise Decision To Show Up

On Wednesday night, TRx took on their new buds, Weiser. And Weiser played about as well as the Budweiser talking frogs drunk off of the very product they were promoting would have, as TRx showed up for a softball game and a track meet broke out, giving all the running they did on the bases.  TRx managed to eke out thrilling (for us) 19-2 victory. It was as if Weiser brought a knife to a gunfight/a pen to a test.

After much initial confusion on who would actually be at the game and even more potential lineup configurations than usual, TRx fielded a full team of 13 and welcomed the season debuts of Ed and Young Johnson. Dempsey also put some members of the team like GLG on notice that he was not happy with their hitting performance, dropping them in the lineup. That’s one way from letting Greg’s bulbous head get any bigger than it already is. Once again, KB got their early to scout, only to find a father-daughter combo practicing on the field. Surprisingly, it was not GLG putting his daughter into early softball training.  Though despite only being able to crawl, sadly, she still could have helped Weiser.

As the home team, TRx was up first. After hits consecutive hits to start the game, Aaron smacked a line drive to the towards the hole. Immediately Old Demps knew he’d have to show off his track-star speed to beat a play at second, and took off, arriving at the base in the amount of time it takes Greg from finance to cook the books every quarter. However, all of the earlier lineup confusion was still messing with his mind, as he ran back to first base instead of attempting to advance.  Luckily, this mistake didn't cost TRx too badly, as they still managed two runs out of the inning to take an early lead.

With Christin missing in action to start the game, much to her chagrin, Gabriela was forced into catching duty. While she wasn’t happy about it, we all can agree that it was much better than catching doodie (at least I hope we can). This forced Bob to play second where he immediately got some action. The first batter his a line drive past a diving KB, who was attempting to imitate the down and dirty ways of the near-invisible man from last week. Next came a pop up to the right side, causing a near collision between Bob and Terry. On the following play, Bob had to do his Stretch Armstrong impression to just get the ball in time for a force at second. Soon after, Christin showed up, as Gabriella rejoiced and all was right in the TRx softball world again.

TRx started off the second inning with a flourish. A former high school football fan in Florida, Ed was seen with large wads of cash before the game, consorting with the illicit type that like to watch strangers play softball. No one knew which team he had bet on, and all eyes were on him as he strode to the plate. The answer was readily apparent as he hit an “Oppo Boppo” opposite field home run, starting off his TRx softball career in style. TRx added four more runs to take a 7-0 lead.

In the next inning, Weiser finally got on the board. With Craig at EH (along with Aaron and Old Demps), Brian knew he had all the attention on him at third, and he made the most of it. On a routine pop-up to the left side, in his excitement, Brian chest-bumped the ball into his glove. Luckily, he had not gone to the gym in a few days, or else his bulging pecs would have caused the ball to richochet into the woods. Later, on a line drive he showed off his 3-inch vertical, and succeeding in performing the touch-pass to himself, as the ball bounced off his glove and into his bare hand (but not into Bear’s hand).

In the third and fourth inning, the TRx offense exploded. Hearing chants of “hit the ball to where you summer” Remington showed that 3 years without softball has allowed all of his previous injuries to heal, and hit the ball hard. Despite an injured leg, Brian continued to motor around the bases, limping home at one point. Josh hit a home run where he almost got to show off the reason for his nickname, with a near Ice Road Trucking of the opposing pitcher and catcher as he crossed the plate. In fact, he nearly got two fistfuls of man-boob, which either would have made him really happy, or really upset. GLG also had a homerun, almost running down Christin ahead of him.  Perhaps he was attempting to avenge her taking away his grand slam opportunity by hitting a solid RBI line drive to left field right before Greg was up. 

