With the return of Berardi, last week's softball write-up can now be distributed... So everyone clear off an hour of your morning, and let the good times roll...
Welcome to the latest softball write-up. The write-up is late this week because veteran reporter KB was in the midst of a bitter salary dispute with editor Ken Buonocore. This vicious battle almost led to the always dangerous double-knock out, as these two warriors exhibited their tenacity while going at each other. But in the end, the soothing words of Batman (John Remington) calmed them both down, and a peaceful resolution was achieved, as KB and Buonocore agreed to disagree. In the end, all that was settled was that KB loves lamp, and Buonocore loves carpet.
But on to the legitimate story... Without the non-existent leadership of their usual fear-filled leader Berardi, TRx took on the awe-inspiring team 10 last Wednesday night. Playing short-handed, TRx decided they would attempt to win this game just to prove that all previous losses were purely Berardi's fault... much like B-Rad's monetary losses in Vegas were mostly his fault (and the fault of the transvestite stripper that he took back to his hotel room)... However, even with ace Young Johnson on the mound, the full team was not in agreement with such a plan of action. In the top of the first, the usually sure-handed/big-headed Greg Legrand fielded a routine ground ball and decided to test his natural physique and see how fast and how far he could throw it, as the ball sailed many miles over Buonocore's head at first. Despite his 6 foot vertical leap, KB could not field the throw. While Greg was happy with his performance (as he usually is, despite how short it typically lasts), Golden took GLG's miscue as a personal affront. With the next batter hitting another routine ground ball to the left side, Golden fielded the ball, and in addition to firing it in the general direction of first, threw it even harder, faster, and more wild than Greg's previous play. Many of the fans were embarrassed by the two horrid displays, but Ben Lin, who was hiding in the bushes behind first base, was not surprised at all, as he always thought Golden was harder, faster, and wilder than Greg...
After seeing the true allegiances of the Hit King and GLG, Young Johnson decided to take matters into his own hands, as he retired the rest of the side, giving up only one unearned run in the first. Knowing that he was battling not just the opposing team, but Greg and Golden as well, JR also took it upon himself to take care of business at the plate, as in the third inning, with three men on base, he hit a base-clearing double to put TRx ahead, as Bear let out a growl that caused all peanuts within a 10 mile radius to spontaneously change shapes into the Batman logo (with 2 knee braces, 3 headbands, and 12 t-shirts), in homage to JR.
JR continued to exhibit a stellar pitching and fielding performance throughout the rest of the game, as he continuously patted himself on the back for his standard high opinion of his own skills. In fact, JR would later nominate himself for MVP of the land, and was later seen placing an infinite amount of online votes for himself on his own personal MVP website. JR also nominated himself coach of the year, which he won easily, as every person who either played on or against TRx knew they had to vote for anyone but Berardi.
While JR continued to pitch his heart out, the infield was not done making errors. Jealous of the attention that Greg and Golden got from their poor play in the first inning, KB decided to try his hand at goalie, instead of first base, as he attempted a kick save on a slow roller to first. Despite his deceptive speed and cat-like reflexes, the ball somehow rolled through his legs, as he looked on in awe, in a near spread eagle position. While watching said play, a fan was heard commenting "I guess he was trying to grab the wrong ball...," as the rest of the crowd tried to get a glimpse up his shorts.
Despite this poor display of athleticism, KB later made up for it, by demonstrating his speed to beat out a run-scoring infield single with the bases loaded. While most people were in a state of shock after seeing such a large object move so fast, Remington was busy teaching a batting clinic to Meg and Lori. Surprisingly, his tips actually worked, as Meg had a solid base hit to keep one inning alive and Lori also reached base, eventually scoring one of the pivotal runs in the game. After seeing Meg's amazing speed, super-fans Dana and Little Luby began debating who was the faster runner- Buonocore or Janzer. Deciding the only way to truly find out would be a head-to-head race, these two entrepreneurs deciding to set up a race party... However, in their excitement, the signs that they made referenced a "Racist Party," set for the day of the next company meeting, inside the VFW, to detract from the actual presentation of Q2 TRx results (or lack thereof), while people berated the VFW's usual roast beef squeezers...
Contrary to popular belief, this was not the only racially charged element of the game... At one point, Ana's former sugar-daddy (the umpire) kept yelling out "illegal." Most people were confused by what this meant, until they finally looked towards the outfield, and saw one of Ana's cousins running from the cops, at which point it all made sense. Ana then used this cousin sighting to motivate herself, by actually running all the way to first base on more than just one occasion (as if she too were running from the cops), and playing error-free second base (the only infielder to not make an error). She did almost bring out her soccer skills on the one ball that was hit in her general direction, as she had a better chance of bicycle-kicking the ground ball than fielding it with her glove.
With Ana at second, Lori played the catcher position (which as those who were privy to the volleyball email know, Ben likes to think GLG sometimes plays in their fantasy-land relationship). While her catching ability was stellar, the one aspect of her defensive prowess that was lacking was cleaning off the plate, as Remington had to request that the ump clean it off in the later innings. To this, the ump replied, "Ana always keeps the plate clean, but other than that, she is a dirty, dirty girl," as he was obviously still infatuated with his previous love interest.
Despite the early defensive errors, and unclean plate, TRx did manage to have some highlights in the field, including GLG making an over the shoulder catch in short left, TO making numerous clutch catches in right-center (as well as getting 2 base hits and scoring twice), and Orr and Tom "Steve" Legrand playing the stellar defense that has come to be expected of them.
Other key plays of the game included TO's screaming line drive down the left field line, which almost took off third base coach KB's head. Even the umpire was awed by it, as he requested that someone check that the cover on the ball was still there, since it was hit so hard. At that point, the catcher took one step towards third, picked up the ball where it rolled to a stop, and laughed, saying that she had hit her girlfriend harder than that just the other night.
Greg also had a highlight reel play at bat late in the game. After hitting a soft pop-up that somehow fell in left center, there was no one covering 2nd base. However, the weight of Greg's large dome must have been weighing him down, as he was unable to look towards the left as he ran to first. Either that, or now that he's got a family and a little Legrand on the way, he is taking care of his health at the expense of the softball team. The entire TRx bench was screaming for him to take second, but the loudest voice sounded exactly like Berardi. In fact, it actually was Berardi, yelling from Vegas to do the Berardi special and run at all costs and try to get thrown out at third...
In the end, the opposing team cut the lead to 7-5 in the bottom of the last inning, with the tying run at the plate, but Remington stepped up and induced the final out. For this, he was later treated to a small water/Michelob Ultra at the post game happy hour, which may have brought JR's BAC to .00000001... In the ensuing drunken stupor, Remington actually paid 20 cents more than he owed for the final tab, which led to most of his teammates falling into shock, of which some of them have still not recovered. But, as we all now, recovery is a process... a process that takes many happy hours, and many beverages to complete, which is why TRx wishes every softball game was at 6:30 for the rest of the season...
Good luck...
Good luck
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