TRx Softball Game 4 Recap: If A 'Logue Falls In Horsham, Does It Make A Sound?

On Friday (Friday) night, TRx took on their office nemesis Verilogue in a game for the ages.  With ESPN 27 broadcasting live to Equitorial Guinea (where there is a surprising paucity of guineas/Italians), the fans showed up en masse for this game.  Or at least Gabriela's boyfriend represented for TRx, while various other people with nothing better to do were there, presumably from Verilogue, though perhaps they were there just to see the man, the myth, the legend, infamous bi-cyclist, as well as bicyclist, Jamison.

After last year's close 6-5 TRx victory, which resulted in Verilogue being banned from use of all indoor bathrooms in 220 Gibraltar, Verilogue was pumped for this game.  The dick-tionary defines Verilogue as "verified log," or at least that's what their team claimed to be, after having to hold it in their own office all year.  In fact, Philadelphia Phillie Pete Orr's brother Ryan claimed going into the game that he was willing to get his log verified by any means necessary (thank God Berardi is no longer here).  Yet their claims would prove to be false during this contest, as except for a first inning rally while TRx missed their usual position players, the only logs coming from Verilogue were either flaccid during the rest of the game, or were left steaming behind home plate.  Meanwhile, TRx had been preparing for this game all day long, which resulted in an impromptu individualized rendition of the instant classic, Friday (see the full TRx lyrics here).

With TRx as the home team, Verilogue approached the plate first, despite missing their fearless (or fearful) leader Koz.  Apparently, he was still searching for Duke on his NCAA bracket, as he recently heard that that Grant Hill kid is a player.  Or he was just scared that KB would batter him with line drives just out of his reach once again.  Hey, he's not CEO, president, and co-founder for nothing...  plus he had just gotten a new shipment of M&M's in.  But he knew his team was in good hands, with Orr and a juiced Jamison representing.

My best chance to make money is to bet on myself to not show up to the game!

With KB, TO, and Steve showing up late after running into some 12 year old tough girls who wouldn't give up their candy (no really, we promise it was just candy we wanted), TRx was forced into scrambling for a defensive lineup in the first inning.  Natural EH Demps was forced into right field, while Bob had to man first base without the usual glove he uses. These placements would come back to haunt TRx, as Old Demps missed a fly ball in the outfield, and Bob heard the footsteps at first, dropping what could have been the third out as one of the woman from Verilogue (sorry woman, I forgot your name) tried to prove herself as the true owner of Josh's nickname and completely TRUCKED Bob, who dropped the ball while being thrown 25 feet from the base.  Verilogue jumped out to a quick 4-0 lead, but you know what they say about counting your logs before they fall in a forest with no one around to hear them...

Luckily, the three TRx stalwards showed up with only minimal damage being done.  Steve risked life, limb, and the chance to sleep on his front lawn (in addition to the permanent possibility that he would get thrown out of the game), while TO emerged from the woods willing to help TRx instead of the other team with his illicit substances he usually sells.  After Steve and TO showed up, KB finally arrived during the bottom of the first, as TRx tried to get back into the game.  Apparently, Koz convinced his usual M&M delivery truck to unleash the fury, and let a massive quantity of M&Ms flow out of his usual delivery truck onto the PA Turnpike, causing traffic problems for KB.  However, once he finally arrived, the TRx defense settled down, as Craig and GLG made terrific plays on the left side to made sure the Verilogue lead-off hitter would not reach base easily.

TRx slowly began to chip away from the deficit (as GLG said "awwww, chippin away"), scoring in the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th innings to cut the lead to 4-3.  In the meantime, the TRx defense was en fuego, as they equaled the number of double plays they had turned to date, with three in this game.  Aaron made a catch on the run in the outfield to double someone off first, and GLG continued to be a beast, using the gravitational pull of his bulbous head to pull every ball closer to him, allowing him to gobble up everything that came near him, step on 2nd, and fire to first.  Even Gabriela got involved, sacraficing her leg on one relay in from the outfield to prevent the runners on first and second from advancing.

Facing an enormous 4-3 deficit, the TRx bats lit up in the bottom of the 5th.  Steve reached on a double, with KB quickly knocking him home to tie the game, and later scored the go-ahead run.  The top of the order then ran off a barrage of hits, including a GLG home run, as TRx scored five in the inning to take a commanding 8-4 lead.

