TRx Softball Game 11 Write-Up: I'm Dreaming Of A White (Trash) Christmas

Last night, a reeling TRx took on Quest Diagnostics while fighting for their playoff lives. Going into the game with a 6-3 record, TRx is battling Auxillium (6-3) and Capmark (5-2) for two of the last three playoff spots. One of these proud teams will be on the outside looking in. Luckily, Quest Diagnostics seemed to be just what TRx needed to get back on the right track, as during the first half of the season Quest seemingly made it their quest to lose nearly all of their games, as they entered this contest with one victory on the season. However, they seemed to change tactics in to start the second half of the season, as before the game they attempted to engage in some corporate espionage. After hacking into the TRx computer system and realizing there was nothing of value, they did the one thing they thought would give them the upper hand- mess with the softball attendance spreadsheet, which almost had catastrophic consequences.


Quest, knowing that TRx would be likely be confident going into the game decided to change the spreadsheet to indicate Shannon would be in attendance. How Quest knew that Shannon was going, going, back, back to Cali, Cali and Demp’s didn’t is still a mystery, but Old Demps, operating under the auspices that the spreadsheet was correct, had penciled her in at second base, which would make her the necessary second female in the field. Luckily, Christin caught on to this underhanded tactic, and alerted KB and Demps to the sabotage, in the most entertaining way possible- through song (www.youtube.com/watch?v=-sbqIyeed4g), as she couldn’t stand it, she knew the planned it, she was gonna set it straight, this Watergate. Sean quickly had to go back to the drawing board and reconfigure the lineup.

In addition to missing Shannon, TRx was also without TO, who was still trying to get a contract from the Bengals (http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=5411203). Brian was also missing, as he was attempting to find out more information about the next debacle that will be the TRx flag football team. Aaron was out trying to one-up his brother Moses, by parting the Black Sea instead of the Red Sea. Double D was still working on a plan to travel back in time to last week and make that play at second. And Greg, having thought he heard the fat lady sing on the softball season last week, took time out to go see a literal fat lady sing- at the Opera Company of Philadelphia (http://www.operaphila.org/). Reports are that while his audition was good, it wasn’t good enough, and he will not be playing the part of Juliet in next year’s Romeo and Juliet.

Nice rack, Greg...

Given the multitude of missing members, drastic action had to be employed. Terry recruited Wild Bill- a man known to get up to the plate without a bat, and just use his tree-trunk sized arms to hit the ball, and Old Demps recruited Mark, aka MC Gold. Given the absence of Shannon, Christin was a kind enough soul to sacrifice her plans (http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/07/elderly-woman-charged-with-dumping-syrup-mayonnaise-into-library-drop-box/1) and join the team, leaving TRx forever in her debt. To come up with the fielding arrangement, Dempsey threw darts blindfolded while at the Iron Abbey. This led the normal left side of the outfield to be in the infield, with the Ice Road Trucker at short, and the unconventional positioning of the crafty lefty, Steve, at third. Wild Bill played left, where he also may have been drinking Wild Turkey, with MC Gold in left center. Dempsey was initially going to catch, but instead ceded the position to the superior Christin, and played second. Krysta managed to escape from Kellogg for the day to play right center, with Mike in right.


Unfortunately, TRx would be battling the white trash umpire (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zc-Q3GChsqE) as well as Quest, named Billy from the Hill, who was clearly biased against the clean white teeth and non-greasy hair of TRx. Hill Billy would later be seen with wife/sister and his son (sporting the ever fashionable mohawk-mullet), walking back to their broken down trailer in the woods, but not after almost blowing the game for TRx. Apparently being an umpire for a work softball league was Hill Billy’s first job with any real authority, and he took full advantage of it.

