Last Wednesday (May 23), TargetRx took on a strong Liberty in rousing softball action. TRx knew this would be a tough game, as only Shannon showed up, being the lone female representative. Apparently, all of the Elf’s creepy antics are finally starting to drive away the rest of the women, meaning the guys better start watching out, as when desperate the Elf will take anything he can get. We even saw him get into it before the game even started, as he slyly leaned on the opposing teams fence, and whispered to the female scorekeeper, “So, do you come here often, and if not, do you want to?” before being chased off by her teammates.
With the lack of usual suspects Remington, Lori, Ana, Andy, Doug, and Kerkering, TRx thought it could be a long day, with only Murphy, Legrand, and Elf in the outfield. Rumor has it many of the missing players were enjoying an abundance of Phil (something else Berardi has been known to do), as they mocked the homeless. The Hit King made his return, playing short, while Blin was at second. TO stepped up and played a fine first base as well, making numerous slick fielding plays.
Before the game could begin, Greg almost got into a fight in the outfield. Two lovebirds were stretching each other within spitting distance of Greg and refused to move for the game. Greg, not one to back down from a confrontation (especially after the pregame happy hour), spit on these two twisted freaks of nature. Of course, this led to the Elf running over, hoping to get spit on as well. After the two delinquents realized what GLG had done, they quickly got to their feet and chased him around the field. Luckily, despite the excess weight of Greg’s bulbous dome, he was able to evade capture (sort of like the Elf evading arrest), and ran towards Colizzo at third. Jim the Killer then showed why that is his nickname, by beating these two fools to death. Of course, Berardi has never seen a dead body that he didn’t want to [INSERT INAPPROPRIATE VERB], and had to be restrained by Blin, using his Tripod method of attack, before doing irreparable damage to the minds of all witnesses.
Once the game finally started, it was quickly apparent that it would be a long day (but a short game). After giving up a few quick hits, a ground ball to the Blindian was misplayed, and this would prove costly. The next batter, a mammoth beast of a man, hit a towering fly ball to left off a rattled KB. Now that a few days have passed, the ball might have actually landed. Rumor has it the ball hit vehicle of each member of TRx, as well as the AFLAC duck. Luckily, Golden’s insurance is all paid up, so his broken windshield will be taken care of. Blin is not gonna pay a lot for his muffler. And TO just saved a bundle on his car insurance.
TRx finally got up to bat facing a 5-0 deficit. Unfortunately, the bats continued to be cold. KB settled down in the second inning, without giving up a run, but the third inning is where the wheels began to fall off. However, we did get to witness a rare play at the plate. Affter Murphy continued his Berardi impression in left, and let a ball get past him, the race was on around the bases for Liberty. Unfortunately for the guy who hit the ball, he had quite possibly the slowest person in the universe on in front of him. This led to both of them standing on third base, as the angered batter shoved the woman towards home. At this point, Murphy had finally retrieved the ball and threw it in to Golden at short. Of course, Golden couldn’t field the throw cleanly, and then had to run after the ball. Despite all of these miscues, Golden finally made the throw home to KB, who got the tag for the out, to save any runs from scoring in the second.
In the bottom of the 2nd, TRx finally broke up the shutout, with key RBIs coming from TO, Bill, and Ol’ Demps. TO now has sole possession of the RBI lead, yet Berardi continues to bat him at the bottom of the lineup. However, TRx was lucky to have him there, as the top of the lineup did absolutely nothing at the plate, as GLG’s hitting streak was broken, and KB continued his slump. Even the Hit King couldn’t get on base.
In the top of the third, TRx put on a clinic of how not to play defense. Key errors were made by Golden, Colizzo, Blin, and Murphy. In fact, the only person without an error ths inning was Berardi, who did almost cause a collision with Greg, as he flailed wildly at a fly ball to right center, but somehow made the catch. He likely had to run that far to make the catch due to his playing of “the Berardi shift,” where he plays wherever he wants, even though he doesn’t possess the knowledge to actually know where he should be positioned. In fact, on one play, Berardi was seen doing the Mad Elf dance naked in the bushes, in some sort of primitive Elf mating ritual. Blin also being in the bushes has been neither confirmed nor denied.
Golden’s errors can possibly be excused, as in the early innings, another mammoth beast nearly ran over him at second base, as Blin led him with the thrown to his impending doom. A bloodied and damaged Golden played on, but was clearly thrown off his game, as he later dropped a routine line drive right at him. Although he did attempt to take revenge on team Liberty on what should have been a throw to third, but was instead a rifle right into their bench area. Unfortunately, his throw didn’t hit anyone, and instead went into the woods where he killed his 12th squirrel of his career.
Jim also got into the squirrel-killing game, taking out a whole family, as well as an aardvark, and a small child, with numerous throws that eluded TO at first and went flying into the woods. This also nearly led Colizzo to kill the umpire as well. After his earlier miscues, before the third inning started, Colizzo asked for and received the game ball to practice throwing to first. Once the umpire noticed, he began to berate Colizzo, saying with how accurate Jim’s arm had been up to that point, he wasn’t allowed to throw to first, as he would certainly lose the ball. Jim then proceeded to throw the ball to first anyway, and then him and the umpire had a staring contest for 3 minutes, looking lovingly into each others eyes. This strained silence was finally broken when Shannon smacked the umpire upside his head and told him to pull it together. As luck would have it, Jim got another ground ball to third after this confrontation, and made the throw to first accurately, then asking the ump “Am I allowed to throw now?” leading to another staring contest. No one knows for sure if Colizzo followed the ump home and offed him, but the ump hasn’t been seen since (probably because we haven’t had a game since).
In the fourth, Liberty took a 13-3 lead, putting all the pressure on TRx to score a run, or lose via mercy rule once again. Given only one female, the other team actually could have used strategery to walk two TRx players, and then take the automatic out that comes with the lack of second girl, but instead played the game out, retired TRx in order. As the third out was made, Berardi let his emotions get the best of him, as he turned around on the bench, and kicked the closest bag. Of course, this bag didn’t belong to him, and was Jim’s. Luckily, nothing in there was broken, but it was just another demonstration of Berardi’s idiocy, and hopefully, Jim the Killer will take him out once and for all, for the benefit of the rest of the team, and all females throughout the world.
After the game, the umpire sought out KB, and congratulated him with these kind words “You pitched a great game, just didn’t have a lot of help out there,” as he put his arm around KB. The ump then offered up the “help me help you” line, as he lowered his hand from KB’s shoulder to his rear, and got a solid handful of cheek. Clearly shocked, KB yelled out “you’ll never touch my softballs again” and ran off to drown his sorrows at the Seafood Factory. While life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness are valiant goals, TRx could have done without Liberty, as this loss will sting for a long time. Updated stats are attached. The next game is today at 6:30 against NCO blank, a team that we should be able to beat, so fans should take the opportunity to come finally witness another TRx softball victory.
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