In the top of the 6th, Lance Armstrong's latest pupil/guinea pig and presumed steroid user Jamison came up to bat.  Earlier in the game he hit a solid shot deep in the hole, but JB knew he was playing the long con, and make sure he was thrown out, convincing TRx of his lack of speed.  Despite his numerous acrobatic plays at first, TRx continued to not have faith in JB for the rest of the game.  However, during that final at bat, after a mighty hack, Jamison started motoring around the bases.  Time seemed to stand still for a while, as the time it took him to go from base to base kept increasingly exponentially.  The 8 seconds it took him to reach first turned into 64 to reach second, 512 seconds to reach 3rd, and a full 4,096 seconds to reach home.  In fact, despite how far he hit the ball (being the one time it seemed like someone used a verified log), he was still almost tagged out at home, and would have been if not for KB hearing the footsteps for a full minute and 8 seconds before finally bailing out in fear of being trucked.  After such an expenditure of energy, Jamison passed out next to the bench for at least the next 30 minutes.  In fact, there is a good chance he may still be there, as he certainly didn't come to the happy hour after the game...  I get the Giro d'Horsham must have been going on...

With TRx holding a 8-5 lead, a random local asian genleman named Blin walked passed (before jumping on the Chinatown bus to go to his late-night job in AC) during the bottom of the 6th, offering insurance (runs) to TRx.  Despite the fact that TRx had a prime scoring opportunity of Gabriela, Steve, and KB coming up, instead of hitting an 8 versus a 5, Old Demps decided to stay, putting TRx in the precarious position of having to hold a 3 run lead going into the 7th.

With the game on the line, Terry gave up a quick basehit before answering back with a huge strikeout.  A hit and an out later, Verilogue had men on second and third, trailing by three with the always dangerous Orr up.  As his former roommate, KB tried to contort his body into looking like the bearclaw bathtub Orr used to own, but without Remington (Bear) there, he was unsuccessful.  Orr rocked a basehit up the middle, cutting hte deficit to 8-7.  On the relay home, GLG quickly tried his lesser know signature move of the "backdoor charlie/drunken slip" (which is actually how he got his wife to marry him) to sneak the ball past Orr when he wasn't looking at first, but just missed him.  Yet despite GLG's failed backdoor slip attempt, TRx quickly got the third out, pulling out the 8-7 victory.

The victory brings TRx to 3-1, and 2-0 lifetime versus Verilogue.  However, Orr once again made TRx submit, as using his devil's logic he proved that Verilogue will always be on top of TRx.  All of this despite where the wasteful, unnecessary staircase used to be...  But some of us will always have the "April 2005- We Did It" shirts, and that's the kind of thing that makes it all worth it...

Who's house? RUN'S HOUSE!!!

TRx Game 4 Inspiration: This Is The Remix... Of... Friday?

In a game TRx was looking forward to all year, TRx was fired up from the time they woke up.  In fact, unknowingly, they each individually broke out into song as the afternoon wore on while Josh laid down the classic party beats (to the much better Stephen Colbert version, not the original Rebecca Black version- not that there is anything wrong with Blacks... especially Leon...):

(GLG) 4:45 PM, getting ready for softball
Gotta be fresh, gotta go change in the bathroom
Gotta have my water, gotta have gatorade
Seein’ 'loguers descend the stairs, the time is goin’
Tickin’ on and on, everybody’s rushin’
Gotta get down to the fi-eld
Gotta beat the traffic, I see their cars 

(Christin & Kristin) Sittin' on the bleachers,
Sittin’ on the bench
Gotta make my mind up
Which position shall I play?

(Gabriela) It’s Friday, Friday
Gotta play Verilogue on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to happy hour (happy hour)
Friday, Friday
Playing Verilogue on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to happy hour

(Bob) Softballin’, Softballin’ (Yeah)
Softballin’, Softballin’ (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin’ forward to happy hour

(KB) So chillin’ with our team (With our team)
Playing their team (Playing their team)
We're fielding, batting (Yeah, yeah)
Making plays, scorin' runs,
Wit’ a EH on our side (Woo!)
(Almot) Passin’ by is  runner
Iin front of me
Makes teammates, teammates, wanna scream
Check my time, it’s Friday, it’s a weekend
We gonna have fuuuuuuunnn....

(both TO's) Two days ago was Weiser, Weiser

Today i-is Verilogue, Verilogue
We-we-we so excited
We so excited

We gonna play softball today

(Craig) Next game is Reed (Reed)

And Softeerware comes after...wards

I don’t want this season to end

(Aaron) Friday, playing softball on Friday
Looking forward to the game, you know it's Verilogue
Friday, Friday
Playing softball on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to happy hour

(Old Demps) Softballin’, Softballin’ (Yeah)
Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin’ forward to happy hour...

(Steve- as the crowd does it's "Daddy" chant):
Friday, playing softball on Friday
Looking forward to the game, you know it's Verilogue
Friday, Friday
Playing softball on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to happy hour
Softballin’, Softballin’ (Yeah)
Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin’ forward to happy hour... 