As the rest of the TRx bats started to pour it on, KB took a different approach, and decided to play small ball. He showed off his magical abilities during one at bat, taking a massive swing that resulted in a slow dribbler down the first base line. Despite him attempting to will the ball foul, once he realized the first baseman was going to catch it, he saw the perfect opportunity to practice his ballet moves, attempting to pirouette around the tag. Alas, it did not work, but he did advance the runner. Later, he again hit it to the right side to move runners up, marking the first time ever he has managed go the other way (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

Dancing, without stars

Despite nursing a 15 run lead, the fourth inning was not without drama, as Gabriela almost had to roll some heads. While running to second on a ground ball, she seemingly avoided the tag of the opposing team, whose second baseman was clearly standing in the base path, with the umpire calling her safe. Immediately, the other team started to cry. Presumable due to the perceived missed call, but it’s equally likely it was due to the pounding they were taking. With the other team mouthing off, Gabriela was ready to take the out, go back to the TRx bench, grab a baseball bat, and pretend the opposing pitcher was a catcher and throw the bat at him, but managed to restrain herself from going Hobo With A Shotgun style.

Weiser went down in order to end the game, as TRx finished off the four inning 19-2 drubbing, with everyone reaching base, and Ed winning all of his bets. TRx succeeded with both beauty and age, as the bottom of the lineup (Ed, Craig, GLG) and Old Demps had a combined age higher than the total IQ of the rest of the beautiful people. Demps gave one of his usual rousing speeches after the game, proclaiming “If it was easy it would be called soccer, and we just played a soccer game.” 

Next game is Friday versus office nemesis Verilogue, with a rumored happy hour following the game.

Bill Maher- NOT The Science Guy

Despite whatever philosophical disagreements I may have with Bill Maher, I do enjoy watching his show.  I was one of the people on his side when he got fired from ABC for saying that the terrorists were not cowards, a statement I still agree with.

But tonight he's doing his usual schtick on HBO, getting on his knees for Obama, and claiming that Bin Laden got "lazy" because he was finally caught in the same place he had been hiding for the past 6 years.  If only he would listen to what he himself is saying- the man was in the same hiding spot FOR OVER 6 YEARS without being caught.  Why should he leave that spot?  He brings up Salman Rushdie, and his changing apartments every day to stay alive.  I don't know, Bin Laden did survive for a good TEN YEARS with his strategy, when the entirety of the world was looking for him.  meanwhile, those looking for Salmen were a bunch of ignorant motherfuckers, who only happened to look for him when he would release a book that was detrimental to them.  Hmmm...  good comparison Bill... 

Bill, how about you try to how anywhere for 7 days without being caught...  Feel free to go back to your home country under the cover of darkness- I still think you'd be found in about 2 days.  And if you found a safe house where you lasted 3 days, you'd probably stay there indefinately...  And Bill, as much as you like to claim that the Koran and the Bible preach hatred towards other people, you can say the same thing about the book your people worship as well.

But the worst thing he said tonight was in asking why we can't claim that the war on terror is over now that Bin Laden is dead.  Hate to break it to everyone but for the past 10 years Bin Laden has been a figurehead.  If anything, the amount of money spend trying to find him versus the benefit of finally killing him has been part of what has been bankrupting this country.  And guess what?  The POTUS is just a figurehead as well.  In reality, they both had about the same amount of real powers.  Osama could motiviate his jihadists, if they were able to hear what he had to say.  If anything, he had more power than Obama, who could TRY to push his own agenda, but in reality could only veto bills he didn't agree with, or sign off on things that were already passed. 

The only thing that will get this country back on track is increasing taxes across the board, but keeping the social stability nets that are necessary for the poor, while at the same time giving them the means and desire to take advantage of said social stability nets.  But in reality, even though Obama has claimed to want to increase taxes on the rich, as president, he has still taken advantage of the very same loopholes that he claims to want to close...  As president he should be leading the way, and taking the standard deduction on his taxes, "paying it forward" instead of just talking a talk that he doesn't believe in.  So should all rick folk- nothing is stopping them from paying more in taxes than they owe... 

Roger McDowell- Latest Asshole of the Year Candidate

The latest candidate of asshole of the year, Roger McDowell joins Dez Bryant;  Antonio Cromartie, and Robert G Burton (so nice he's listed twice). 

Roger, Roger, Roger...  After a career in the major league that is the definition of average (70-70), you someone manage to get a job as a coach.  Good for you, as a former NY player, I appreciate that, even though I'm a Yankees fan instead of a Mets fan.  However, as pitching coach of the Braves, while in another city, you are stupid enough to get into a verbal altercation with fans?  In the year 2011 you are stupid enough to ask three San Francisco fans if they are a 'homo couple' or a 'threesome'?  And then using the well-known symbol of the shocker to stimulate intercourse, in addition to other lewd comments and gestures?

