Once upon a time, in a township far, far away, there existed a mass of volleyball players. There also existed a tall, lanky, Frisbee-playing figure who preferred the fashion of robes and had long flowing locks. This "man" figured himself to be the master of all domains when it came to volleying balls (no comment on the veracity of this statement). We'll call this figure Mean Joe. No wait... that's too easy... we'll call him Joe Ford... DAMMIT, that's too easy too... We'll just make it real hard (which is what this figure was when he discovered this power regarding volleyballs) and call him Mean Joe Ford.
During the first random amount of days of Mean Joe's tenure, he pulled a Berardi- claiming he wanted to get in on the ground level, learn the business of TRx sports, and lie to everyone about his life. All this time he stood silently by (except for the occasional "Come on, Joey!" or dome-to-bone incident), observing the likes of a sock-wearing Nate, Book of Text Blin, Vociferous Vishal, while also being privy to The Downfall Of Golden's Shirt (pun intended). Every time you turned around, there Mean Joe was... observing, studying, creeping... Then, one day, just like Keyser Soze, he disappeared without a trace (similar to Chester Villanova). Little did everyone know that he was just lying in wait.
Finally, after enough time had passed (4 VFW's, and 7 DPM's ago), he saw his chance to pounce. But unlike Berardi and all of his failed pouncing attempts (see every receptionist ever during his tenure, and multiple other employees as well), Mean Joe finally succeeded, and returned more powerful than ever. Given all he had learned over the years, he knew what he had to do- divide TargetRx from within- into Target X (the xcellent, xceptional, x-rated x-cons) and Target R (the rowdy, ravenous, risk-taking renegades).
And hence, on the first day of his ascension, the two-volleyball team system was born. On days 2 through infinity, Joe rested (except when he was playing volleyball, in which case he was the most intense person of all time). But "irregardless," the advent of the two volleyball system would be a plague on TRx that would come back to haunt them in the playoffs, causing a downfall much worse than Golden's shirt... the downfall of TRx's volleyball playoff dreams, and especially the dreams of a Target R-Target X championship final...
However, in between Mean Joe's split decision and the elimination of TRx volleyball from the Liberty playoffs, there were multiple games played... Here are some highlights:
8/2- With a softball game at 5:15 and a volleyball game at 6:30, multiple players were forced to double dip the chip. In need of players, GLG had initially convinced Mean Joe to man the outfield and pretend any balls hit to him were Frisbees. However, instead Mean Joe secured Steve's attendance at the softball game and went to the volleyball courts to practice by himself for a full hour and fifteen minutes before the game. Mean Joe has never moved so fast, as he'd serve from one side, take three long strides to get to the other side of the net, and set himself up for a spike. Luckily for him, he only hits one of every three serves in bounds, so he didn't get as tired out as expected... Although anyone watching him would have thought he was a schizophrenic, as he would continuously set himself up for a spike after serving to himself, and let out a triumphant "YEAH JOEY" yell after spiking it down. However, when he crossed under the net to go get the ball, he'd yell out "COME ON, JOEY" for not blocking his own spike attempt...
Once the rest of the team finally arrived from softball, they refused to enter the game. At first this was in protest of Joe not showing up for the softball game, but after watching him playing one-on-one with himself, a bigger reason for this refusal came to light- fear. Eventually, Joe calmed down, and everyone played.
It was Target R domination from the start. After some initial miscommunication around whether Gabriela would return it or one of the other players, Gabriela finally enlightened her teammates regarding her play, proclaiming "I can only feel it when they come from behind." No other comments necessary... Target R wins 15-6, 15-4.
8/9- This double-header included the return of Krysta to TRx sports, as another girl was needed. This was the game where Mike Bell's windmill serve finally became the (ultimate) weapon we all knew it could become. Something must have been in the water that day, as GLG got more than 3 inches off the ground (and in other areas) to get a key block. Interspersed between serving out of bounds multiple times yet again, Joe began calling Aaron AC, because he's always cool. In fact, AC was so cool this game that he began taunting one of the opposing girls, as after he served an apparent ace, she claimed she wasn't ready. On his next serve, he once again served it to the same spot, where all this poor woman could do was meagerly fall to the ground and bowing to AC, admitting she wasn't worthy. Target R won both games- the first 15-7, 15-6, the second 15-5, 15-2.