***********************
Just wait until GLG produces the video...

TRx Softball Game 3- Weiser Makes Unwise Decision To Show Up

On Wednesday night, TRx took on their new buds, Weiser. And Weiser played about as well as the Budweiser talking frogs drunk off of the very product they were promoting would have, as TRx showed up for a softball game and a track meet broke out, giving all the running they did on the bases.  TRx managed to eke out thrilling (for us) 19-2 victory. It was as if Weiser brought a knife to a gunfight/a pen to a test.

After much initial confusion on who would actually be at the game and even more potential lineup configurations than usual, TRx fielded a full team of 13 and welcomed the season debuts of Ed and Young Johnson. Dempsey also put some members of the team like GLG on notice that he was not happy with their hitting performance, dropping them in the lineup. That’s one way from letting Greg’s bulbous head get any bigger than it already is. Once again, KB got their early to scout, only to find a father-daughter combo practicing on the field. Surprisingly, it was not GLG putting his daughter into early softball training.  Though despite only being able to crawl, sadly, she still could have helped Weiser.

As the home team, TRx was up first. After hits consecutive hits to start the game, Aaron smacked a line drive to the towards the hole. Immediately Old Demps knew he’d have to show off his track-star speed to beat a play at second, and took off, arriving at the base in the amount of time it takes Greg from finance to cook the books every quarter. However, all of the earlier lineup confusion was still messing with his mind, as he ran back to first base instead of attempting to advance.  Luckily, this mistake didn't cost TRx too badly, as they still managed two runs out of the inning to take an early lead.

With Christin missing in action to start the game, much to her chagrin, Gabriela was forced into catching duty. While she wasn’t happy about it, we all can agree that it was much better than catching doodie (at least I hope we can). This forced Bob to play second where he immediately got some action. The first batter his a line drive past a diving KB, who was attempting to imitate the down and dirty ways of the near-invisible man from last week. Next came a pop up to the right side, causing a near collision between Bob and Terry. On the following play, Bob had to do his Stretch Armstrong impression to just get the ball in time for a force at second. Soon after, Christin showed up, as Gabriella rejoiced and all was right in the TRx softball world again.

TRx started off the second inning with a flourish. A former high school football fan in Florida, Ed was seen with large wads of cash before the game, consorting with the illicit type that like to watch strangers play softball. No one knew which team he had bet on, and all eyes were on him as he strode to the plate. The answer was readily apparent as he hit an “Oppo Boppo” opposite field home run, starting off his TRx softball career in style. TRx added four more runs to take a 7-0 lead.

In the next inning, Weiser finally got on the board. With Craig at EH (along with Aaron and Old Demps), Brian knew he had all the attention on him at third, and he made the most of it. On a routine pop-up to the left side, in his excitement, Brian chest-bumped the ball into his glove. Luckily, he had not gone to the gym in a few days, or else his bulging pecs would have caused the ball to richochet into the woods. Later, on a line drive he showed off his 3-inch vertical, and succeeding in performing the touch-pass to himself, as the ball bounced off his glove and into his bare hand (but not into Bear’s hand).

In the third and fourth inning, the TRx offense exploded. Hearing chants of “hit the ball to where you summer” Remington showed that 3 years without softball has allowed all of his previous injuries to heal, and hit the ball hard. Despite an injured leg, Brian continued to motor around the bases, limping home at one point. Josh hit a home run where he almost got to show off the reason for his nickname, with a near Ice Road Trucking of the opposing pitcher and catcher as he crossed the plate. In fact, he nearly got two fistfuls of man-boob, which either would have made him really happy, or really upset. GLG also had a homerun, almost running down Christin ahead of him.  Perhaps he was attempting to avenge her taking away his grand slam opportunity by hitting a solid RBI line drive to left field right before Greg was up. 

As the rest of the TRx bats started to pour it on, KB took a different approach, and decided to play small ball. He showed off his magical abilities during one at bat, taking a massive swing that resulted in a slow dribbler down the first base line. Despite him attempting to will the ball foul, once he realized the first baseman was going to catch it, he saw the perfect opportunity to practice his ballet moves, attempting to pirouette around the tag. Alas, it did not work, but he did advance the runner. Later, he again hit it to the right side to move runners up, marking the first time ever he has managed go the other way (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

Dancing, without stars

Despite nursing a 15 run lead, the fourth inning was not without drama, as Gabriela almost had to roll some heads. While running to second on a ground ball, she seemingly avoided the tag of the opposing team, whose second baseman was clearly standing in the base path, with the umpire calling her safe. Immediately, the other team started to cry. Presumable due to the perceived missed call, but it’s equally likely it was due to the pounding they were taking. With the other team mouthing off, Gabriela was ready to take the out, go back to the TRx bench, grab a baseball bat, and pretend the opposing pitcher was a catcher and throw the bat at him, but managed to restrain herself from going Hobo With A Shotgun style.