As much as I'd like to say I'd normally be on your side, Roger, you are a fucking idiot...  Did you forget that it was 2011?  Did you want a early-season vacation?  Did you really tell a fan that "kids don't belong at the fucking ballpark?"  Roger, once again, you are a fucking idiot.   This situation itself is idiotic, but combine that with the fact that you were the second spitter...  Way to blame it on Keith Hernandez. Roger McDowell, you are the latest candidate for Asshole of the Year.  If anything, you should have at least blamed it on Vince Coleman, although he probably would have tried to bleech that stain out of his history...

TRx Softball Game 2 Writeup- When "The Animal" Attacks

As some people may have heard, there has been some big news over the last few days.  Yes, the royal wedding was a rousing success (although Greg pulled off Kate Middleton's dress much better while in drag the previous weekend).  Sure, somehow Fast Five pulled in $86.2 million at the box office, demonstrating the increasing stupidity of America.  Of course, Justin Bieber was hit with eggs at a concert in Australia, in what was certainly a g'day, mate.  But most importantly, TRx had their second game of the young season, and came away with a breathtaking victory of Krysta's cunning Kellogg compatriots.  Some of them may have even been linguists, too.

Greg never felt so pretty...

As this was KB's season debut, he decided to arrive early to scout Kellogg (and try to score some free cereal).  Somehow, they had over 20 players at the field before the second player for TRx showed up.  And surprisingly, it wasn't Mean Joe Ford, as he would have had a field day recruiting the other team for what could have been a 5th and 6th volleyball team.  When Krysta arrived, memories of last season overwhelmed her, and she instinctively skipped over to KB on the TRx bench.  Before her new teammates could drag her away kicking and screaming (but in a much more entertaining way than the Will Ferrell classic), KB imparted one piece of advice, knowing it would stick in her head and lead disastrous results for the rest of the game- don't hit it to GLG.  

This game also represented the season debuts of Terry, Kirk, and Craig "The Animal" Scott.  Each had a memorable entrance for the throng of fans in attendance.  As Terry walked confidently to the mound, the crowd went wild and started waving their Terry-ble Towels.  As Josh laid down the classic party beats, Animal from the Muppets (dressed like Craig in what looked almost like a full softball uniform) led the crowd in a rousing rendition of Ginuwine's classic (?) hit "In Those Jeans," in homage to Kirk's attire.

As Terry tried to get reacclimated to the pitching mound and the variable strike zone, the defense behind him was stellar.  After the Double D-inspired (which Kevin would have loved) obligatory "Wait for your fielders, Terry," he did just that, as Craig manned the hot corner, with GLG at short, Gabriela at the deuce, and KB at first.  With Craig using a glove that was twice as old as Gabriela, there was a lot of experience in the infield.  This experience came in handy, as the left side gobbled up everything hit to them.  GLG had a heads-up play (which is saying something when you're talking about his bulbous dome) to get the lead runner at third on one play, and Craig instigated the first double play of the year, fielding a grounder, stepping on third, and firing to first where KB made a solid scoop (there you go, JR).  He even put on his own slow-motion instant replay, so Kellogg could see what two scoops really looks like.  Suck it, Raisin Bran...

Other key defensive plays included a pop up to deep third that almost led to a collision between GLG and Craig.  Luckily, Greg kept his bulbous head up, and no one was injured as they both hugged it out.  Aaron almost added to the highlights while just missing a nice diving catch in the outfield.  On a pop-up to second, GLG and KB had a screaming match over who would be better suited to protect Gabriela.  They decided to make a cocoon-like shell around her, before KB caught the ball, and Gabriela emerged safe and sound.

Meanwhile, during the bottom of the first, as the TRx offense tried to offend, a fan asked "Why do fingers fing?"  However, other questions would arise on the first TRx hit of the game, as Josh seemingly beat out a grounder to the left side but was somehow called out.  To think, the one time Josh doesn't try to truck someone, he gets called out.  Craig was incredulous, and even asked the ump if he was joking.  This put in motion a series of makeup calls throughout the rest of the game for both teams leading to confusion all around, including when Aaron was called safe at first on a play where he was clearly out, only to be immediately called out at second where he was seemingly safe.  I hadn't seen that much makeup since last week, again when GLG was in drag...