Nothing beats the mohawk-mullet

In the top of the first inning, the pu pu platter defense took a while to get acclimated to their new positions. Key miscues included Steve throwing a ball over KB’s head at first, and Josh throwing one 15 feet away from KB. There must have been a cutoff man in the way. MC Gold was almost taken out on one of the early plays as well, as Josh tried to do the patented GLG catch of a pop-up while running backwards, as a lack of communication almost caused a collision. On another ground ball towards the left side, Terry made the play, but as Steve was also attempted to field the ball, third base was left open, and everyone was safe. Wild Bill also had a near-sliding catch in left. By the time TRx escaped the top of the first, they trailed 5-0, and after being retired in order in the bottom half of the inning, it looked like it was going to be a long day (but likely a short game).


Luckily, TRx began to settle down both in the field and at bat after the first inning fire drill. Terry, fueled by Christin’s excessive positivity, continued to pitch masterfully, and got through the second without incident. TRx began the long road on the comeback trail in the bottom of the second, as MC Gold started a rally with a base-hit the opposite way. KB then reached and both later scored on RBIs by Terry and Steve, as TRx cut the deficit to 5-2. As they prepared to run back out onto the field, a fan yelled out to Steve for advice. In a touching and heart-felt moment, Steve chose wisely, in advising young Gavin to watch Indiana Jones (especially after the Curse of the Krysta Skull last week), instead of Batman. It brought a tear to the eye, and made KB a little jealous, as he yearned to watch some Indy (and because he was tired from running the bases the inning before)…


Plus, there was a team snack of Twizzlers at the game, courtesy of Krysta’s mom. However, rumor has it they may have been poisoned, as Krysta’s new role at Kellogg involves engaging in some industrial espionage of her own. In an effort to hurt her competitor, Hershey’s, she supplied the Twizzlers knowing full well that Old Demps would be enticed they their allure. Krysta also stole Dempsey’s cigarettes before the game, leaving him no choice but to smoke whatever he could, and in this case, that would be Twizzler’s (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JI46eGClkw). Hopefully, Gavin missed this embarrassing display. Later, when the Twizzlers were offered as a snack to Josh, he started flipping out (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DiB8cjgui6o). Maybe he only likes the black ones…


As the game continued, the umpire got madder and madder. His crystal meth lab must have blown up, and this was his only means to make money to go buy some more pseudoephedrine. He could learn a thing or two from Gus and Heisenberg. Terry continued to paint the corners and pitch well, yet with Quest sensing the anger building within the ump, stopped swinging at pitches, and played for walks. Terry realized he was no longer just pitching to Quest, he was pitching to the umpire. Luckily, his pinpoint accuracy continued to amaze the crowd, and the defense continued play well, with Josh getting redemption for his earlier miscues, and Wild Bill and MC Gold making sliding catches in the outfield. For some reason, for the most part Josh still preferred to throw to first to show off his arm than take the easy out at second- that pesky cutoff man must have gotten in the way again. This led to the umpire blatantly missing an out call at first. But luckily, no damage was done.


TRx continued to battle back, picking up three more runs the next inning to cut the lead to 6-5, fueled by Josh, Wild Bill, and MC Gold. Josh stroked a triple, and surprisingly did not attempt to score. Wild Bill showed off more of his wild tendencies, hitting a ground ball to the left side that seemed to be an easy out, but which the first baseman dropped after hearing the threats of Wild Bill, and he reached base. MC Gold then had another opposite field hit and later scored. KB also had a solid shot that went three feet into the infield (the wind must have been blowing in), and then did his best Double D impression by tripped after reaching first base. As he lay on the ground in homage to DD, he began to wish upon all the stars that where flashing before his eyes that TRx would pull out the game. He also wished he had a Segway to make it over to second base with less effort, but only one of these wishes would come true. Mike advanced the runners, and Terry came up to bat. It was clear that the ump was not pleased, as he began tugging on his beard like a crack addict going through withdrawal. Terry hit it towards the right side, but the ball bounced and hit him while still in the batter’s box. The ump immediately called him out, showing blatant disregard for the rules, and getting even more angry at the world. As Sarah Palin would say, his misunderestimated TRx, and he must be refudiated… Terry was about to swing the bat at the umpire’s head in retaliation, before Christin’s peaceful nature prevailed and she calmed the pitcher down.