Weiser went down in order to end the game, as TRx finished off the four inning 19-2 drubbing, with everyone reaching base, and Ed winning all of his bets. TRx succeeded with both beauty and age, as the bottom of the lineup (Ed, Craig, GLG) and Old Demps had a combined age higher than the total IQ of the rest of the beautiful people. Demps gave one of his usual rousing speeches after the game, proclaiming “If it was easy it would be called soccer, and we just played a soccer game.” 

Next game is Friday versus office nemesis Verilogue, with a rumored happy hour following the game.

Bill Maher- NOT The Science Guy

Despite whatever philosophical disagreements I may have with Bill Maher, I do enjoy watching his show.  I was one of the people on his side when he got fired from ABC for saying that the terrorists were not cowards, a statement I still agree with.

But tonight he's doing his usual schtick on HBO, getting on his knees for Obama, and claiming that Bin Laden got "lazy" because he was finally caught in the same place he had been hiding for the past 6 years.  If only he would listen to what he himself is saying- the man was in the same hiding spot FOR OVER 6 YEARS without being caught.  Why should he leave that spot?  He brings up Salman Rushdie, and his changing apartments every day to stay alive.  I don't know, Bin Laden did survive for a good TEN YEARS with his strategy, when the entirety of the world was looking for him.  meanwhile, those looking for Salmen were a bunch of ignorant motherfuckers, who only happened to look for him when he would release a book that was detrimental to them.  Hmmm...  good comparison Bill... 

Bill, how about you try to how anywhere for 7 days without being caught...  Feel free to go back to your home country under the cover of darkness- I still think you'd be found in about 2 days.  And if you found a safe house where you lasted 3 days, you'd probably stay there indefinately...  And Bill, as much as you like to claim that the Koran and the Bible preach hatred towards other people, you can say the same thing about the book your people worship as well.

But the worst thing he said tonight was in asking why we can't claim that the war on terror is over now that Bin Laden is dead.  Hate to break it to everyone but for the past 10 years Bin Laden has been a figurehead.  If anything, the amount of money spend trying to find him versus the benefit of finally killing him has been part of what has been bankrupting this country.  And guess what?  The POTUS is just a figurehead as well.  In reality, they both had about the same amount of real powers.  Osama could motiviate his jihadists, if they were able to hear what he had to say.  If anything, he had more power than Obama, who could TRY to push his own agenda, but in reality could only veto bills he didn't agree with, or sign off on things that were already passed. 

The only thing that will get this country back on track is increasing taxes across the board, but keeping the social stability nets that are necessary for the poor, while at the same time giving them the means and desire to take advantage of said social stability nets.  But in reality, even though Obama has claimed to want to increase taxes on the rich, as president, he has still taken advantage of the very same loopholes that he claims to want to close...  As president he should be leading the way, and taking the standard deduction on his taxes, "paying it forward" instead of just talking a talk that he doesn't believe in.  So should all rick folk- nothing is stopping them from paying more in taxes than they owe... 

Roger McDowell- Latest Asshole of the Year Candidate

The latest candidate of asshole of the year, Roger McDowell joins Dez Bryant;  Antonio Cromartie, and Robert G Burton (so nice he's listed twice). 

Roger, Roger, Roger...  After a career in the major league that is the definition of average (70-70), you someone manage to get a job as a coach.  Good for you, as a former NY player, I appreciate that, even though I'm a Yankees fan instead of a Mets fan.  However, as pitching coach of the Braves, while in another city, you are stupid enough to get into a verbal altercation with fans?  In the year 2011 you are stupid enough to ask three San Francisco fans if they are a 'homo couple' or a 'threesome'?  And then using the well-known symbol of the shocker to stimulate intercourse, in addition to other lewd comments and gestures?

As much as I'd like to say I'd normally be on your side, Roger, you are a fucking idiot...  Did you forget that it was 2011?  Did you want a early-season vacation?  Did you really tell a fan that "kids don't belong at the fucking ballpark?"  Roger, once again, you are a fucking idiot.   This situation itself is idiotic, but combine that with the fact that you were the second spitter...  Way to blame it on Keith Hernandez. Roger McDowell, you are the latest candidate for Asshole of the Year.  If anything, you should have at least blamed it on Vince Coleman, although he probably would have tried to bleech that stain out of his history...