Seeing the calls being made, the opposing left fielder knew what he had to do- get dirty enough that no one would be able to see him while he ran the bases.  In preparation for this, he quickly ran to the woods to shave off all body hair for safety purposes.  On his next at bat, after a fly ball to right center dropped, he raced safely to second, and slid from 15 feet away, reminiscing about the joys of Slip-n-Slide, and covering half of his body in dirt.  Later, after a fake throw to first by Craig, he was caught leaning towards third, and dove back into second, despite the fact that Craig was 30 feet away from him and no one was covering the base, coating the other half of his body. 

When asked about his sliding ways during the game, he claimed he was representing the dirty South.  Either that, or he was trying to dig to China.  Or perhaps he was related to The Mole, Busmalis from the HBO series Oz.  Regardless, as the bruises piled up, he eventually gave in to the pain, and asked to borrow Kirk's jeans as protection.

His mother was a mudda...

The bottom half of the lineup continued to carry the team offensively, keyed by Craig insalting the other team by peppering the field with pin-point placement of his base hits.  TRx picked up two key insurance runs in the 6th, giving them a 6-3 lead going into the seventh. 

Kellogg quickly put two runners on base, including the left fielder, now almost completely invisible against the brown of the dirt, as fears of a repeat of last game crept into the minds of the team.  Luckily, Terry induced a pop-up to the right side.  KB made a break for the ball, his long gazelle-like stride in full effect.  After waiting what seemed like an hour for the ball to fall, he caught it, and raced back to first, hoping that the invisible man (not Ralph Ellison) would not beat him there.  His speed worked, as TRx won on a game-ending double play, doubling the number of successful double plays in the game. 

In the end, TRx was a cereal killer and escaped with a 6-3 victory, as Krysta immediately asked for her old job back.  Without the joyful exuberance of Christin and motivation pep talks of Old Demps to cheer her on, and with KB's words still in her head, all she could only muster two ground-outs to GLG, and a walk.  Though in fairness to Terry, Greg did say he was tired during that at-bat, so Terry walked her on purpose to spare GLG more action.

With the victory, TRx is now 1-1.  While the offense did just enough to win, the defense was stellar, reminiscent of the GLG-Golden days, when they team was showered with praise.  And as Craig proved in his softball debut, it turns out the old commercials are true- nothing can stop... THE ANIMAL!

Oh yeah, and we killed that Osama guy, which I guess is a big deal.  America... F$%# YEAH.

2011 TRx Softball Season Preview

Ahhh, the joys of springtime- the warming of the weather, the blooming of flowers, and most importantly, the start of a new softball season for TRx.  All joyous occasions, but only the last brings with it an excuse for KB to distract himself with write-ups that almost no one will read, and references/inside jokes that even fewer people will get.  And there is no time better for a season preview than after the first game has already been played.

Last year's season ended in disappointment, as TRx failed to make the playoffs.  To add insult to injury, the final few weeks played out with TRx almost getting no-hit one game, TRx losing their finale on a game-ending triple-play where TRx was unable to accomplish what David so enthusiastically cheers for ("Let's take it in the bottom!"), and KB becoming embroiled in what has to be one of the first ever slow-pitch softball umpire feuds (see beginnings of it in comments here). 

It was an off-season of change in many ways for TRx, with the loss of Krysta to softball team arch-rival Kellogg, Kristin getting engaged, GLG having a baby (well, not him, but his wife), and Steve getting a hole in one.  Along with the remnants from last year, this year's team picks up some new faces (although some of them have technically been on the roster for multiple seasons, but rarely, if ever, actually showing up at any games), as well as another ex-employee/client making his triumphant return to TRx sports.

Onto the new players:

Craig "The Animal" Scott (no relation to Michael Scott, although rumor has it that Craig auditioned for the role of Michael Scarn, and was a financial backer of Threat Level Midnight)- Early reports state he has a good bat.  As further motivation, he has promised everyone on the team an extra month of vacation if we win the title.  The icing on the cake- instead of going to the Iron Abbey for pre/post game celebrations, all future shenanigans will take place at the VFW (home of the world famous hand-pressed roast beef).

