2007 Softball Preview

With softball season upon us, excitement is in the air. In fact, the buzz on the street has it that this may be the most exciting softball season for TargetRx ever! When asked to comment, former employee Manuel Noriega proclaimed "I haven't been this exciting since I left TargetRx!" Orr-piece was heard proclaiming "I wish I never left the company. This is the best thing to happen to the company since the launch of Brand Navigator." Greg could only compare the start of softball season to the joy he felt in his heart when the Pharma-Exec article came out in March. Numbskull manager Mike Berardi even managed to secure an interview with Liberty Softball Weekly, although when asked by the sprightly young female reporter how playing with this team compared to playing with his wife and kids, Berardi slyly removed his wedding ring, got a creepy smile on his face, and said "What wife and kids?" as he winked at the young lass.

Despite starting the year without former mainstays such as Manny, Orr, and Meg, the team still returns with a lot of stars, and some fresh new blood. What follows is an in-depth player by player preview of the returning team as well as the new editions:

Mike "The Mad Elf" aka "B-Rad" Berardi, Manager, OF, #9:
Even though no one thought he would last this long at TRx (because he is almost a senior citizen, and because no one knows what he actually does here), Berardi returns as manager/coach this year. Last year, despite hitting .500, B-Rad began to show signs of his age (estimated to be somewhere between 50 and 75), as he slumped in the playoffs, ending the season 1-5 and being demoted to 7th in the lineup in the final game. This year, fresh of a new conditioning program (which involved chasing young boys around, as well as making a fool of himself in limited action on the TRx Basketball Team), B-Rad hopes to continue to show off his legs by wearing the shortest shorts on the team and running wildly around the bases. Despite many miscues in the outfield and on the basepaths, with the departure of Orr, B-Rad is the top run-scorer returning this year, and still has the speed to run out doubles, triples, and HRs. However, after his first game in the outfield, there will likely be a team mutiny, and hopefully the Elf will be relegated to far right field, where his opportunities to do his patented throw while spinning, or from the ground, or just let the ball past moves will be limited. Penciled in at the top of the lineup, the Elf knows how to get on base, as he was also 2nd on the team in walks last year (getting to second or third base... that's another story). If the Elf plays like the youngsters he is usually trying to lure into his van with candy, TRx has a good shot at making the playoffs again, and maybe actually winning a playoff game.

John "Junior" aka "Young Johnson" aka "Bear" aka "Peanut" aka "Batman", P, #11:
After suffering a debilitating knee injury mid-game two years ago, JR rehabbed nicely to make a solid comeback in 2006, batting .560 and leading the team in RBIs with 20 in the heart of the lineup. JR managed to maintain his high average despite a relative lack of speed and an inclination to swing early in the count. However, when on the field of play, his style is impeccable, and while his defense is sometimes pregnable, he can always be seen sporting a heavy knee brace, and at least 3 t-shirts and 6 headbands (even if he is deep in hibernation). JR platooned between pitching, 2nd base, and the outfield, and while his range at 2nd is also limited, after three years together, the SS-2B-1B (GLG, JR, and KB) double-play combination is still one of the finest in the land. This year opposing teams will attempt to lure Bear into mistakes by coming to the games with lots of honey. TRx also hopes that JR doesn't make the full transformation into Peanut, with his cane and monocle, which would slow him down even more, although the monocle might help his eye at the plate. However, as last year TRx suffered a loss due to time and darkness constraints, this year, they already have the bat signal ready, knowing that Batman will answer the call and lead them to victory under the cover of darkness.

Greg "GLG" aka "G-Leg" aka "Bulbous Head", SS, #31:
GLG had an up-and-down year at the plate last year for TRx, finished with a batting average of .470, while occasionally showing off the power that comes with his natural physique, belting three homeruns, driving in 15 runs (2nd most on the team), and scoring 15 runs. GLG stroked it a lot during the off-season, and hopefully this extra training will help him recover his sweet swing. However, as starting shortstop, his defense was once again spectacular, with Greg looking like a younger, whiter, Ozzie Smith. Granted, his large head helps knock down some of the balls flying at his face, but the poise he showed proves that no matter how many balls are in his face, he still has what it takes to get the job done. Some believe that Greg is actually in charge of the team, and is running a puppet regime through Berardi, as GLG was seen frequently making the lineup and setting up the defense last year while Berardi, in an act of strategy, stared and drooled at the females on the opposing team (and sometimes our team) in an attempt to get in their heads (and pants).