TRx Softball Game 2 Writeup- When "The Animal" Attacks

As some people may have heard, there has been some big news over the last few days.  Yes, the royal wedding was a rousing success (although Greg pulled off Kate Middleton's dress much better while in drag the previous weekend).  Sure, somehow Fast Five pulled in $86.2 million at the box office, demonstrating the increasing stupidity of America.  Of course, Justin Bieber was hit with eggs at a concert in Australia, in what was certainly a g'day, mate.  But most importantly, TRx had their second game of the young season, and came away with a breathtaking victory of Krysta's cunning Kellogg compatriots.  Some of them may have even been linguists, too.

Greg never felt so pretty...

As this was KB's season debut, he decided to arrive early to scout Kellogg (and try to score some free cereal).  Somehow, they had over 20 players at the field before the second player for TRx showed up.  And surprisingly, it wasn't Mean Joe Ford, as he would have had a field day recruiting the other team for what could have been a 5th and 6th volleyball team.  When Krysta arrived, memories of last season overwhelmed her, and she instinctively skipped over to KB on the TRx bench.  Before her new teammates could drag her away kicking and screaming (but in a much more entertaining way than the Will Ferrell classic), KB imparted one piece of advice, knowing it would stick in her head and lead disastrous results for the rest of the game- don't hit it to GLG.  

This game also represented the season debuts of Terry, Kirk, and Craig "The Animal" Scott.  Each had a memorable entrance for the throng of fans in attendance.  As Terry walked confidently to the mound, the crowd went wild and started waving their Terry-ble Towels.  As Josh laid down the classic party beats, Animal from the Muppets (dressed like Craig in what looked almost like a full softball uniform) led the crowd in a rousing rendition of Ginuwine's classic (?) hit "In Those Jeans," in homage to Kirk's attire.

As Terry tried to get reacclimated to the pitching mound and the variable strike zone, the defense behind him was stellar.  After the Double D-inspired (which Kevin would have loved) obligatory "Wait for your fielders, Terry," he did just that, as Craig manned the hot corner, with GLG at short, Gabriela at the deuce, and KB at first.  With Craig using a glove that was twice as old as Gabriela, there was a lot of experience in the infield.  This experience came in handy, as the left side gobbled up everything hit to them.  GLG had a heads-up play (which is saying something when you're talking about his bulbous dome) to get the lead runner at third on one play, and Craig instigated the first double play of the year, fielding a grounder, stepping on third, and firing to first where KB made a solid scoop (there you go, JR).  He even put on his own slow-motion instant replay, so Kellogg could see what two scoops really looks like.  Suck it, Raisin Bran...

Other key defensive plays included a pop up to deep third that almost led to a collision between GLG and Craig.  Luckily, Greg kept his bulbous head up, and no one was injured as they both hugged it out.  Aaron almost added to the highlights while just missing a nice diving catch in the outfield.  On a pop-up to second, GLG and KB had a screaming match over who would be better suited to protect Gabriela.  They decided to make a cocoon-like shell around her, before KB caught the ball, and Gabriela emerged safe and sound.

Meanwhile, during the bottom of the first, as the TRx offense tried to offend, a fan asked "Why do fingers fing?"  However, other questions would arise on the first TRx hit of the game, as Josh seemingly beat out a grounder to the left side but was somehow called out.  To think, the one time Josh doesn't try to truck someone, he gets called out.  Craig was incredulous, and even asked the ump if he was joking.  This put in motion a series of makeup calls throughout the rest of the game for both teams leading to confusion all around, including when Aaron was called safe at first on a play where he was clearly out, only to be immediately called out at second where he was seemingly safe.  I hadn't seen that much makeup since last week, again when GLG was in drag...

Seeing the calls being made, the opposing left fielder knew what he had to do- get dirty enough that no one would be able to see him while he ran the bases.  In preparation for this, he quickly ran to the woods to shave off all body hair for safety purposes.  On his next at bat, after a fly ball to right center dropped, he raced safely to second, and slid from 15 feet away, reminiscing about the joys of Slip-n-Slide, and covering half of his body in dirt.  Later, after a fake throw to first by Craig, he was caught leaning towards third, and dove back into second, despite the fact that Craig was 30 feet away from him and no one was covering the base, coating the other half of his body. 

When asked about his sliding ways during the game, he claimed he was representing the dirty South.  Either that, or he was trying to dig to China.  Or perhaps he was related to The Mole, Busmalis from the HBO series Oz.  Regardless, as the bruises piled up, he eventually gave in to the pain, and asked to borrow Kirk's jeans as protection.

His mother was a mudda...

The bottom half of the lineup continued to carry the team offensively, keyed by Craig insalting the other team by peppering the field with pin-point placement of his base hits.  TRx picked up two key insurance runs in the 6th, giving them a 6-3 lead going into the seventh. 