Gabriela- This skilled project coordinator was brought in for intimidation.  Much like a popular technique when going to prison is to pick a fight with the biggest, baddest guy on the cell block, Gabriela put the whole league on notice in her first game- firing the bat back at both the catcher and umpire.  Let's see the umps try to continue the feud now...

Kevin- After making his debut late last season, Kevin joins the team on a more full-time basis this year.  This tall glass of water enjoys dancing, long walks on the beach, and writing poetry.  Only one of those statements is true, and let's say it's not usually him doing the dancing.  After years of hearing of the joys and getting a small taste of the TRx softball team last year, this year Kevin hopes his keen (Double) Visions will allow him to get many a walk.  While in Vegas for the Super Bowl, Kevin even placed a futures bet on TRx to win the whole league.  Given the extremely long odds, if that happens don't expect to see Kevin ever again...

Kirk- According to GLG, Kirk becomes the first IT guy to ever play on a TRx sports team.  Rumor has it he is now being shunned by the rest of the IT department for his betrayal.  The good news is, if necessary, Kirk can hack into the league website and change all the scores to propel us into the playoffs.  Unfortunately, he can also hack into this website, changing anything I write.  KIRK IS THE GREATEST- Kirk.

"Mean" Joe Ford- This year Mean Joe looks to branch out and bring his usual brand of intensity and dedication from the volleyball courts to the softball diamond.  Or at least that is his claim.  In reality, his only reason for joining the team is to further recruit for V-ball, as his goal is to have at least 3 teams this year, despite the struggles to get enough players to show up for even one team.  Hopefully, we'll get to hear at least one "COME ON, JOEY," and get to watch Mean Joe jump around as if he were a baby kangaroo (aka a joey).

COME ON, JOEY

Bob "That Mento Kid"- For some people, TRx sports are like heroin, and Bob's now got the monkey on his back, after getting his first taste from the inaugural flag football team.  As Dempsey says, "That Mento kid, he's a player."  For the teams sake, let's hope that unlike Big Pun, he IS a player, AND he crushes a lot.

James "English Channel"- This is one channel you won't want to change.  James made his TRx sports debut in week 1, manning the muddy marsh of first base with such skill and dexterity that a position controversy has developed between James and KB.  However, given his last name, his enthrallment with the recent Royal Wedding may not dissipate for the rest of the season.  Will KB be able to take advantage of his opportunity and wrestle back the first base position?

Ed "Smith & Wesson"- Ed has technically been on the roster for years, but has yet to show up at a game.  Rumor has it he and Tom P. worked this no-show softball job status into their contracts years ago, and no one has been willing to challenge them on it.  Ed is the muscle in their organized crime family, quick to the draw and always shooting to kill with one of the various pistols he packs on his person at all times.

Tom P.- First there was Madoff, now there is Principe...  In addition to his no-show status, Tom developed an elaborate scheme to game the system.  For the past 10 years, even when there has been no team (and even more dastardly, before he was even working at TRx), he has managed to drain the TRx well under the auspices of needing cash for new uniforms.  Somehow, this all got past Greg from Finance, who never suspected something was amiss, despite seeing invoices for Blindfolded Cricket uniforms, or even Coed- Naked Mud-wrestling uniforms... 

John- Not really a new player, but a returning player after a multi-year hiatus, the man with 1,000 nicknames ends his hibernation and makes his triumphant return to the scene of so many injury-plagued softball seasons.  Look forward to seeing a plethora of braces, headbands, and other paraphernalia adorning JR, making his joints even stiffer and causing him to run slower than he already does.  With his dual role as both TRx client and softball teammate, JR will have even more of an excuse to say "Not my fault" when things go awry.  But if he makes it through the season with all of his limbs still at least partially attached to his body, he will be a happy Johnson.

How many more braces can he wear?

Returning Players:
Terry- As last year's starting pitcher, Terry was somehow able to maintain his poise on the mound, despite David constantly saying "wait for your fielders...  hold on Terry...  wait for your fielders" or talking about getting out of an inning and taking it in the bottom.  A force both on the mound and at the plate, Terry always has a positive attitude, and with the defense behind him, that is a good thing.  Hearing about his upcoming pitching controversy, Terry turned to Malcolm Gladwell, and followed in the footsteps of this guy, claiming to have put in over 10,000 hours of practice over the off-season to become even more of a pitching expert.  Can he lead the team to the promised land?