Chris "The Golden Child" aka "Hit King" Golden, 3B, #5:
Golden stepped in for the departed Prigge at the hot corner last year, and did not disappoint. Dubbing himself the "Hit King," he batted .543 while also showing off his power, with three homeruns. However, due to Berardi's idiocy, and his desire to try to steal the Hit King's Queen (or Princess, or illegitimate children), Golden was typically down towards the bottom of the order, and therefore had limited chances to drive in runs, as all three of his homeruns were with no one on base. Golden's defense also improved throughout the year, as the gun to first was usually on target (although sometimes that target was squirrels running around in the woods, causing Golden to throw the ball 15 feet over Buonocore's head). Armed with a new glove this year, TRx will need Golden's hands even more, as they will be relying on their defense to keep them in games. Always a fan favorite, there has been discussion on the TRx Softball Message Board of changing the team name from TargetRx to The Golden Team (pun intended).

Blin "Tripod" aka "Blindian", P/2B/OF, #80 (yard punt):
Blin was also a newcomer last year, platooning between pitcher, second base, and the outfield. Using his patented Tripod method of attack, Blin actually picked up the team's first win last season. At the plate, Blin finished with a .540 batting average, but also suffered from Berardi's ignorance. However, perhaps Blin's most memorable play came on the basepaths, as on one mad dash around the bases, where the opposing team pretty much had the ball in the pitchers hands. Despite pleas from the third base coach to hold up at third, Blin just kept on running, with a big ridiculous smile on his face, as the momentum of the tripod was too much to overcome, and he was quickly thrown out at home, ending a potential TRx rally. This year TRx hopes Blin will continue to carry a big stick, and unleash the power of the Tripod. At the team's first practice this year, Blin was once again involved in an incident, where a ball batted by Berardi bounced brutally, breaking Blin's bifocals belligerently. Luckily, Blin managed to somewhat slow the ball down with the tripod, and suffered only a small cut above his eye. However, it then took the team a good 15 minutes before Dempsey diligently discovered the spectacles.

Ana "T-Bone" aka "AT", C/2B/OF, #5:
Ana excelled as the star female player on the team last year, batted .273, and driving in more runs than Orr, Blin, and KB. She turned it up another notch in the second half of the season after seeing GLGs natural physique. She also used her womanly charms on the hope plate umpire (Teen Wolf's dad) to try to influence the calls in favor of TargetRx. One of the more competitive players on the team, Ana typically lets the expletives fly, especially when there are children around. Showing off her multi-sport skills, she has been known to kick the ball back to the mound instead of throwing it. Hopefully, that fancy footwork will be useful on the basepaths (or at least be useful in running away from Berardi), if Ana actually decides to come to games this year.

Tom "I've got INSERT TO'S SALARY HERE reasons to live" O aka "TO", 2B, OF, #49:
Tom joined the team mid-year and became a mainstay, platooning between second base and the outfield and finishing with a batting average of .500. He was penciled in earlier in the season, but scandal brewed, as he was taken to the hospital after an apparent overdose, as his addiction to the Seafood Factory was out of control like cancer. Later, at a press conference, TO insinuated he had many reasons to life, and if anyone knows how much he makes, that's how many reasons he has.

Ken "Bone Crusher" aka "K-Bizzle" aka "KB" , 1B, #00:
In the duel role of team scribe and first baseman, KB excelled at the plate last year, leading the team in batting average (.677). Yet again due to captain Elf's stupidity, was put at the 8th spot in the lineup, and thereby finished with only 2 RBI's and 4 runs scored, as he had neither big guns to get on base ahead of him, or to drive him in after reaching base. KB was also in the running for fastest player on the team, but the scheduled race between him and Meg fell through, as JR's brainchild, the Campout for Thirst, was canceled. This season, many questions surround Buonocore, as he had many trips to rehab in the off-season (mostly for a broken ankle, with a few other addiction trips thrown in for good measure). KB can also be recognized by his loud, boisterous comments during the game, and his yellow Miller Lite doo-rag atop his head while on the field, and this year, he will also be doing his Remington impression, wearing a bulky ankle brace for the support he needs.