Kellogg quickly put two runners on base, including the left fielder, now almost completely invisible against the brown of the dirt, as fears of a repeat of last game crept into the minds of the team.  Luckily, Terry induced a pop-up to the right side.  KB made a break for the ball, his long gazelle-like stride in full effect.  After waiting what seemed like an hour for the ball to fall, he caught it, and raced back to first, hoping that the invisible man (not Ralph Ellison) would not beat him there.  His speed worked, as TRx won on a game-ending double play, doubling the number of successful double plays in the game. 

In the end, TRx was a cereal killer and escaped with a 6-3 victory, as Krysta immediately asked for her old job back.  Without the joyful exuberance of Christin and motivation pep talks of Old Demps to cheer her on, and with KB's words still in her head, all she could only muster two ground-outs to GLG, and a walk.  Though in fairness to Terry, Greg did say he was tired during that at-bat, so Terry walked her on purpose to spare GLG more action.

With the victory, TRx is now 1-1.  While the offense did just enough to win, the defense was stellar, reminiscent of the GLG-Golden days, when they team was showered with praise.  And as Craig proved in his softball debut, it turns out the old commercials are true- nothing can stop... THE ANIMAL!

Oh yeah, and we killed that Osama guy, which I guess is a big deal.  America... F$%# YEAH.

2011 TRx Softball Season Preview

Ahhh, the joys of springtime- the warming of the weather, the blooming of flowers, and most importantly, the start of a new softball season for TRx.  All joyous occasions, but only the last brings with it an excuse for KB to distract himself with write-ups that almost no one will read, and references/inside jokes that even fewer people will get.  And there is no time better for a season preview than after the first game has already been played.

Last year's season ended in disappointment, as TRx failed to make the playoffs.  To add insult to injury, the final few weeks played out with TRx almost getting no-hit one game, TRx losing their finale on a game-ending triple-play where TRx was unable to accomplish what David so enthusiastically cheers for ("Let's take it in the bottom!"), and KB becoming embroiled in what has to be one of the first ever slow-pitch softball umpire feuds (see beginnings of it in comments here). 

It was an off-season of change in many ways for TRx, with the loss of Krysta to softball team arch-rival Kellogg, Kristin getting engaged, GLG having a baby (well, not him, but his wife), and Steve getting a hole in one.  Along with the remnants from last year, this year's team picks up some new faces (although some of them have technically been on the roster for multiple seasons, but rarely, if ever, actually showing up at any games), as well as another ex-employee/client making his triumphant return to TRx sports.

Onto the new players:

Craig "The Animal" Scott (no relation to Michael Scott, although rumor has it that Craig auditioned for the role of Michael Scarn, and was a financial backer of Threat Level Midnight)- Early reports state he has a good bat.  As further motivation, he has promised everyone on the team an extra month of vacation if we win the title.  The icing on the cake- instead of going to the Iron Abbey for pre/post game celebrations, all future shenanigans will take place at the VFW (home of the world famous hand-pressed roast beef).

Gabriela- This skilled project coordinator was brought in for intimidation.  Much like a popular technique when going to prison is to pick a fight with the biggest, baddest guy on the cell block, Gabriela put the whole league on notice in her first game- firing the bat back at both the catcher and umpire.  Let's see the umps try to continue the feud now...

Kevin- After making his debut late last season, Kevin joins the team on a more full-time basis this year.  This tall glass of water enjoys dancing, long walks on the beach, and writing poetry.  Only one of those statements is true, and let's say it's not usually him doing the dancing.  After years of hearing of the joys and getting a small taste of the TRx softball team last year, this year Kevin hopes his keen (Double) Visions will allow him to get many a walk.  While in Vegas for the Super Bowl, Kevin even placed a futures bet on TRx to win the whole league.  Given the extremely long odds, if that happens don't expect to see Kevin ever again...

Kirk- According to GLG, Kirk becomes the first IT guy to ever play on a TRx sports team.  Rumor has it he is now being shunned by the rest of the IT department for his betrayal.  The good news is, if necessary, Kirk can hack into the league website and change all the scores to propel us into the playoffs.  Unfortunately, he can also hack into this website, changing anything I write.  KIRK IS THE GREATEST- Kirk.

"Mean" Joe Ford- This year Mean Joe looks to branch out and bring his usual brand of intensity and dedication from the volleyball courts to the softball diamond.  Or at least that is his claim.  In reality, his only reason for joining the team is to further recruit for V-ball, as his goal is to have at least 3 teams this year, despite the struggles to get enough players to show up for even one team.  Hopefully, we'll get to hear at least one "COME ON, JOEY," and get to watch Mean Joe jump around as if he were a baby kangaroo (aka a joey).