Mike- With Terry missing the first game, Mike boldly took to the hill and pitched a fine first game of the season, beginning what may be a season-long pitching controversy.  While Terry turned to Gladwell, Mike attempted to give the team a leg up by teaming with the University of Pennsylvania towards the development of a pitching robot.  While the early results weren't that promising, hopefully this robot will be perfected by the end of the season.  It will be even better if it doesn't count as an actual player on the field, as our defense can use all the extra players we can get.

Brian- Brian the remains the Brains behind the TRx operation.  Slowly working his way through each department within the company, this year he hopes to play every position on the softball team as well.  Soon, he will combine this vast array of information to take over the world, or at the very least, the softball league.  He will then create a new and improved SMQ score (Softball Metric of Quality), showing TRx as the best team in the league, and awarding us the mythical national championship of softball. 

Old Demps- The crafty lefty returns this year as on-the-field manager.  In addition, he will continue to take kickbacks from the Iron Abbey and urge the team to go there both before and after games, (or even during games on the rare occasions when we have more than enough players).  A former track star, even his advancing old age hasn't been able to slow him down.  Old Demps keeps himself physically fit and mentally strong during games by smoking cigarettes while in the outfield, and sometimes while at the plate as well (substituting Twizzlers when necessary).  So when people say Old Demps is just blowing smoke, they are usually speaking both literally, and figuratively.

Aaron- During the off-season, Aaron went on a world-wide vision quest in an attempt to one-up his brother Moses' parting of the Red Sea.  This year he was successful in his attempt to make the Bering Straight crooked, but didn't foresee the dramatic consequences his mystical water-based miracles would have on Japan and the rest of the world.  This season, Aaron plans to use these powers for good, to the tune of controlling the weather during games.  Whether/weather it be making in rain (not in the Pacman Jones sense, which will be disappointing to Kevin) to help protect a lead, or causing swirling winds to guide the ball into the gloves of the TRx outfield, Aaron will be in control.

Steve-  While Steve continues to sing his own praises over his lengthy division III baseball career, you do not want to get on his bad side.  Following in Manny's footsteps, Steve underwent anger management courses during the off-season after getting thrown out of a game last year due to the exchange of pleasantries with one of the umpires.  Steve has come back a new man, as he awaits the day when his son, famous for starting "LET'S GO, DADDY" chants (presumably for Steve, but maybe he just really likes the Danica Patrick GoDaddy.com commercials), will be old enough to join the team.  

Kristin- Recently engaged, Kristin is dedicating this season to her future husband.  In fact, she has vowed to wear her engagement ring during games, and use it to distract the opposing team- either by reflecting the sun into their eyes while the ball is in play, or by just punching them in the face.  If all else fails, Kristen is also owner of one of TRx's mascots, Chloe, and also has plans to unleash the hounds while TRx is up to bat, hoping the beast will run out onto the field, grab the ball, and just keep going. 

Christin- Christin continued to have a full schedule in the off-season, pursuing her musical career (providing motivation for Night Ranger and their hit song Sister Christin and collaborating with Kristen as the white female version of Chris Kross) and continuing to hone her excellent footwork due to all the kick saves she made as catcher last year (touring with the U.S. soccer team after the World Cup and guiding the Flyers to the second round of the playoffs).  She also continues to recruit more people with slightly different spelling variations of Christin/Kristen/Krysten to join the team.  In addition to Kristen, Christin also has a dog or two in the fight for TRx team mascot, namely, her dogs Sophie and Oliver.  Shockingly, in the recently released results from Forbes America's favorite mascot contest, these two beasts, as well as Chloe and Parker were shut out of the competition.  This, as well as TRx missing the playoffs, are two grievous injustices that must be remedied this year.     

Shannon "The Cannon"- Shannon hopes to Sheppard the team through any tough times this season.  Nicknamed for both her strong arm in the field, and her collection of war memorabilia, Shannon shows a level of determination so intense it is only rivaled by GLG's desire to have his bulbous head stop growing.  An ardent student of Sun Tzu's Art of War, Shannon typically has multiple weapons on her as she runs the bases, including a shiv stolen from Krysta last year, and she is not afraid to use them.  Shannon also continues a tradition started by Ana years ago, of spewing profanity while up at the plate.  But it's always good to use your words...

