Last night TRx opened their season against a super-fueled NCO team. Oh wait, they weren't opening their season, they were just having their first game in over a month. The last time something TRx softball-related lasted that long, Mike Berardi was under indictment for various illicit activities. But NCO was certainly super-fueled, as this was the team of former Seafood Factory mainstay "Cokehead," and they must have been under the influence of the very same "caffeine" that caused the original "Cokehead" to currently do midway through a 5 year bid. Although his older, skinner (from excessive use of his brother’s product of choice), and balder brother was still on the team, hoping to win the softball championship trophy to hock at a pawn shop to try to get Cokehead out on a weekend furlough. Perhaps he was going to go to Sonic to make some deals, but the cop staked out there scared him off of those stomping grounds.
At the start of the game, in the words of Moonshine Andy, "it was a big mess." All sorts of fans where roaming the field in anticipation for huge promotion that was going on, including the new Twin Towers of Tall, Frizbie-Flinging Krazy Kevin and Mean Joe (taking over the Twin Towers label for the Brothers McBrightcliffe), Mike “the Monster” McClintic, Stealth Steve, and more! who silently emerged from the woods while no one was watching. All were there in celebration of the "Farewell Until Christmas, Krysta" promotion. Before the game, the entire TRx team was chanting the abbreviation of the letters the celebration while contemplating their chances for the rest of the season without Krysta, until finally learning that while Krysta was leaving the company, she would in fact continue on with the team for their march to the playoffs (although after seeing the horrid display put on during the game, playoff chances are decreasing by the minute). After hearing about Krysta’s move to Kellogg, crafty KB copyrighted the infamous picture of GLG's face on the Tony the Tiger box, so he'll be getting a piece of Krysta's business... wait, that didn't sound right... will at least rake in some profits as she leads them to the literal top of the food chain. In his other personal economic stimulus, KB has managed to bring Night Ranger to Harrah’s (www.nightranger.com/content/harrahs-chester-casino-racetrack) to give the people what they want- more Sister Christin.
Another key missing piece at the start of the game was KB. Distraught over the thought of losing Krysta, and knowing the TRx softball skill level differential, he turned to the bottle, and had a pre-game happy hour himself (mostly because he forgot how to get to the actual field, and got "distracted" while asking for directions at the local bar). He arrived just in time to see the slick fielding of the physicist, David “Double D” Deutsch, who proved the theory of dark matter displacement (http://www.anti-relativity.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=6169), after dropping to his knees to get in front of a ground ball, and seeing it still somehow get around him. The same dark matter that was displaced later got in the way of a relay to David as well. This allowed Christin to recite a poem she had been working on for some time- "Double D’s dropped to his knees, but felt the breeze, as past him the ball did squeeze… oh jeez, what a tease, I would have caught that cheese- so would my Aunt Louise." Christin’s mom was in attendance for the game, with even more competition against Chloe and Parker for team mascot, Sophie and Oliver. If TRx won, she would release the hounds, as it would be a crazy mixed up world, a Doggy-Dogg world (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=td2e9KBIbgU).
On an earlier play, Brian the Brain snagged a hard ground back despite the sun nearly blinding him, and attempted to throw to first. However, he threw the ball 10 feet over TO's head. Granted, it wasn't completely his fault- he saw the leaves on top of the trees behind TO, and became confused, thinking that maybe TO had grown some hair, so fired it to where he thought the glove would be. Alas, TO’s only hair is on chinny-chin-chin, but it does allow him to do a mean goatee stroke (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fvCmfnfz6jM).
When KB arrived, TRx was trailing 3-1. As they attempted to make their move, GLG stepped up to bad in a huge situation (although not as huge as Greg’s head, or The Situation’s new book deal- http://shelf-life.ew.com/2010/07/19/the-situation-to-write-a-book-somebody-prep-the-pulitzer/ - where is my book deal?)... After two mighty hacks, GLG flailed at a ball and notched the first swinging K of the game. After the poor attempt, Christin’s mom began rapping, as Mama Said Strike You Out… Always the one to turn a bad thing into good, in the field the next inning Greg first purposely used the gravitational pull of his head to let a ball drop in the outfield, putting the batter on first base. On the next play, he once again turned on the power of his head, and drew the ball right into his glove, before quickly firing to KB at first to complete the always rare strikeout-line-out-throw out trifecta. This skill was only surpassed by Old Demps doing Greg one better in the K department, with both a swinging strikeout, as well as a fouled off third strike.