COME ON, JOEY

Bob "That Mento Kid"- For some people, TRx sports are like heroin, and Bob's now got the monkey on his back, after getting his first taste from the inaugural flag football team.  As Dempsey says, "That Mento kid, he's a player."  For the teams sake, let's hope that unlike Big Pun, he IS a player, AND he crushes a lot.

James "English Channel"- This is one channel you won't want to change.  James made his TRx sports debut in week 1, manning the muddy marsh of first base with such skill and dexterity that a position controversy has developed between James and KB.  However, given his last name, his enthrallment with the recent Royal Wedding may not dissipate for the rest of the season.  Will KB be able to take advantage of his opportunity and wrestle back the first base position?

Ed "Smith & Wesson"- Ed has technically been on the roster for years, but has yet to show up at a game.  Rumor has it he and Tom P. worked this no-show softball job status into their contracts years ago, and no one has been willing to challenge them on it.  Ed is the muscle in their organized crime family, quick to the draw and always shooting to kill with one of the various pistols he packs on his person at all times.

Tom P.- First there was Madoff, now there is Principe...  In addition to his no-show status, Tom developed an elaborate scheme to game the system.  For the past 10 years, even when there has been no team (and even more dastardly, before he was even working at TRx), he has managed to drain the TRx well under the auspices of needing cash for new uniforms.  Somehow, this all got past Greg from Finance, who never suspected something was amiss, despite seeing invoices for Blindfolded Cricket uniforms, or even Coed- Naked Mud-wrestling uniforms... 

John- Not really a new player, but a returning player after a multi-year hiatus, the man with 1,000 nicknames ends his hibernation and makes his triumphant return to the scene of so many injury-plagued softball seasons.  Look forward to seeing a plethora of braces, headbands, and other paraphernalia adorning JR, making his joints even stiffer and causing him to run slower than he already does.  With his dual role as both TRx client and softball teammate, JR will have even more of an excuse to say "Not my fault" when things go awry.  But if he makes it through the season with all of his limbs still at least partially attached to his body, he will be a happy Johnson.

How many more braces can he wear?

Returning Players:
Terry- As last year's starting pitcher, Terry was somehow able to maintain his poise on the mound, despite David constantly saying "wait for your fielders...  hold on Terry...  wait for your fielders" or talking about getting out of an inning and taking it in the bottom.  A force both on the mound and at the plate, Terry always has a positive attitude, and with the defense behind him, that is a good thing.  Hearing about his upcoming pitching controversy, Terry turned to Malcolm Gladwell, and followed in the footsteps of this guy, claiming to have put in over 10,000 hours of practice over the off-season to become even more of a pitching expert.  Can he lead the team to the promised land?

Mike- With Terry missing the first game, Mike boldly took to the hill and pitched a fine first game of the season, beginning what may be a season-long pitching controversy.  While Terry turned to Gladwell, Mike attempted to give the team a leg up by teaming with the University of Pennsylvania towards the development of a pitching robot.  While the early results weren't that promising, hopefully this robot will be perfected by the end of the season.  It will be even better if it doesn't count as an actual player on the field, as our defense can use all the extra players we can get.

Brian- Brian the remains the Brains behind the TRx operation.  Slowly working his way through each department within the company, this year he hopes to play every position on the softball team as well.  Soon, he will combine this vast array of information to take over the world, or at the very least, the softball league.  He will then create a new and improved SMQ score (Softball Metric of Quality), showing TRx as the best team in the league, and awarding us the mythical national championship of softball. 

Old Demps- The crafty lefty returns this year as on-the-field manager.  In addition, he will continue to take kickbacks from the Iron Abbey and urge the team to go there both before and after games, (or even during games on the rare occasions when we have more than enough players).  A former track star, even his advancing old age hasn't been able to slow him down.  Old Demps keeps himself physically fit and mentally strong during games by smoking cigarettes while in the outfield, and sometimes while at the plate as well (substituting Twizzlers when necessary).  So when people say Old Demps is just blowing smoke, they are usually speaking both literally, and figuratively.

Aaron- During the off-season, Aaron went on a world-wide vision quest in an attempt to one-up his brother Moses' parting of the Red Sea.  This year he was successful in his attempt to make the Bering Straight crooked, but didn't foresee the dramatic consequences his mystical water-based miracles would have on Japan and the rest of the world.  This season, Aaron plans to use these powers for good, to the tune of controlling the weather during games.  Whether/weather it be making in rain (not in the Pacman Jones sense, which will be disappointing to Kevin) to help protect a lead, or causing swirling winds to guide the ball into the gloves of the TRx outfield, Aaron will be in control.