TO- After hearing about the umpire feud of last year, TO followed in the footsteps of Loomis, and began MMA training in the off-season.  Hopefully, he will attend on of the games wearing his gi (not that there's anything wrong with that), to strike fear into the hearts of our opponents.  With his new-found connections to the underbelly of modern MMA training, TO has developed a nice little side job, which unfortunately led to the downfall of TRx in their first game of the season (as well as the downfall of Golden's shirt).  Hopefully, TO isn't also using said substances, as it could result in an unfortunate battle between him and Bear...

Why is TO fighting Bear?

Josh- This man has a penchant for showing blatant disregard for cutoff men, and third base coaches.  While his method of making himself look good in the outfield by purposely running in before running back out may not always be effective, it certainly looks good, and strikes fears in the hearts of both his teammates and opponents alike.  One of the fastest guys on the team, he isn't afraid of "trucking" someone if they get in his way.  Opposing fielders beware, not even Ice Roads can stop the Ice Road Trucker.  A musical mastermind, Josh also has been known to brings the classic funky beats, even if they are only in his own head while he mans the outfield... 

GLG- GLG, already a feather, became a father during the off-season.  So look forward to him answering every time Steve's kids yell out "Come on, Daddy."  He also loves it when you call him Big Poppa.  GLG looks to set the career world record for his patented over the shoulder catches this season, which are made even better when he throws off his hat as well.  In addition to his softball duties, GLG has vowed to protect his family from all enemies, including zombies. With the softball team a surrogate family for him, we are all invited there for the apocalypse as well. Oh yeah...  he's also got a bulbous head (that sometimes bobbles), and three heads are better than one...

KB- Responsible for write-ups, some of which lead to umpire feuds, KB spent the off-season in disguise as he feared reprisal.  While disguised as Ron Jeremy, he helped Batman fight crime, and also otherwise served the community.  While his costume led to a multitude of creeped-out stares and a large majority of the community wanted nothing to do with his services, but there was a small portion that appreciated his effort.  They always had weird music on when he arrived at their doors as well...

With Batman and Ron Jeremy, TRx can't be stopped!

With TRx already in a 0-1 hole, can they rebound to make the playoffs this year?  Will Remington make it through the season uninjured?  Will Christin run through first base when she hits the ball?  Will Steve survive the season without getting thrown out of any games?  Game on...

2011 TargetRx Softball Game 1 Recap: New Season, Same Result...

Rumor has is that the 2011 TargetRx softball season began last week, and not a moment too soon, as I was running out of semi-coherent ramblings to post.  Based on the eyewitness accounts of GLG, Brain, and the Mad Elf (hiding in the woods hoping to catch a glimpse of any players needing to use the facilities mid game), it was a game that showed the vast potential of this year's team, yet ended as so many other TRx softball games do, with the sting of defeat. 

With Terry missing in action, Mike was called upon to handle the pitching duties and filled in admirably, showing deft control and stellar range.  On one play, he fielded a slow ground ball, and took off in a mad dash towards home, sliding in just ahead of runner sprinting from third base to secure the force out.  Luckily, Mike has better body control and is more compassionate than Josh, who would have trucked whoever got in his way.

With the opening day juices flowing (more on that to come later), the bats came alive for TRx early.  GLG and Bob "The Beast" Mento fueled the barrage, each picking up multiple RBIs.  Newcomer Gabriela, was pivotal to this onslaught, demonstrating TRx's willingness to do whatever it took, as during her first at-bat she fired the bat back towards the the Simplex catchers head.  If not for the gravitational pull of Greg's bulbous dome slightly decreasing the force of the bat, death was the likely outcome.  After surviving this initial attempted assault, on subsequent at-bats, both the catcher and ump wisely moved behind the fence to cower in fear and hold each other.

The TRx defense was strong in holding the early lead.  GLG almost had another of his patented over the shoulder catches in short left field, and later made a poor man's version on a ball hit to short right-center.  Aaron and Josh locked down left field, playing with reckless abandon.  James made his debut at first base, contending with swamp-like field conditions.  Luckily, he avoided attack from SyFy's latest hybrid-mutant creation, Croc-adillo-shark.