8/11- Before the game, GLG suffered a vicious injury by stepping onto a broken stick strategically placed by the opposing team. Let's just say it was not the first time wood has penetrated Greg... Upon seeing his limp, Aaron offered to let GLG borrow his anklet for support, but Greg would not accept, instead choosing to channel his anger against the other team.
Joe actually got his first serve in bounds during this match- the only more miraculous possibility would have been if Greg was magically healed on the court... Aaron served another ace to win the first set. In the second set, Mike Bell earned another Joe Ford-inspired nickname- the Silent Killer (also known as carbon monoxide), as he would continuously spike on the other team, and come up with big blocks at the net. Target R pulled out, and pulled out a 15-8, 15-5 victory.
After the game, a practice match was held, with Black Mike (Black Batman from Target X's playoff loss), joining the remnants of Target R. In addition to KB coming up with a block and saying "BOOM," there were multiple other spikes. In fact, one caught one of the girls who also joined Target R's team right in the face, as she fell to the ground and it took her 20 minutes to get up.
8/16- In Target R's last regular season game of the year, they had another time crunch, with their first round softball playoff game scheduled for 6:15. It was clear most of the team had their mind on the game ahead, as this was was ugly. Playing at a 6-5 disadvantage, communication was once again an issue. Somehow, Target R won the first set 15-13, but things started to unravel in the second set. At one point, calm and collected Mike Bell showed a rare outburst of emotion, kicking the ball after a missed spike. While Target R lost a close second set 14-16, Mike's passion fueled them in the third set, where they raced against the clock to make it to softball, and dominated, taking the third set 15-2. This put their record even with Target X, setting the stage for a potential playoff battle the likes of which has never been seen before (though it wouldn't be seen this year either, as both teams flamed out in the first playoff game).
8/18- Target R had their first playoff game immediately after Target X's disappointing loss. However, watching such a debacle only brought down Target R's spirits, as they came out flat. Even the presence of Krysta on the team couldn't help TRx. Granted, she may have been more interested in stealing any potential softball secrets than actually helping the team win. Playing with only 5 on the court, Joe was running around like a chicken with his head cut off. Of course, this led to more out-of-bounds serves by Mean Joe. After losing the first set 15-11, TRx tried to scramble in the second set. This almost led to Mean Joe and Mike Bell going dome-to-dome twice, as they would both dive for a ball, yet neither would get to it. In the end, TRx performed a fitting Target X impression, losing in straight sets 15-11, 15-6. After the game, Mean Joe placed the blame on everyone but himself, but especially the A Train, who was no longer cool in Joe's book. Mean Joe even made an appearance on the David Letterman, to read the top 10 list:
Top 10 things overheard after Aaron Cortright’s abysmal performance at the volleyball game, as read by Mean Joe:
10. Hey Aaron, this isn’t your first time on a court, right?
9. Cortright? More like Cort-wrong!
8. Aaron Cortright: Nothing but net!
7. Aaron, your calendar is off…the Special Olympics are next week
6. What’s a fortnight? 2 weeks. What’s a Cortright? GOD AWFUL
5. Cortright? More like Cort-jester!
4. That’s the worst performance I’ve seen on the sand since Jaws 4
3. In Ireland, they say ‘Erin Go Bragh’. In Horsham, they say ‘Aaron Go Away’
2. Cortright? More like Cort-poop!
1. Hank Aaron? 755 home runs. ‘Shank Aaron’? 755 unforced errors.
And with that, the season is over... However, rumors abound of a mythical 7th/8th place game yet to be scheduled between Target R and Target X for bragging rights. Winners will be featured as the one bright spot to come out of the next quarterly meeting at the VFW (besides the hand-pressed roast beef, of course)...
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