Steve-  While Steve continues to sing his own praises over his lengthy division III baseball career, you do not want to get on his bad side.  Following in Manny's footsteps, Steve underwent anger management courses during the off-season after getting thrown out of a game last year due to the exchange of pleasantries with one of the umpires.  Steve has come back a new man, as he awaits the day when his son, famous for starting "LET'S GO, DADDY" chants (presumably for Steve, but maybe he just really likes the Danica Patrick GoDaddy.com commercials), will be old enough to join the team.  

Kristin- Recently engaged, Kristin is dedicating this season to her future husband.  In fact, she has vowed to wear her engagement ring during games, and use it to distract the opposing team- either by reflecting the sun into their eyes while the ball is in play, or by just punching them in the face.  If all else fails, Kristen is also owner of one of TRx's mascots, Chloe, and also has plans to unleash the hounds while TRx is up to bat, hoping the beast will run out onto the field, grab the ball, and just keep going. 

Christin- Christin continued to have a full schedule in the off-season, pursuing her musical career (providing motivation for Night Ranger and their hit song Sister Christin and collaborating with Kristen as the white female version of Chris Kross) and continuing to hone her excellent footwork due to all the kick saves she made as catcher last year (touring with the U.S. soccer team after the World Cup and guiding the Flyers to the second round of the playoffs).  She also continues to recruit more people with slightly different spelling variations of Christin/Kristen/Krysten to join the team.  In addition to Kristen, Christin also has a dog or two in the fight for TRx team mascot, namely, her dogs Sophie and Oliver.  Shockingly, in the recently released results from Forbes America's favorite mascot contest, these two beasts, as well as Chloe and Parker were shut out of the competition.  This, as well as TRx missing the playoffs, are two grievous injustices that must be remedied this year.     

Shannon "The Cannon"- Shannon hopes to Sheppard the team through any tough times this season.  Nicknamed for both her strong arm in the field, and her collection of war memorabilia, Shannon shows a level of determination so intense it is only rivaled by GLG's desire to have his bulbous head stop growing.  An ardent student of Sun Tzu's Art of War, Shannon typically has multiple weapons on her as she runs the bases, including a shiv stolen from Krysta last year, and she is not afraid to use them.  Shannon also continues a tradition started by Ana years ago, of spewing profanity while up at the plate.  But it's always good to use your words...

TO- After hearing about the umpire feud of last year, TO followed in the footsteps of Loomis, and began MMA training in the off-season.  Hopefully, he will attend on of the games wearing his gi (not that there's anything wrong with that), to strike fear into the hearts of our opponents.  With his new-found connections to the underbelly of modern MMA training, TO has developed a nice little side job, which unfortunately led to the downfall of TRx in their first game of the season (as well as the downfall of Golden's shirt).  Hopefully, TO isn't also using said substances, as it could result in an unfortunate battle between him and Bear...

Why is TO fighting Bear?

Josh- This man has a penchant for showing blatant disregard for cutoff men, and third base coaches.  While his method of making himself look good in the outfield by purposely running in before running back out may not always be effective, it certainly looks good, and strikes fears in the hearts of both his teammates and opponents alike.  One of the fastest guys on the team, he isn't afraid of "trucking" someone if they get in his way.  Opposing fielders beware, not even Ice Roads can stop the Ice Road Trucker.  A musical mastermind, Josh also has been known to brings the classic funky beats, even if they are only in his own head while he mans the outfield... 

GLG- GLG, already a feather, became a father during the off-season.  So look forward to him answering every time Steve's kids yell out "Come on, Daddy."  He also loves it when you call him Big Poppa.  GLG looks to set the career world record for his patented over the shoulder catches this season, which are made even better when he throws off his hat as well.  In addition to his softball duties, GLG has vowed to protect his family from all enemies, including zombies. With the softball team a surrogate family for him, we are all invited there for the apocalypse as well. Oh yeah...  he's also got a bulbous head (that sometimes bobbles), and three heads are better than one...

KB- Responsible for write-ups, some of which lead to umpire feuds, KB spent the off-season in disguise as he feared reprisal.  While disguised as Ron Jeremy, he helped Batman fight crime, and also otherwise served the community.  While his costume led to a multitude of creeped-out stares and a large majority of the community wanted nothing to do with his services, but there was a small portion that appreciated his effort.  They always had weird music on when he arrived at their doors as well...

With Batman and Ron Jeremy, TRx can't be stopped!

With TRx already in a 0-1 hole, can they rebound to make the playoffs this year?  Will Remington make it through the season uninjured?  Will Christin run through first base when she hits the ball?  Will Steve survive the season without getting thrown out of any games?  Game on...