Kim "Ms. Philadelphia" aka "The Guy from PBS Is Not My Dad", C/2B, #15:
Recently crowned Ms Philadelphia, this year Kim aims to prove that she's got both beauty and brawn. A late addition to the team last year, Kim's participation was limited. However, after intense off-season training, and some batting tips at the first practice, Kim has been stroking the ball nicely, and hopes to continue her progress and develop into the player we all know she can be. Plus, in games where she catches, she'll have the prime opportunity to distract the opposition, although most likely Berardi will be more distracted than the other team, leading to even more errors...

Lori "Get the Elf Away From Me" aka "LD", C/2B/OF, #17:
Lori returns this year hoping to continue on a hot second half of last season. While batting towards the end of the lineup, Lori came up clutch many times with runners on base, finished with 4 RBIs for the season (more than Ana, Blin, KB, Orr, TL, and TO). Hopefully this newfound confidence will further blossom and lead the team to even more victories this year.

Shannon "The Cannon" , C/2B/OF, #6:
Shannon's most famous moment last year came during TRx's last playoff game last year. According to transcripts from the write-up, here is what happened: "Trailing 11-5, TRx had hopes for a big 4th inning, with stars KB and AT coming up to bat. As usual, KB got on base, but the key play of the inning, and perhaps the game came was Shannon was up. After making solid contact on a ground ball to the left side, she was showing off her speed (while looking for an invite to participate in the great Ken-Meg race to be held at some point). The throw to first was obviously going to be late, yet in an underhanded, devious play, the first baseman straddled the base, and threw a vicious hip check into Shannon, to the horror of her teammates. As Shannon sprawled through the air, seemingly in slow motion, a horrific gasp came from the crowd. Their first baseman then went over to her, and began kicking her while she was down, as well as spitting on her. Blood was splattered everywhere in a shocking scene. Berardi, who had a bird's eye view of the scene as first base coach, quickly ran to the fracas. Yet instead of attempted to help Shannon, all he was interested in was intercepting the spit, as it got all over his face, as he smiled and rubbed it in. It was a very creepy scene, but standard B-Rad procedure, as he does have some kind of operation... Unlike last year's similar collision incident, where fan favorite Jeff Kohl almost tried to fight a girl, Shannon took this malicious attack in stride, with nary a complaint."

Tom "The Better Looking Greg" L, OF, #2:
With TargetRx in need of players last year, Tom answered the call of the team, joining as a ringer. Wearing the jersey of Loomis, and looking like Greg (except with a smaller head), Greg's cousin stepped in and played solidly in both the outfield and at the plate. Plus, with a head many sizes smaller than Greg, he also had the speed and quickness to reach almost any ball. One of the more emotional players on the team, Tom didn't always see eye-to-eye with the Elf, as in the few occasions where B-rad played center, he almost always got in the way of the better and more experienced Tom. This year, with the Elf hopefully realizing his limitations, Tom will exceed the high expectations set for him in his first full season with the club, or, more likely, will kill the Elf in a fit of rage in the outfield. The team is still unsure which would be the better outcome.

This year, the team also welcomes the following new players:

Sean "Ol Demps", #21:
TRx brings in some new "Ol" blood this year, with the crafty veteran Sean. Ol Demps hopes to impart his years of wisdom onto the team, stemming from his years of experience at many happy hours, both TRx and otherwise. Demps hopes he still has the stamina from his younger days at a track athlete and long-distance runner. In fact, he once ran with Jesse Owens (potentially related to Michael Owens due to both of their brisk walking paces). Hopefully, Berardi will learn something from him. Demps has already made a significant contribution to the team, finding Blin's glasses at the first practice after the rest of the idiots blindly meandered around the field for 15 minutes.