Coming soon to SyFy (or whatever that channel is named now)

Facing a 10-3 deficit and staring defeat in the face, Simplex's meathead manager quickly trotted off into the woods, while seemingly carrying two invisible tires.  As he emerged a short while later, with a big smile on his face, Simplex huddled in anticipation, and the Big Meat began to distribute their secret weapon- what he was surreptitiously referring to as OJ Simpson.  As each member began injecting The Juice into themselves (which sounds a lot like what is happening with him in jail), Big Meat quickly grabbed the needle out of his son's hands just before he was able to push the plunger.  Big Meat yelled "I didn't pay all that money for my son's education just to have you ump yourself full of roids!" as he then plunged the second needle into his neck.  Who ever would have thought the School of Hard Knocks cost so much...

When you have the opportunity to include a picture of The Juice, you HAVE to take it

Seconds after this occurred, a shady-looking TO stealthily emerged from the shadows, with a fresh wad of cash in hand, winking at Big Meat.  Coincidence?  I think not...  For TO, working in the pharma industry certainly has its perks.  In fact, TO's business sense and willingness to sell out his team for some short term profits seems like a fitting strategy for TargetRx.  I guess this backstory is better than if Big Meat were visiting the Mad Elf in the woods, especially with the smile on his face as he emerged...

As the juice began to kick in, the Simplex bats simply connected with ever pitch coming in.  Given only one girl on the Simplex team (there may have been another one earlier, but after all the testosterone masking agents and a few surgical procedures later, that switch was proverbially flipped a long time ago), TRx only needed to get two outs before the mandatory missing-girl third out would seal the victory.  Alas, it was not meant to be.  Simplex peppered the field and quickly overcame the 10-3 deficit, to win 11-10. 

After the game, Old Demps immediately ordered a mandatory "angry hour" at the Iron Abbey.  However, TO was the only one to show, willing to drink his profits away from his illicit deal with Big Meat, as ever one else quickly dispersed to not get caught in any roid-fueled retaliation for Gabriela's earlier assaults (or Dempsey profanity-laced tirades).

Next game is May 2nd at 5:15, where TRx will take on "Benedict" Krysta and Kellogg. 

Stay tuned for an official season preview.

Dez Bryant - New Candidate For Asshole Of The Year

Dez Bryant has had quite the past few weeks.  First this stupid motherfucker gets in trouble at the NorthPark Center mall.  Who even goes to the mall these days? I'll tell you who- 8th graders, and people looking to pick up 8th graders. Reports say that either Dez or members of his crew were approached by police due to their low-hanging pants. So as the General Larry Platt would say, Dez Bryant was looking like a fool with his pants on the ground... In fact, this will probably be him in 40 years after his NFL career ends, he spends all his money, and with no other discernible skills has to resort to thinking back on his idiocy from this year.

Gotta love an NFL player using profanity and creating a commotion in a public place. The best part about this story is it isn't even his first time getting in trouble at this mall! His other incidents include police intervention after he cut in line at a store (probably due to his excitement over buying more pants he can sag), a parking citation for parking in a fire lane (he didn't want to be too far from the entrance, as he was afraid he would trip over his pants while they were on the ground), and a "major disturbance" at one of the restaurants in the mall (another pants malfunction?). A real top-notch individual... If it looks like an asshole and acts like an asshole, it's probably an asshole.

It actually makes sense that Dez doesn't have pants that fit- he has probably spent all his NFL money (and whatever money he was given under the table while at Oklahoma State) on needless jewelry, despite knowing about the need to save money due to the upcoming NFL lockout. In fact, he is now facing not one, but TWO lawsuits for a combined $846,000 over money owed due to jewelry purchases, tickets to sporting events, and personal loans.  Among the jewelry purchases- a custom diamond engagement ring.  To my knowledge, Bryant is neither engaged nor married, although he does have two children with two different mothers, so he's got that going for him, which is nice.  On top of that, he has also faced legal action in Oklahoma over failure to pay rent while at Oklahoma State. 

Dez Bryant, for all of these reasons (and probably numerous others which haven't come to light yet), you are the latest candidate for Asshole Of The Year.  Congratulations.  At least you will always have this endorsement opportunity...