Tensions were high heading into the sixth. Quest put a scare into TRx, after a ball with massive backspin was hit to Dempsey at second and just got past him. Yet Terry once again escaped trouble, all due to the majestic pitch sequences called by Christin behind the plate. In the bottom of the inning, MC Gold started the rally with his third base hit to right field. KB then almost fouled out, but managed to incite the wind just enough to push the ball out of the reach of the third basemen, before stroking a double to left. The next play was a pop-up to the right side. Quest made the play and MC Gold took off towards home. This head’s up base-running tied the game, with the go-ahead run on third. Despite Quest’s attempts to reconfigure their field, Krysta then stroked a base hit to left, giving TRx their first lead of the game 7-6, as pandemonium broke out amongst the fans.


In the top of the 7th, TRx simply needed to hold Quest for the win to solidify their playoff chances. However, pandemonium soon broke out on the field as well. Their first hitter hit a deep shot to left and there was a play at third. As the throw came in, the runner slid, yet his massive frame took him past the base. Steve quickly picked up the ball and tagged the runner for what would have been a huge out. The umpire screamed out S-A-F-E (although he probably wouldn’t be able to spell S-A-F-E). Steve calmly requested a moment of the umpire’s time to discuss their mutual disagreement over the outcome of the play, while reiterating the abundance of respect he had for the gentleman (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSEYXWmEse8&videos=dU1UxR4JwzQ). Yet the umpire was fiending for a fight again, and charged up the line, throwing Steve out (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kf9E1zhnFec). Luckily, Dr. Jones was still occupying Gavin, as Steve calmly walked back to the bench. The ump was very proud of himself afterwards, and looking for validation, but finding none, thought to congratulation himself in the only way he knew- the self-high five (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zc11PUnFgkQ&videos=m3kG0eyWgx8). Despite these shenanigans, Quest managed to get that run across to tie the game, but nothing more.


Even though he wasn’t there, the team then channeled Double D’s favorite saying- “We’ll take it in the bottom!” Old Demps gathered everyone around and told them to take a knee. Unfortunately, due to his small stature, despite the fact that the team was kneeling, they still couldn’t see Demps. Wild Bill stepped in, picked Dempsey up, and held him high in the air to speak to the team. As Dempsey spoke (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WO4tIrjBDkk), they team actually listened for once, and was moved. Josh reached base and advanced to third on a hit by Wild Bill, as up came Old Demps, with one out and the winning run on third. With his two strikeouts from last game fresh in his mind, one can only imagine what was going through Sean’s head (though there is a high probability that it was thoughts of Twizzler cigarettes and beer). Wild Bill put on his brass knuckles, knowing he would have to break up the double play at second on a ground ball. Josh was itching to try to steal home, and nearly had to be restrained at third base. As the pitch came in, Dempsey took a mighty hack and hit a line drive towards 2nd base. The hard-hit ball bounced off the second base-woman, and everyone was safe and TRx had the victory! Demps would not have to do the self-high five as he was mobbed by the team, and they all carried him off the field on their shoulders. But not before he did a little dance (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIHs2v3za_M) and sang a little song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7z8W2Ze_2oE&feature=related)-reports of him later making a little love are unconfirmed at this time. It was Christmas in July. Later, as she was leaving the field, Krysta tried to get a picture of the classy umpire, but to no avail. Luckily, he didn’t catch her, or else she would have been thrown out of the parking lot.


The victory gives TRx a 7-3 record with two games to play. Next game is Monday, 8/2 at 5:15 versus another playoff hopeful- Capmark, followed by a potential makeup game against Bimbo. According to GLG, he’d like to smack around a Bimbo, but it’s unclear whether he was talking about that team or not. Rumor has it there was going to be a special trip to the batting cages to keep the offense hot, but that has now been canceled, as the trip instead will be to the cages of Montgomery County Prison, to help Steve break out…