Andy "Rainmaker" , #16:
It remains to be seen if Andy will be available for games this season, as the Rainmaker is still under investigation for "making it rain" along with Pacman Jones in Vegas during the NBA All-Star game. However, the rest of the team hopes he will be available, at least for the post-Seafood Factory trips to such elegant and high-class establishments like Double Visions. In addition to making it rain in those types of establishments, Andy also made it rain in the outfield of the first practice, spraying hits to all fields. In a private team meeting, the majority of TRx voted that if the cops come after Andy, we're giving up Berardi in his place, figuring he's got enough skeletons in his closet to keep them occupied for a long, long time...

"Big" Bill "BB" , #71:
Big Billiam is a veteran of TRx athletics, having played an integral part on the basketball team. Bill is known for his rough and tumble demeanor, and his reputation of getting down and dirty when the gloves come off, after leading the team in foul-outs. A versatile individual with cat-like reflexes, and the speed of a mongoose (a dead mongoose), it will be tough to find a position for Bill that is close enough to the dugout that he won't be too tired to play after running out there. However, at the plate he will stand tall, and carry a big stick, and hopefully generate the momentum with his bat that will propel the ball far enough that he can just take a leisurely stroll around the bases.

Jim "The Killer", #8:
Jim made the mistake of showing up to a happy hour late enough that a drunk Greg harassed him about joining the softball team until he submitted. Initially, the question was whether he would actually show up to games, as his NPD responsibilities of managing Ying's Wang may have proved too much to skirt. Although, perhaps he is on the same page as everyone else in the company, and has no idea what goes on in NPD, meaning no one would miss him if he does show. With no definitive position, Colizzo may platoon between the infield and outfield, but he can't be any worse than Berardi in the field, and will likely be better than the Elf at the plate as well. After the first practice, Jim displayed a cannon of an arm, and should fit in nicely wherever he is placed in the field. At bat, he also showed off his prowess, but perhaps went a little too far, as in an effort to be hip, The Killer popped out his hip on a swing, and remains day-to-day as the season nears.

Doug "Can't We All Just Get A-" Long, #18:
After much bickering at the end of last years infamous flameout in the playoffs, all Greg could say was "Can't we all just get along," in an effort to stop the finger-pointing. However, Berardi misheard him, and thought he said "Can't we all just get a Long," and went out and recruiting Marketing extraordinaire Doug Long. It remains to be seen how B-rad plans on using Doug, as the Elf typically likens himself a softball mastermind, yet most of his decisions usually suck...

Mike "King Kong" , #33:
Kerk is also a veteran TRx athlete, having proved himself a worthy warrior on the basketball court. After the first practice, it was apparent he is equally adept on the diamond, rocking line drive after line drive into the outfield. Hopefully, Kerkering will help make up for the losses of some of last years players, and if not, King Kong can also kidnap the opposing teams best player and climb atop the empire state building with him/her.

Lauren McD, #7:
Lauren makes her TRx softball debut this year. Given her experience in many other physical sports, high hopes have been placed on her. In fact, rumor has it instead of using a bat, she may attempt to swing using either a hockey or lacrosse stick. Hopefully, she will run the bases with these potential weapons as well, scaring the other team into letting her score each time she puts the ball in play.

Team Superfans

Dana "DY", #68:
Dana has been a loyal fan of all teams TargetRx for many years now, taking on the role of team mom. However, given her relationship with GLG, no more references to "Team Mom" will be put in play, as the incestuous undertones would be too much for even the Elf to bare... As a loyal fan, Dana frequently provides the team with Gatorade, however, she has yet to figure out how to spike these tasty refreshments with alcohol, to make for an even more entertaining game.

Samantha, #23:
While Dana provides the beverages, Sam will be looked upon to provide pregame meals this year. After one of her more infamous meals last year, the following was heard from the team, and they showered her with softballs after such a horrid meal:
That Sam-I-am!
We do not like that Sam-I-am!
Do you like green eggs and ham?
We do not like them, Sam-I-am.
We do not like green eggs and ham.
We hate you Sam-I-am!

The schedule is attached, as well as the statistics for last years team. This year, TRx has invested in an official scorekeeper, Christine, so hopefully we will no longer be subject to the Elf trying to change any time he reaches base on an error to a hit. Please come out and support the team this year, if not for the game itself, than for the many pre- and post-game happy hours that are sure to occur.