When KB finally got up to bat, he quickly reached base, dedicating his hit to all those who have perished since TRx had their last game. Krysta quickly followed with a line drive base hit. With Ken and Krysta (Double K to David’s Double D) on the bases, Double D stepped up to the plate, with the ability to change the entire fabric of the game. As the pitch lofted towards the plate in slow motion, David took a mighty swing and all of the sudden... B-A-A-A-M... a rocket of a ball! As the ball made it 5 feet in front of the mound, all of the sudden it stopped (in mid air, mind you, like Keith Hernandez's loogy www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gcaq4ElAJrE) and began to bounce backwards. Everyone froze in shock and awe, until their catcher mistakenly touched the ball, at which point Double K and Double D all started running. Unfortunately, the speed and drive of Double K led to them missing the antics of Double D, who after realizing how hard he hit the ball, thought it might be on fire. Having listened to his elders as a young youth, Double D knew exactly what to do- Stop, Drop, and Roll. As he went to the ground, the entire other team continued to be completely shocked and awed and unable to move. This allowed the Doubles K and D to all reach base, amazingly. After realizing he was safe at first, David touted his own accomplishments to the crowd, proclaiming “Only you can prevent forest fires.”
At this point, the TRx cheerleading squad was going nuts, or should I say B-A-N-A-N-A-S. Led by Shannon on the bench, Kristin, Christin, Regina, and Kevin were cheering their heads off. Mighty Christin was up next to bat, a hush fell over the crowd, with the exception of her mom’s dogs. The opposing team’s pitcher began to stall, scratching his stomach, and the bench began chanting about their desire for a pitcher, not a belly-itcher. Finally, the pitch came in. Christin took a mighty swing, and the ball was headed for safety until the jerk pitcher caught it for the third out instead of returning to his belly-itcher status. At least she did better than Greg… Christin’s mom was tempted to sic the dogs on the pitcher, but figured she would wait until after the game. Also after the game, KB’s status as a dog lover (not a dog hater nor a dog beater) was revealed, and cooler heads prevailed to all the dogs to remain their happy selves.
In the end, TRx fell 13-1, by the most merciful rule of all. Terry pitched well, but the defense couldn’t back him up. The Ice Road Trucker has a flat tire on one base hit that evaded his grasp and Krysta and Aaron had a near collision, as they spent the evening chasing balls to the gap. The month-long hiatus clearly stopped all the positive momentum they had built up during the first half of the season. But luckily, no one was injured, and they got some good work in on the relay from the outfield to catcher. Despite TRx's loss, they were happy to at least play a game. And despite the lack of rain, they had many things to be joyous about- 1. Krysta's farewell happy hour (where Tom P. wouldn't realize the damage so few people could do to his tab), and 2. rainbows. Because much like the Frosted Flakes box bestowed upon her, Krysta will never expire, and will always make us as happy as the always rare double rainbow (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQSNhk5ICTI).
As Krysta moves on to expand her skill set, one of the first things she will learn is how to “dougie” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OnPJmDc0b_M). Her new office may also be slightly more accepting of profanity (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bh7Nz4bIwss&videos=mBsxIkHUm7c). Hopefully, they treat their employees well (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gwntSdWNmdM&videos=-RHIZJ_HK84). While the hours may be longer, that shouldn’t bother Krysta (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYBx7yxEME4&videos=Pf9x64QpIAg). But to bid her adieu from TRx, we might as well start up a slow clap (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhTiJEYqqY8&videos=wQFuVsnimZc).
May we all wish her much luck and many joyful trips to Battle Creek.
Next game is Monday at 6:30 against Quest Diagnostic. If anything will inspire us, it will be this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xrOtaviIgwc&videos=QW5jF6EEZZ0.
And remember… Rainbows...
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