Before the game, TRx had a Fan Appreciation ceremony in honor of all the loving fans who have shown so much support of the team, by supplying free beer for all customers. However, no one showed up, as they all must have gotten Lost on the way to the field. Perhaps they were looking for Somebody’s Playground, instead of Everybody’s playground. Or perhaps they saw KB changing out of his suit and into his uniform near his car, and all fainted in the parking lot after seeing his mighty display of shock and awe.
Regardless, no fans showed up, so starting pitcher Sean Dempsey was forced to take care of the beer on his own, in homage to KB’s historic pre-pitching drinking routine from seasons past. Unfortunately, this did not bode well for his pitching performance.
This year’s Golden Gloves team was stacked, and even had Donna on their team (formerly of the Advanta Blue Sox), the same woman who Blin infamously trucked (as Josh would say) in a game many moons ago (http://fatdrunknstupid.blogspot.com/2010/05/2007-softball-game-this-has-blin.html). Apparently, she has been attempting to hunt Blin down ever since, to wreak vengeance upon him, and beat him with her tiny fists of fury, packed into her Golden Gloves.
As Dempsey walked to the mound to start the game, he raised up a toast with the last of the beer- a toast to being single, seeing double, sleeping triple, not pulling a quad, and trying to steal a quint (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quint_(fire_apparatus). Dempsey started off slowly, occasionally trying to bowl pitches in for strikes, not realizing that the game was softball, and occasionally throwing behind batters (again seeing double). In fact, after the game, hockey scouts for the Flyers contacted Christin about signing with the team to play goalie, as they were in awe of some of her kick saves, and her ability to play through the pain those kick saves caused. More controversy brewed and further distracted Old Demps, as the umpire unleashed a tirade on KB about the illegality of wearing his hat sideways, and not either completely straight or completely backwards. This new rule was instituted specifically for KB, and all the random headgear he has been known to wear during games- doo-rags, skullcaps, yalmulkes, babushkas…
On one play, there was a routine pop-up to shortstop. After running around in circles for a while, David “The Physicist” missed the ball, falling down. While last week it was his glasses that did him in, this week, it was his contact lenses. Stay tuned next week, where he will attempt to play while blindfolded. While on the ground, David had a flash, as his (and the rest of the team’s) alternate reality personae began to bleed into their TRx softball reality, and strange things began to happen. David (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Deutsch) began to explain the intricacies of the multiverse as these personas began to merge. As these strange things continued, all of the sudden, like Sun, Monika experienced a bought of aphasia, and started only speaking Polish for the rest of the game.
TRx finally got out of the inning as “Brain” made a leaping snag of a line drive down the line. Up at bat, even Mr. Eko’s Jesus stick couldn’t help TRx, as they were held scoreless through the first three innings. In the first, Josh somehow reached base, but then on a base hit by GLG again showed blatant disregard for the third base coach and attempted to score, only to get caught in a rundown between home and third, as KB looked on in horror. As he did his Mad Elf impression rounding third, Josh channeled John Locke, screaming “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!” before finally being tagged out to end the inning. KB later made his own base running mistake, putting Josh in good company, as Brain’s fly ball to center was dropped by the fielder, but KB’s now misaligned hat caused him to miss this vital fact, and he ran back to first, leaving both him and Brain standing on the base playing patty cake (Brain won and got to stay on the base).
In the second inning, Dempsey settled down/sobered up a little bit, and was helped by some key defensive plays in the field. On one play, one of Golden Glove’s girls- a crafty lefty, smoked a line drive to right field. Krysta quickly fired the ball into first to nail the runner. Later, she also fired one of her shivs at one of the opposing teams runners, causing him to crumple to the ground and seemingly slide into second. Luckily, the ump didn’t notice the shiv, and this player later had to be removed from the game. Also during this inning, two mysterious men (but not the mysterious mustache man) emerged from the parking lot and began running towards the TRx bench. As they ran through the field, Regina took a cue from the Phillies, and whipped out her pepper spray and tazer, and took both Mike (http://www.northjersey.com/sports/pro_sports/baseball/national_league/050510_Police_ID_latest_fan_accused_of_running_on_Phillies_field.html) and Rob (http://philadelphia.phillies.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=7819355) down, as Christin screamed in slow motion “N-N-N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!!!!!!” as these two were not your everyday hooligans, but were in fact joining the team. Christin then took matters into her own hands to end the inning, showing cat-like reflexes to catch a pop up near the plate.
Luckily, Rob and Mike were not injured during their entanglement, as they were later needed to play the field. Dempsey, sick and tired of being sick and tired and realizing that half measures avail us nothing, pulled himself from the game to concentrate on his alt-reality managerial duties with the Laois gaelic football team (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sean_Dempsey), and KB took the mound to pitch. Meanwhile, Rob took over at first, and Mike took over at short, as David was still spewing his theories from his book, The Fabric of Reality (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Fabric_of_Reality).
Later, trailing by 11 runs, TRx was at the mercy of the dreaded mercy rule. With such a massive deficit, and zero runs on the board, TRx was playing for pride at this point. After Krysta reached base, Josh moved her to third with a base hit. However, on the run to third, Krysta accidentally stabbed herself in the leg with one of her shivs, and required a pinch runner. Sprightly Christin took over as the runner at third. After Greg made contact with the ball, another rip perpetuated through the space-time continuum, and all of the sudden, some members of TRx started jamming, as they were transformed into Night Ranger. Josh, channeling his inner Oso, drove the band with classic party beats. KB was ripping the vocals (as well as ripping his shirt off) to “Sister Christin,” as she of that very name was MOTORING down the line to score TRx’s first run. GLG tried to look cool by bobbing his head while wearing sunglasses (almost forgetting to run to first), and Pinky (Krysta) and the Brain (Brian) also rocked out.
It seems Josh is destined to make beautiful music in any reality, while Greg can only bob his bulbous head, but hopefully not too hard or fast, or he could suffer the very condition Sir Busta Rhymes warns about (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GrghtXWfVYM). KB then hit a sac fly to left, which Josh scored on to allow TRx to live to see another inning. But in the end, not even a return of the smoke monster (Dempsey playing the field while smoking a cigarette) or the presence of Aaron (brother of Moses) could part the Golden Gloves and get TRx out of this situation, as TRx lost, 14-3, ending their promising undefeated start to the season and causing GLG to cry “Waaaa!” But somewhere out there beneath the pale moon light, someone’s thinking of TRx, and loving them tonight. And in some alternate reality, TRx did have fans show up, who carried them off the field after a momentous victory, as Greg cried tears of joy, instead of tears of sadness. Next game is next Tuesday (5/11) at 6:30 versus Kreischer Miller.
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